The best parts of the Super Bowl are the booze and commercials. Fucking duh. So while we can all get dressed in football-print onesies or go get hammered at a bar, we all know it’s not the game we’re there for. It’s the PUPPY COMMERCIALS.
The puppies literally ran away with this year’s Super Bowl commercials. We’ve all fantasized about a herd of wiener-dressed wiener dogs chasing after us in a field. Don’t deny it. Thank you to Heinz for making our dreams come true:
And then Doritos pulled the classic “let’s put a dog in human clothes and watch roid-raging bros laugh like little school girls.” Everyone high in the audience certainly appreciated it.
But then Subaru threw up a Hail Mary for their hopes at Puppy commercial glory, and featured a dog driving a car. Would I ever be caught driving a Subaru? No. But after seeing that commercial? Fuck yeah. Make sure the sleeping dog is included in my zero-down lease.
There’s nothing cuter than dogs doing people things. And trust the fucking weirdos over at Mountain Dew to ruin that for us. The puppy monkey baby? Not all of us took a tab of acid for the Super Bowl on a Sunday, assholes.
Stick to the script. Dogs. Beers. Dogs being humans. This is how you spell success in the Super Bowl.