Dear Betches Everywhere,
It’s been a couple days since Halloween, and you’ve finally managed to scrub away all the glitter, fake blood, and regret. The hangover has hopefully subsided, but there’s one part of Halloween that just won’t go away: the candy.
That’s right, candy is fucking everywhere this week. This is dangerous, because everyone loves candy. Some girls say they don’t like it, or that it’s too sweet for them, but they’re psychopaths and compulsive liars who shouldn’t be trusted. These are the same girls who say they’d rather have a piece of fruit than dessert, and they’re all full of shit. We know Twix bars are delicious, but we’re here with a loving suggestion to put the fucking chocolate down, you fat ass.
Back when you were a kid, things were different. You had the metabolism of Usain Bolt, and you also weren’t worried about fitting into your bodycon dress at semi-formal in a few weeks. You don’t have these luxuries anymore. Every mini Snickers bar you shovel in your mouth will happily find its way to the flat stomach you spent all summer at Barry’s Bootcamp for, and soon your work will be completely in vain. You’ve had a few days to eat like a pig, but the grace period is over.
And don’t act like it’s the end of the world, because there’s plenty of unhealthy eating coming up. Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away, and even the strongest betch can’t resist at least one slice of pumpkin pie (take it easy on the whipped cream though). Then it’ll be the holiday season, when people will be shoving cookies in your face because you look emaciated. It’s gonna be a tough couple months, and replacing breakfast with a few Starburst right now will not set you up for success.
With that in mind, put the candy down and focus your empty calories on alcohol instead. You’ll have more fun, we promise.
Your Spring Break Body