Spring break is finally upon us, and clearly, that means swimwear. Due to the horrible climate as of late, the Betches have spent the past few weeks online looking for anything to remind us that it does get above fucking freezing from time to time. In other words, we have been checking out swimwear for like weeks. And holy shit you guys. Swimwear this season is bananas.
No Longer Betchy: Tribal and fringe
I guess the “significant” native american contingent in this country has finally rattled enough cages that every pattern with “navajo” in the name has vanished from swim sections everywhere. Truthfully, we say good fucking riddance. We were starting to get a little sick of wearing bikinis that remind us of the wall hanging at that mexican place we only go to when we're drunk. Trina Turk is still pushing the fringe thing pretty hard, but that's not really something we recommend anymore either because after your bikini actually touches like, water, you end up looking like you've made a round through the paper shredder. No fucking thank you.
The tan lines are crazy town. Straps across your chest, straps across your back, straps across your stomach – just get some straps, OK, promise? A betch loves straps on her swimwear because it shows the commoners how perfectly geometrical she is (it's in her breeding) and also, communicates that she will not be getting in any kind of “rough waters” this SB (aka she is not vacationing on some beach town in fucking Delaware.) Please note, that means you actually can't pull this off if you are, in fact, SB'ing at Seaside Heights. Waves and currents will totally fuck up your shit by twisting and misplacing your straps. The end result – you don't look like a betch, you look like you were attacked by an angry person with painting tape or like, this:
How to do it right: Cutouts with straps above the ribcage aka on your neck or chest or shoulder blades are going to be the easiest straps to manage. They also look hot when peeking out of your loose, low-back cover up. Straps that go lower are more likely to shift and make you look asymmetrical aka messy. If you get one, don't go in the water or like, sit down. You def don't want a lower rib strap being mistaken for the shadow from a fat roll. Be careful. Cutouts on bottoms are adorbs, just be sure you're not bulging out of any holes. Please note, straps need to be paired with solid colors. No paisley, no florals, no festival patterns, just…no, stop, you're TTH.
Okay so I know we said no prints with straps but this bikini makes it work. Only exception.
Pictured from left to right: INTERACTIVE by Norma Kamali, strappy cross-neck swim top, $125, neimanmarcus.com; Mikoh Seychelle's monokini, $218, nastygal.com; Mikoh Velyzland bottoms, $108, nastygal.com; Peixoto Alda bottoms, $60, nastygal.com; L*Space Solid Bungee Back Top (in colors) $68, freepeople.com; One Teaspoon Taipan Eagles Shadow Top $78, Bottom $74, freepeople.com
When you dose and roll, the world doses and rolls with you. We adore psych prints on swimwear because with so little fabric its impossible to go overboard. It incorporates one of our fav fashion elements – neon – and pairs it with unlikely shit like paisley and zebra. Truthfully, we kind of miss animal prints – like, not enough to start wearing them again, but just enough to really love something that has just a little bit of it. Enter one of our fav bikinis for 2014 (Etro Zebra-Print Halter Bikini, $245, neimanmarcus.com).
This is so quiche you guys. I personally like to pair the top with a solid bottom (black or royal blue, certain kinds of red or yellow could also work but don't venture into that unless you're like, really confident). We know the little tie strings on the bottoms are kind of 4th grade, but it's whatever. The top is also going to look good with several cup sizes. Love.
Pictured from left to right: Pily Q Embroidered triangle bikini top, $68 and tie-side bottom, $76, neimanmarcus.com; Cecilia Prado Tropicalia triangle bikini top $79, and printed swim bottom $79, neimanmarcus.com; Camilla halter neck one-piece, $345, revolveclothing.com; Marie France Van Damme batik printed boustier one-piece, $309, neimanmarcus.com
The other thing we love about these psych prints is you can take another trend (geometric shapes, cutouts, crochet) and perk them up with psych elements like this bikini from Lenny Neimeyer, this cover up from Suboo, and this tote by Cecilia Prado.
Pictured from left to right: Lenny Neimeyer printed halter swim top $99, and american adjustable swim bottom $99, neimanmarcus.com; Suboo floral rise maxi coverup dress, $350, neimanmarcus.com; Cecilia Prado Crochet beach bag, $297, neimanmarcus.com
The maillot is in large order this season apparently because we are seeing them fucking everywhere. I mean, every year there are a few throwbacks that usually involve rouching (shudder) and come in like, a one-piece and a tankini. These are disgusting and should not be confused with the chic maillot that puts classic, feminine lines to good use. This isn't just a way for curvy betches to look amazing in a one-piece – super skinny betches should like these as well because they bring out a fierce silhouette on even the most shapeless among us. These always look best in black and white: white to show off your tan, black to make you look skinny. Either one makes you a total Marilyn. Plus, if you've been cheating on your SB diet or have like, low altitude bloat, you can still get almost naked with beach bros in a maillot.
Pictured from left to right: Lenny Niemeyer double tie belted maillot, $230, neimanmarcus.com; 6 Shore Road Punda Swimsuit, $138, nastygal.com; Mandalynn Betty swimsuit, $110, nastygal.com; OYE swimwear elvira deep v-neck one-piece, $350, neimanmarcus.com; OYE swimwear elvira sheer wrapped one-piece, $350, neimanmarcus.com; OYE swimwear katherine plunge v-neck one-piece, $350, neimanmarcus.com)
Shop anywhere and you will find one thing everywhere: flowers. Like, a metric shit ton of flowers. Although flowers used to be okay only on Lily Pulitzer dresses and our grandmother's curtains, we are so absurdly sick of snow, we are down. But we realize that it's a little too easy to go weird with florals. “Roses are for nice girls!” you cry, like a psycho. We know, chill. Any betch should be able to pick out the difference between a nice girl floral and a betchy floral, but for those who are ensemblely challenged, here's a good rule: If it looks like an actual flower that could like, spring out from the ground – stay away. Roses are for nice girls, daisies are for toddlers. Botanical craziness is for the betches.
Pictured from left to right: Cecilia Prado bikini top $80 and bottoms $80, revolveclothing.com; Tory Burch margherita bandaeu multi-print bikini top, $130, neimanmarcus.com; MARC by marc jacobs maddy deep v floral print maillot, $160, neimanmarcus.com; Jean Paul Gautier floral print one piece, $365, neimanmarcus.com; Tory Burch madura underwire swim top $150 and madura hipster bottom $110, neimanmarcus.com; Zimmerman Keeper Lace Up Bikini Rococo Floral, $250, freepeople.com)
Do not wear ruffles unless you want people to think you were home-schooled. That being said, we love crochet, mesh, leather, etc. These can be tricky to get right: shit can get real weird real fast. However, stick with our suggestions and you'll be golden.
Pictured from left to right: Lisa Maree Crochet Monokini, $148, freepeople.com; Lisa Maree flight of time crochet one piece, $158, freepeople.com; Shimmi Bijou Bikini, $185, freepeople.com; Mikoh Byron Bay bikini, $290, shopbop.com; Milly pahala crochet maxi dress, $350, neimanmarcus.com, Orchid Label Kaya brazilian, $94 theorchidboutique.com