This week, we’re taking the time to recognize a truly betchy gal, Susan. This betch basically invented betchiness. Susan’s a hero amongst betches, running the office with her betchy attitude and even betchier style. Everyone is jealous of Suze, but she can’t help it if she’s popular. Here’s why:
She Sees Trends Coming From a Mile Away
Mom jeans? Betch you guessed it. Susan’s been rocking high-waisted Levi’s since the 80s and it’s about time her genius finally caught on with the masses. Kylizzle’s trying to act like she started this shit but we all know Susan is the Mom Jean OG and has been stuntin’ in those babies before the littlest Kardashian was even born.
Oh, and also, news fucking flash Urban Outfitters/Miley Cyrus: Susan started the ironic cat sweatshirt trend too, so you can just go fuck yourselves. You can try to steal her swag but no one’s style is as purrrrfect as Susan’s. Thanks for the #Sweatergasms, Suze. You’re so haute.
She’s Giving Everyone Bag Envy
Basic bitches rock Louis Vuitton. Susan’s more original than that. She rolls up to work every day carrying her Shania Twain 1997 Tour commemorative tote bag. She never leaves the house without her entire collection of Mary Kay beauty products, Lean Cuisine, emergency tupperware—or as she calls it, “tuppaware”—and mini 2 lb weights for her daily power walk during lunch hour. Speaking of bags, she keeps two of them in the mini fridge under her desk. Bags of wine, that is, which she slaps every Fri-yay after she meets her weekly sales goals.
She’s About That Life
Susan kills the 9-5 game. She’s always on time, and is employee of the month every month. Her cubicle decorating skills are #goals. She’s got a bobblehead for every US state she’s visited AND some seriously mint condish rare beanie babies that she could sell for like, a million dollars on eBay, but doesn’t because money can’t buy that kind of happiness. Susan’s all bidness first and party second, just like her hairstyle. She only has to flat-iron the front part, so she spends less time getting ready in the morning and more time being a fucking boss.
But, let me tell you, when Susan brings the party, she brings the motherfucking party. In the form of Pinot Noir and a Downton Abbey DVD boxed set. Yas queen.