A Strongly Worded Letter To Mariah Carey

Dear Mariah,

We know you. We love you. You’re an icon, a diva, and an incredible talent. But for the love of God, please give us a break.

Last week, Mariah posted a bunch of pictures of herself at the gym in a leotard, fishnets, and stilettos. Like, it’s bad enough to Instagram a gym selfie at all, but in fishnets and heels? I’m not sure if it’s possible to try harder than that. In one of the photos, Mariah is on a Jacob’s Ladder (the most evil machine at the gym), and we’re very concerned. Doing that shit in heels is probably the quickest way to break an ankle, but I guess she has people to carry her around so it doesn’t matter?


Climb every mountain @gunnarfitness

A photo posted by Mariah Carey (@mariahcarey) on

We’d also be idiots to not even acknowledge the timing of these thirsty pictures. If you’ll look closely, you’ll notice that just the day before these photos appeared, Beyoncé graced the world with the news that she’s pregnant with twins. Obviously it would have been impossible for Mariah to become pregnant with triplets with one day’s notice, so this series of half-assed Boomerangs of her pretending to work out are her way of trying to show up Queen Bey. You tried it, Mariah. You really tried.

Girl Bye

Of course, they could have just been promo for her new song (which we’ll get to in a second), but we’d rather go with this Beyoncé conspiracy theory. Illuminati!

Anyway, the gym incident is troubling, but her new music video is pretty cringeworthy too. The song is called “I Don’t,” and honestly, we wish she hadn’t.

Mariah is some sort of runaway bride at the beginning, but then the wedding dress mysteriously disappears (she supposedly burns it at the end? IDK, didn’t get that far) and she’s just in a white corset writhing around in the back of a car. This goes on for like, four minutes. The main guy in the video is rapper YG, who’s a full two decades younger than her and is basically just a more tatted version of Nick Cannon with an even shittier mustache. Upgrade?

Mariah Carey Don't

The song itself is definitely no number one hit, and Mariah doesn’t even look that excited to be there. Speaking of Mariah not being excited, we’re still not over her New Year’s fiasco. Like, even our elementary school music teacher told us that the show must go on, so what the fuck was that? We appreciate that Mariah is a diva, but we’d also appreciate if she, like, did her job?

When it comes down to it, we’ll always love Mariah. We just want her to come down to Earth for a hot second and like, sort of act like a real person. And real people don’t wear fucking fishnets to the gym, it’s just a fact.


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