Well, that didn’t take long. Serial dater and potential witch Taylor Swift has broken up with perfect man Tom Hiddleston after only three months, with sources saying she was uncomfortable with how public he wanted their romance to be. You mean to tell us it was Tom’s idea to be disgustingly PDA at all times, and Taylor was the one uncomfortable with it? Sure, Jan. Their breakup is approximately 0% surprising, however, considering that Taylor is a certified Snake in the Grass™, and three months for her is at least half an album’s worth of material.
The legend of Hiddleswift began all the way back in June, when the two were spotted together just two weeks after Taylor Swift dumped recent car crash victim Calvin Harris. Dare we say, looking back, it almost sounds like a rebound? Ugh, she sucks. The pair were basically seen doing everything together (including strolling around Rome), leading people to speculate that it was just an elaborate stunt for a music video. Tom, who is clearly the nicegirl in the relationship, said this was not true, and that they were very happy together. Oh Tom, do you not read our website? History clearly shows that this cannot last!
Things seemed fine, even uneventful, until a few weeks ago when Taylor reportedly unfollowed Tom on Instagram. It was sort of unclear whether this was real or just a glitch with the website, but either way you knew there was trouble ahead. When Taylor sinks her venomous fangs into an A-list man, it’s only a matter of time.
Now it’s over for real, even though sources say they’ll still remain friends. This might be true, or at least it will be until Taylor makes up some song about how he did her wrong or tries to take credit for Tom’s biggest movie role somehow. Tbh, Tom seems like a perfect gentleman, so we’re hoping he writes a song about Taylor, because that would be fucking entertainment. Either way, he should look for a nice woman who’s ready for marriage within the next two years, because Taylor still has half of Hollywood to go through before she’s ready to settle down. Tom, if you’re reading this, look no further.
As for Taylor, it’s anyone’s guess what will happen next. She’ll probably go on Ellen next week and proclaim that she’s “not a boyfriend girl,” to which we will respond by projectile vomiting at the TV. Then she’ll lay low for a little bit, maybe post some angsty ~Autumn~ Instagrams, get a new cat, and probably drop a new single around Thanksgiving. The song will undoubtedly be about a man, but the real interesting question is whether it’ll be Calvin or Tom…or both. Stay tuned, Taylor has never let us down yet.