We have arrived at what better fucking be the last I see of Summer House for a few months, because 10pm is just too fucking late for me. It’s been a while since I recapped a reunion so I’m just going to basically rapid-fire type what everyone says and hope I get it right. Here we go: Summer House reunion recap.
Someone asked if Amanda’s boobs are real and she said “they are very much so saggy and real.” Lindsay got a boob job, though. Not mad; I like that she’s open about it. Do you, boo boo.
Andy brings up the Lindsay and Everett thing and Lindsay says there is a chance they’d get back together and they’ve been hanging out a little bit. They’ve been sleeping together because “a girl has needs.” I dislike this a lot. We all have that one person who, for whatever reason, turns us into a psychopath, and Everett is that person for Lindsay. I always find that when I realize I’ve turned into a crazy person in my relationship, it’s time for me to end that relationship. I don’t want a reunion with Everett for Lindsay, or for me come Summer House season 3.
Amanda claims Everett calls Lindsay his girlfriend. Lindsay’s like “I don’t blame the guy, he’s madly in love with me.” Confidence goals.
It’s time for the Lauren and Carl segment of the show. Lauren basically says that she sees a different Carl than we all see, and editing doesn’t paint an accurate picture and blah blah blah.
I’ll note that Ashley is looking good in this recap. I feel like she finally read all the IG comments that they both look better with a darker blonde. I’d like to take this time to say, though, that I’m digging Lindsay’s frosty blonde. It’s good for summer, at least. Anyway, in all that gushing over hair colors, I missed whatever Ashley said about Carl, but I doubt it was that different than what she said about him all season. Is there even a reason for me to recap the Summer House reunion? Why am I here?
Wow, Sarah from New Zealand or whoever writes in like “Lauren, how could you not tell Carl isn’t into you? I can see it from across the world.” What a savage. To be fair, I’ve said just as much about Lauren in my recaps, but I’m not saying it to her face! Lauren says that Carl acted way different in public than he did in private and that her relationship with Carl was built off-camera. Like, fuck this Summer House reunion honestly. Everyone’s acting like mature adults and I am not here for it! Is it a better choice for all the individuals on this show? Yes. Did I come here for everyone to address their problems like well-adjusted humans? Fuck no!
Andy asks Carl if he thinks he led Lauren on and he says, “Absolutely. I didn’t treat her as well as she deserves.” Carl is really embarking hard on his apology tour, and props to his publicist. He was coached to perfection.
Ashley: I don’t not like Carl
Everyone, or perhaps just me:
IDK Ash, that’s not what you said like, all last season and this one.
For the record, Lauren and Carl are “friends” now, which I take to mean they barely speak. Carl says he was going through a lot at once—he lost his job, his grandfather, and there was some bit about maybe moving out of New York? IDK. He didn’t handle things maturely then, but apparently he is now. Ashley says to Carl, “Can you just admit that you and Lauren were dating and were exclusive?” At this point, the recap gets difficult because everyone starts yelling at the same time and I have no clue what’s going on. I’m beginning to understand the concept of the Wirkus machine gun. The imagery is spot-on.
Andy asks Carl what happened with Scheana! Yes!! I’m glad I tuned in for this, and only this. Basically, Carl says that he doesn’t think “hooking up” means sex. He means it in the way high schoolers say it, which is more meaningful, I think. The story is essentially this: Carl and Scheana met at a bar with Jax and some other Bravo people, they made out at the bar, and then she slept over at his apartment.
Kyle: She was hook, line, and sinker, I will say that.
I wonder if we’re going to see a Madison-Marie Radke in our future? I kind of hope so. I would watch the hell out of a Scheana-Carl spin-off. If y’all thought Lauren was delusional, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
Now it’s time to revisit the Stephen/Carl drama, so buckle up.
Andy: Why was it ok to out Carl about something from his sexual past?
Stephen’s defense is that Carl kind of told him as a one-off and he didn’t take it seriously. I still don’t think it was his place to tell, the same way it’s not any of my friends’ place to tell any piece of my sexual past to anyone I’m seeing (barring like, anybody who’s trying to hide their STI status from their partner).
The full story of the hookup is thus: Carl was 22 years old, he was acting in a stage show called The One-Night Stands. He was at the cast party, hooking up with a female cast member and the director of the show jumped in and he got head from him. He doesn’t say the name of the director to “protect his privacy” but what Carl doesn’t seem to realize is that I could probably easily google “The One-Night Stands play” and find out his identity within 30 seconds. I won’t do that, though, because I truly do not care enough about what other people do with their genitals.
