Study Finds Your Mom Fucked Way More Dudes Than You, Probably

Man, your mom – what a skank, amirite? Or, at least she’s statistically more likely to have slobbed more knobs than you, according to a report published in Archives of Sexual Behavior. The report found that while attitudes towards premarital sex have become more relaxed over time, millennials are actually banging fewer people as adults than their baby boomer parents did, and even fewer than their fucking grandparents. Gross.

The study of 33,000 people found that people born in the 50s and 60s – baby boomers and GenX’ers – average about 11 sexual partners as adults, followed by people born in the 40s and 70s, who averaged 10. But millennials, the generation that spawned countless bullshit teen sex rumors like rainbow parties? We average just 8. Eight fucking people. That is lame, and sad.

What makes that even weirder is that people are more permissive of premarital sex than ever before – 58% in 2012, versus 44% in 2004, 41% in 1982, 38% in 1978, etc. If the age of free love is actually now and not the 70s, why are young adults doing so little fucking? I’d say it’s because we’re too busy instagramming pictures of our food and shit, if they asked me. Which they didn’t. But they should have.

Jean Twenge, the researcher who wrote this sad, sad report, doesn’t think societal norms and perceptions have much to do with why our generation does such a pathetic amount of fucking. She thinks it’s more because millennials are more safety conscious about things like STDs which, hello, has anyone bothered to tell her that the pill prevents STDs and AIDS? Or, failing that, a candy bar wrapper or something. Be resourceful, people.

Honestly, I think the attitude towards premarital sex has everything to do with why we’re fucking less than pandas, a species that can’t even fuck enough to sustain itself. As Twenge mentions, we’ve grown up in a world where premarital sex was never a taboo. Indeed, it feels weird even delineating sex as “marital/premarital.” Things that are no longer taboo are by definition less fun, so sex isn’t the mysterious spectre it may have been to our parents. Combine that with the fact that being open about sex means we don’t have to fulfill our premarital urges with tawdry one-night stands, and it makes even more sense. Imagine that, stop making people feel ashamed of their bodies, and all of a sudden they start behaving more responsibly. Why sneak and sleep around when you can find a boyfriend and openly fuck him as much as you’d wish?

But then, like, find another boyfriend, and fuck him too. Seriously. Eight people? Come on.


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