On April Fool’s Day, as something that can only be described as a joke, Apple Music posted an ad for their streaming service starring none other than nicegirl role model Taylor Swift. It’s really not even worth the Google search. The commercial starts with Taylor’s inner monologue complaining that she hates cardio. Really original Taylor, everyone hates cardio. As aware as I am that she didn’t write this commercial, it feels too much like she did. She chooses Drake and Future’s “Jumpman” on a playlist called “#GYMFLOW”—aggressive—and starts singing along in perfect timing with the now-completely-ruined-for-me song. I don’t know why I got so irrationally angry once she started singing, but honestly, the reasons aren’t important. She proved nothing other than the fact that all she has to do is try to rap to an otherwise good song to completely ruin everything. I was nothing but offended. Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Taylor Swift.
Not to mention, but I will anyway because it was terrible, her haircut is reminiscent of Coconut Head from Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide. Like, why? Vogue once wondered if she was trying to be edgier. If she is, she’s trying and failing. Her outfit was pretty cute but I was distracted by her flailing arms more than anything else. Look, it’s not adorable at every award show and it’s not adorable in this video. We get it, you can’t dance and you’re super #quirky and you’re a white girl who listens to mainstream rap—OMG tell me more about how original you are, Taylor. The best part has to be when she face plants and rolls right off the treadmill she’s running on but even that seems like she’s trying too hard to be liked.