Stephen does sort of apologize for bringing it up, which is good. That’s all I have to say about Carl getting head from a guy, for now and forever. Let us please put this to bed. Amen.
Andy asks Stephen if he has feelings for Carl, and Stephen says no. But really what he says is something along the lines of, “After seeing how he treats Lauren, the feelings would go away pretty fucking quick even if they were there,” which isn’t necessarily a denial that they never existed. Sorry Stephen, but they don’t call me Sgt. Olivia Betchson for nothing.
Stephen and Carl say they’re cordial, which probably means they really fucking hate each other.
Oof now we revisit the moms’ visit and Stephen’s trip to Alabama. Ugh, Stephen’s crying. I didn’t want to go through this again. (I’m what’s important here, obviously.)
Stephen’s relationship with his parents hasn’t really changed, and they haven’t watched the current season.
Stephen: My parents don’t hate gay peope, they are lovely people and they love me so much.
Look, I’m not saying that Stephen’s parents are like, members of the Westboro Baptist Church or anything, but it’s pretty clear to me that they are, at best, uncomfortable with gay people. It’s some pretty strong cognitive dissonance to claim they don’t hate gay people when we just watched them reject their own son and basically tell him they don’t want to hear about any part of his life that has to do with homosexuality. I am just saying. Stephen’s parents really don’t deserve him. He could be out here on national television trashing them, but he’s still defending them.
Now it’s time to focus on Kyle and Amanda. Let’s just get this shit show over with. I’m so glad we brought back the “I feel like a bug in this world—ignored, unappreciated” quote from Amanda. Never forget that emo shit. It still makes me laugh.
Amanda and Kyle are still together, but not living together. They both laugh at Andy’s suggestion, which kind of says a lot about their realtionship. Andy asks if Kyle has a drinking problem, and everybody laughs. Very concerning.
Amanda, obviously having read my recaps, says she doesn’t want Kyle to change, but rather, that he changed while he was in the relationship and she wants to go back to the old Kyle, straight from the go Kyle, chop up the soul Kyle, set on his goals Kyle, where did you go Kyle?
Andy: Kyle, do you want to marry Amanda?
Amanda: *bursts into laughter*
Stephen and Lauren: *give each other knowing looks*
Kyle: *Gives the equivalent of me when I have to write an essay on a book that I haven’t even read yet*
I zoned out for five minutes and Kyle was still bullshitting about marrying Amanda. Amanda, I hope you are reading the writing on the wall, because it is saying in all caps KYLE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU.
Lauren starts a fight with Kyle because he doesn’t go out with them anymore. Amanda keeps trying to get a word in edgewise and can’t because Lauren keeps talking over her. I literally can’t even capture what’s going on because everyone is just yelling over each other. The only thing I hear is Amanda yelling “let me speak” at the same time Lauren says “speak up Amanda, you never speak up!” Amanda just starts crying. It’s clear these girls all hate her.
Lindsay accuses Amanda of playing the victim all the time. Amanda continues to cry. I continue to wonder why I am here. Kyle ends the conversation with this quote: “Our relationship is rock solid, I’ll let that be known.”
Amanda starts crying about how much she loves everyone and Ashley is like “K i’m just gonna interrupt here.” Yeesh, these girls are fucking ruthless. Even if they’re not bullies like Amanda apparently claimed, they are certainly intimidating as fuck. Amanda is like a mouse in the lion’s den. It’s painful to watch.
The reunion ends with everyone talking about their biggest regret. Stephen regrets the way his friendship with Carl went down. Carl regrets things with Stephen and Lauren. Kyle regrets “shifting blame and letting friendships dwindle.” Yawn.
As far as to whether they could all share a summer house again, the consensus is basically like “depends on how much y’all are gonna pay us for season 3.”
And that’s a wrap for the Summer House reunion for season 2. I need to say that this entire time I literally thought Amit was not at the reunion, until I looked back at my screen shots and realized he was, in fact, there. Then I had to go in and remove a bunch of jokes about him being absent. OOPS. Amit, speak up!!
Thus begins my campaigning to attend a summer house party during season 3 filming. I am starting a hashtag, and it is #SummerOfBetchson until I think of a better one. Thank you all for your support.
Images: Giphy (4); Bravo