A Strongly Worded Letter To People Obsessed With Fall

Dear pumpkin-smelling, leaf-tossing, pie-baking try hard,

Orange is really not your color. It’s really no one’s color, but especially not yours. You are that girl who posts an Instagram on the first day of October with the caption, “omg love when the leaves change color!! #fall #fun #flirty.”

Bitch, there’s like one leaf that’s slightly yellow on the far right in your photo. Pretty sure someone is still wearing flip-flops in the background.

It’s not that we’re not excited we can finally wear our hair straight without having to put 5 pounds of heat protectant in it. It’s not even like we are so soulless that we don’t enjoy the once a year trip to the apple orchard. We only do it for the cute pics and spiked apple cider, but whatever.

The hatred we feel toward you comes more from the fact that you don’t understand the word “moderation.” Everything you do as a TTH has to be overkill.

You’re probably the same girl who is playing Christmas carols at her pregames the day after Thanksgiving. Bitch, please relax. Santa can wait a few weeks.

During the fall season, your inability to chill out with the pumpkin-scented everything (WTF why are you using pumpkin shampoo) mixed with our irritation with the sudden cold weather is a lethal combination. There is nothing festive going on here.

We are all so sick of hearing about your exciting hayride weekend plans. You just went to the pumpkin patch last weekend. Please tell me you’re at least blacking out during these fall activities. We can’t think of how they would be bearable any other way.

Next time you think it is acceptable to strike up a conversation about just how GREAT these few months of crunchy leaves, bonfire nights, and cozy scary movie nights are – remember your life is not a Pottery Barn catalog. You are not Marnie Cromwell in Halloweentown – even though these movies are phenomenal after a lot of weed).  And you’re not Betty Crocker either with those shitty, dry ginger snaps. Pathmark sells better ginger snaps.

And most of all remember that you will get fat from drinking too many Pumpkin Spice lattes. If you remember nothing else, just remember calories still count. Wearing a vest over your flannel doesn’t cover your love handles. Your mom lied to you.


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