Dear “Please STFU,”
I’m not sure how you have friends. I’m not sure honestly how your parents didn’t put you up for adoption. I guess you were still cute when you couldn’t speak.
If you are one of the many girls on this planet who has a nasally, high-pitched voice, you really should explore sign language. No part of me wants to be this cruel, but the pain you are inflicting upon the people around you definitely warrants a few mean words.
We all hate hearing ourselves speak in videos, but I can’t even imagine how terrible of an experience this must be for you.
Then again, you probably must have never heard yourself, given the volume at which you are speaking. It really makes zero to me as to how you have never had a trusted friend, relative, pet, really any living thing in your life tell you to shut the fuck up.
Making it this far in your life without once being told that you have one of the most annoying voices known to man is hard to believe. Probably harder to believe than Miley Cyrus actually marrying Liam Hemsworth. This shit just doesn’t happen in real life.
At the end of the day we must be realistic about your issue and realize asking you to never speak again is just not polite. So instead, we will go through every measure possible to avoid conversation with you.
Getting up in the morning and tolerating our boss making small talk about his weekend is enough to give us wrinkles. The last thing I need is you talking about your romantic getaway with your boyfriend (How?! Does he wear earplugs around you?). Don’t take this as a rude gesture. Take it as human survival instinct for the benefit of both of us.
Give your vocal chords a rest and please stop making my life a living hell. Especially on a Friday morning with the massive hangover I somehow wake up with way too often. Have a heart and shut the fuck up.
The girl running out of Spotify playlists to block out your painful voice