A Strongly Worded Letter To Your “Perfect” Boyfriend

Dear Instagram Queen,

I want to start this letter with some commendation. Your Instagram is flawless, and TBH I’m pretty jealous. Most of my Intagram photos look like I went a little crazy with the filters to try to make me look less drunk and skinnier and tanner. Which is true; that’s exactly what I did.

You, on the other hand, have perfectly lighted shots. Splendidly candid photos showcase your gorgeous natural laugh, prime outfit choices, and equally as perfect friends and boyfriend.

That last part is the part we need to address. Re: your perfect boyfriend, I don’t believe you.

I would say I’ve dated, like, 15 dudes in my life. Is that a high number? A low number? I have no idea, but I’m pretty sure it’s a decent sample size. These guys have ranged from number one douche lord to super nice person with everything going for him who just wasn’t right for me. Unfortunately. Anyway, I’ve basically dated every type of guy on the spectrum of niceness and human decency and none of these guys are anywhere near as perfect as you like to portray your boyfriend to be.

It might not be your Insta pics per se, but your captions, tweets and Facebook posts really have me questioning whether your boyfriend is a real human male or someone you created using the power of social media and a human cadaver.

For example, my current boyfriend got me flowers for my birthday and took me to a really nice dinner and… that was it. Did I want a present from him? Most definitely. Did I get one? No, because I told him I just wanted flowers and to spend time with him for my birthday, so his male mind checked those things off the list and called it good. I don’t blame him. I should know by now that I’ll get anything I want, I just have to ask specifically for it. I’ve come to recognize this is how most dudes work.

You, though, posted and tweeted and bragged all over the planet about your boyfriend’s birthday extravaganza of love. You got flowers and designer goods and jewelry and WTF is that a hot air balloon ride?!

Anyway, all I’m saying is, you talk up your boyfriend so much and so regularly I just don’t know if I can believe he’s real.  Sure, nice, great guys exist all over the place, but it’s kind of impossible for someone to never commit a folly in a relationship. Right?

Sure, we all make our lives look pretty damn spectacular on the internet. That’s what social media is for. All I’m asking for is a little more realness. Maybe just limit your use of the word “perfect” when describing your SO. I’m sure he’s actually great and totally not dismissive of your career or life choices. Just don’t pretend like he’s never been late picking you up or that he never got too drunk and threw up in the back of your car or that he never told you your dad gives you too many handouts.

I’m sure Mr. Perfect talks about sports and beer too much too. That doesn’t make him a bad person, it just makes him an average dude/boyfriend. Present him as such…. Er, at least closer to the person he actually is, instead of the person you think other people would be jealous of.

Keep it 100 (Or Close to It),

The Betches


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