‘Summer House’ Recap: We Should All Just Totally Stab Carl!

The theme of last week’s Summer House was moms, and this week’s theme is exes—at least, it is if the title of this episode is to be believed. Not a whole lot to comment on in the beginning, so let’s just get into the recap for this week.

The moms are still here when the episode opens, so I guess I’m not done crying about how nice Carl is to his mom. They play Mama Drama (™, Stephen McGee), which is basically the newly weds game.

Highlights because I’m not recapping all this shit in sentence form:
-Amanda’s mom knows she’s been cheated on (by Kyle? That part is not immediately clear).
-Carl’s mom knows he’s a hoe.
-A big deal is made about Kylie thinking he’ll get married at 37 and Amanda at 28, aka 2 years from now for both of them. Get your eye rolls out now, because this becomes a recurring theme throughout the episode. Tbh the other underlying theme of the episode is me not giving a shit about anything, so settle in because this is going to be a salty recap from yours truly. 

Except it’s me though

Lauren: It’s taken a long time for me to get here, but I can finally say that I’m over Carl.
Kyle’s mom calls him pussy-whipped, just when I thought I couldn’t love this woman more. GET MRS. COOKE HER OWN SHOW.
Amanda: This weekend has been amazing. It’s kind of like dating a real adult.

“Kind of like”.

Amanda: There’s nothing about Kyle that screams red flag.

Are we talking about the same Kyle? The man is kind of a walking red flag. The fact that Amanda keeps saying “Once Kyle turns 35 tomorrow he’ll magically transform into a different person” is a scarlet flag. Is Amanda color blind? 

Danielle comes back to the house and is like “I was ready to leave and not come back.”

All of us: We wish you would…

Side Eye

I love that Danielle’s first question upon coming back to the house is “Where’s Carl?” Lauren starts retelling the FaceTime story and telling her she’s done with Carl and Danielle is like “Finally! This is what I’ve been waiting for!” Subtext: so I can finally go after Carl with no competition.
Carl comes into the kitchen to annouce that he’s pulling an Angelina and leaving early. Not a single person cares.

Lindsay is “in therapy” on the show, which is good for her, but I do hope she also goes to real non-televised therapy. This whole “therapy session” is essentially a vehicle for Lindsay to reveal that Everett will be at Kyle’s birthday party. YAWN!!!

Lindsay: Everett and I have a very passionate and fiery relationship.

That’s what every fucking person in a toxic and terrible relationship says. Ugh for the love of god, please don’t make us, the audience, relive this dumpster fire. Do it for your loved ones, the 25 people who watch this and judge you on a weekly basis!

I’m sorry but like, I am just so tired of Lindsay trying to make it out like she and Everett used to be married and disentangling herself from him is soooo difficult. Going off the production schedule, you guys dated for less than a year. AND you fought the entire time. What am I missing? Just build a bridge and get over it. Do I completely lack empathy? Am I a sociopath?? Fuck you guys, this recap isn’t about me.

Danielle’s texting some guy she made out with who’s a DJ to go to Kyle’s party. I would be the happiest person alive if that DJ was DJ James Kennedy. Crossover episode, let’s go!

Meanwhile, Carl pulls a “can I steal you for a sec?” to Lauren. Carl is like “I’m trying to figure out what I did to Stephen because he told the story about me getting head from a guy and it wasn’t his to tell.” TRUE. And Lauren is like “You shouldn’t have lied to me.” You’ve got to be a special kind of self-centered to view someone revealing another person’s sensitive information and make it about how YOU feel betrayed.

Carl talks about the FaceTime and says he was talking to some friend of his whose parents have gotten a divorce or something. IDK, he tries to claim it wasn’t sexual, basically. Lauren doesn’t believe him. She starts yelling at him like, “YOU SHOWED HER YOUR ABS, CARL. Your ABS!!” like that’s the highest form of cheating. Carl tries to be like, “Lauren I genuinely thought you and I could be friends who fuck this summer.” It doesn’t work. Let’s hope Lauren really is done this time, unlike the 67 other times she’s been “done”.

Lindsay is the only one who is still talking to Carl, which seems like social suicide. Carl tries to meddle in Lindsay’s business by telling her to tell Kyle to un-invite Everett. I know that was a very annoying sentence, so you can imagine how much it sucked for me to type it out.

I also don’t really care about Lauren and Ashley’s waterworks session. #CANTRELATE My twin and I only love each other in small doses. One time I visited her for 6 days and we both independently planned out how we were going to murder the other.

Stephen, Danielle and Lauren all come back to the house at 8am. Where were you guys?? I NEED ANSWERS. 

Ohhhhmygod Lindsay is STILL talking about what Everett would have to do for her to get back together with him, as if that is at all on the table in any universe other than the one that exists in her head. Thank god this show is only 10 episodes because I can’t take it anymore. Is Everett the Patrick of Summer House? Because Lindsay won’t shut the fuck up about him and I don’t understand what is so great about him.

Me watching this:

Anyway, while the gang is at a white party, Stephen is on a date with some guy named Travis. It’s not clear how they met. It seems sufficiently awkward in the beginning, but then it picks up and Stephen invites him to Kyle’s party. Cool.

Kevin shows up to the group dinner with Danielle and everybody looking exactly like what I picture every guy named Kevin to look like.

Amanda keeps repeating this motif that 35 needs to be the year that Kyle grows up. I can see that ending well for her.

Danielle and Kevin make out in various locations around the house while I search for a fuck to give.

Kyle: Everyone is like ‘you’re in your mid-30s it’s time to act mature’ and I’m like ‘noooo the opposite.’

See Amanda? You gotta revisit your expectations.

Everett coming is brought up for the 100th time; I start searching for something out of which I can fasten a noose.

Amanda gives Kyle and birthday present and it’s… a briefcase? Riveting.

Amanda: Kyle I have really high hopes for you and I want you to walk into a room and look as professional as you can.

Me: *vomits into a nearby potted plant*

Stephen’s mom calls him right before the party to ask if he can come home soon. Wow, that was unexpected —my words and Stephen’s. If this is another Bravo-orchestrated family reconciliation, so help me God.

Stephen emerges to the party in the most extra fashion. He walks out onto the balcony hidden behind a sheet that Lauren dramatically reveals. *Takes mental notes for my next party*

Summer House
Stephen, living his best life.

Also what’s with the random Native Americans at this party? A) cultural appropriation B) Is that even historically accurate? Didn’t we like, already commit mass genocide via Smallpox by 1776? I gotta re-read my history books I guess.

Lindsay is getting wasted in preparation for Everett’s arrival. Everett walks in, addressing everybody by their formal name: “Mr. Radke. Mr Cooke.” And the episode cuts off there, because it’s not like they just spent THE PAST FUCKING HOUR HYPING UP HIS APPEARANCE. *Reevaluates life, reevaluates choices, reevaluates why I fucking watch this show.”


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