27. Tanning

For three seasons of the year, betches march to the beat of their own drums. Our days are shaped by the classes we may or may not attend, yoga, and other various hobbies that we do whenever our hangovers allow us to keel out of bed and go to drunk brunch with our besties. But when summer arrives and the temperature goes above 75 degrees, our daily routines are shaped by only one thing. Tanning.

While in high school we were busy skipping class and getting iced coffee for lunch, there were some valuable lessons we made sure to pick up in Earth Science.

Lesson 1: Solar Fucking Noon.

Any betch can tell you that prime tanning hours are between 10am and 2pm. On a prime tanning day, waking up after 11:30 is a crime. Unless you want to be the palest betch at formal you better get your ass up and to the pool chairs that have the most sun exposure.

“Save me a seat, I’m comingggg” yawns your bestie who’s still sleeping as you sneak out to get a few precious minutes on her. Good luck betch, I’m hoping in the time it takes you to find your own beach chair you’ll end the day with Vampire Bill’s complexion.

Once all of your besties are laying poolside, #1 talking shit, and reading Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler books, the fun begins. There’s nothing betchier than the race to see who can appear darkest at the end of the day. Every betch has her own tanning style. Some girls go for the bandeau while others welcome their tan lines as a message that “yes, I’m white, I’m just like, really, really tan.”


Unfortunately we all know that tanning sometimes gets a bad rap. “You’re like totally gonna get skin cancer and look like a leather pocketbook by the time you’re forty!” whines the JPB (Jealous Pasty Betch, aka the betch who gets sunburnt in less time than it takes to get through an US Weekly article). She’ll go on and on about how unhealthy it is to tan, simultaneously applying SPF 70 and smoking a cigarette. Shut up and lay off the fucking sunscreen, Whitey. I mean, everyone knows even red is better than white.

Every betch knows it’s important to focus on all areas of your body while tanning, as your tan should be flawless and glowing. For this reason, it’s important to keep to a weekly schedule that helps you focus on various areas over the course of the week. Having anxiety about an even tan? Introducing Tan Your Back Sundays.

All week betches work hard to wake up early, scrambling to get iced coffee and music to prepare for the days of tanning our fronts, all before 10am. This can get really stressful. Enter Tan Your Back Sunday. TYBS is a day to unwind from a long week of lounging and raiding the snacks and alcohol in your besties’ pool house. You’re probably hungover so feel free to sleep on your stomach, ignore your BBMs, and hopefully wake up dark enough that your race is ambiguous.

Besides being the fattest betch in the room, being the palest betch will often garner a lot of shit-talking about you, and wayyyyy fewer “you look so tan!!!!!!” compliments (NOOOO!!!). So beware betches, the early bird catches the most powerful toxic UV rays. You may not know the date of the only lunar eclipse in the last 200 years, but you better be cautious of the sun’s angle at 1:35 and which direction to rotate your chair. Be ignorant, and mourn the loss of a tan left pinky toe forever.

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