This week, as everyone is talking about President Trump’s horror budget and how much it’s going to hurt people in need (i.e. healthcare, Meals on Wheels, anyone who’s not extremely wealthy), Taylor Swift has her eyes set on something a little more personal: making herself a shitload of money. If you’re thinking but wait, doesn’t Taylor already have a shitload of money? You’re right! But now she’s determined to make more, which is why she’s in talks to start her own music streaming service as a rival to Spotify and Apple Music. The service will be a more annoying, Taylor Swift-focused version of the music streaming services you already love. It’ll basically be like Tidal, except without Lemonade or the Prince discography or any of the things that made you forget to end your Tidal free trial in the first place.
So like, why now, and why her? (Seriously…why her?) Well, Taylor has never been a big fan of music streaming. Back in 2015, she wrote an open letter to Apple Music protesting the idea that artists wouldn’t get paid for streams during free trial periods, because Taylor Swift would literally starve to death if Apple didn’t pay her .30 cents everytime someone wants to listen to “Blank Space.” That’s why she’s so skinny. And of course we all remember when T-Swiz pulled her entire catalog from Spotify, again over concerns that she wasn’t getting paid enough for the streams, and forcing all of us to have to switch over to YouTube if we ever want to listen to “Welcome to New York,” which, TBH, we do not.
So despite the fact that it’s 2017 and everyone and their stepmom relies solely on streaming services to house their music collection, Taylor isn’t satisfied. Now, she’s filed documents trying to trademark a website “featuring non-downloadable multi-media content in the nature of audio recordings.” Which is literally Spotify. She apparently wants to call the site “Swifties,” which literally just made me throw up in my mouth. Again, this whole thing will basically be Taylor’s version of Jay Z starting Tidal, except all her friends are models and not giant music stars like Rihanna, Beyoncé and Kanye West. So like…what is she going to release? Exclusive BTS of Karli Kloss walking? No thanks.
It’s unclear if Swifties will actually be a Spotify competitor, or if it’ll only have Taylor’s music, but either way she definitely won’t be getting our money. It’s probably a safe bet that One Direction, John Mayer, and Calvin Harris’ catalogs won’t be available, because those bridges were burned a long time ago. So basically, it’ll just be Taylor’s music along with probably like Meghan Trainor or some dumb shit like that.
As if the music streaming thing wasn’t bad enough, the documents also say she wants to launch a product line including “guitars, guitar picks, guitar straps, and drumsticks.” Woohoo. Now you can impress all your friends at camp with your matching T-Swift guitar and pick!! Honestly we can’t imagine anything less appealing. So next time you’re thinking about dating a drummer, at least make sure he doesn’t use drumsticks with Taylor Swift’s face on them. That’s a fucking deal breaker.