A Strongly Worded Letter to Freshmen Who Don’t Know Their Place

Dear lanyard wearing, entitled bottom feeder,

We are only one month into school and we are already fed up with stupid shit happening that wouldn’t even be a possibility during the summer.

Not only is the chubby kid who I sit next to in class starting to catch on that he’s the reason I got a 95 on the last Calc quiz, but there’s also this issue with freshmen. Being an upperclassman in college, I don’t tolerate shit from anyone. Being a betch, I’ll put you in your place if you try to cross me.

We think you guys are adorable the first week of school when you still have that wide-eyed look going. You haven’t hooked up with the bro in Sig Nu yet who all of my sorority sisters once fought over. You haven’t gone to a 9 AM class drunk from Tequila Thursday yet. You haven’t ditched the lanyard with your ID, keys, credit card, Chipotle gift card, and other life necessities yet. 

We feel bad for you because you look like a fucking idiot, but at the same time we enjoy your innocence.

Then something happens at the beginning of October when suddenly you think you’re hot shit. You wore a flash tat to a day drink? Wow you’re so trendy and should totally start Instagramming your outfit of the day.

A bro asked you to a date function? You guys will probably get married and dress your kids in University of Michigan mini sweatshirts.

You didn’t get lost on your way back from the dining hall? You’re clearly the Christopher Columbus of the class of 2019.

If you haven’t picked up on my sarcasm yet then you probably should save your parents 60 grand and just quit at life. 

College is the shit and freshman year is the year you can finally wear a crop top without getting a sideways glare from your dad on your way out the door. 

While all of this excitement (and Burnetts) is flowing through your veins just remember your place on the totem pole. The assholes who told you it gets sooo much better after high school (“It doesn’t matter who you sit with at lunch anymore aw yay!”) probably joined the marching band and lived in a single for all four years.

The recurring theme of life is every time you start a new phase of your life, it’s just like high school again. Learn this early in college and you won’t be the weirdo who eats lunch alone and doesn’t have a date to corporate events when you get a job. 

Respect your elders and your life won’t fucking suck. Cross me – and anyone else older than you – and you might as well accept that your best memory of college will be sitting on the Green playing ultimate Frisbee. 

That’s not a college story you want to tell your future kids about – they’ll probably laugh at you like the rest of us did. 

Drink up,

A wise superior 



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