Stop Trying To Make Mermaid Crowns Happen

Along with flash tats, Coachella and other wannabe music festivals brought us flower crowns. Tbh, I have a love/hate relationship with the flower crown. On the one hand, the Snapchat filter makes me look hot AF. On the other hand, girls who wear them for a casual night out or like, a trip to Whole Foods are fucking stupid. But that was last week. Now, we have mermaid crowns, and if you have one of these on for anything other than Halloween or a themed sorority mixer, you’re batshit crazy.

Kim Kardashian Mermaids

When I first heard about the mermaid crown, I was actually pretty excited. I mean, who doesn’t want to be a mermaid? They’re betchy AF. But then I saw one, and shit turned around real quick. First off, they’re fucking enormous. You’d have to strength condition your neck for a month in order to be a busted mermaid for the night. Second, how tacky can you be? They’ve got chains, seashells, iridescent rhinestones, pearls, fucking Shamu, you name it. It’s like the world’s most basic bitch went to Hobby Lobby and dumped the entire crafting department on a crown, then finished it off with some sea creatures. Then decided to open an Etsy shop. Obvi.

Look, I get it. You wish you were a mermaid. Join the goddamn club. But you’re not. You just happen to have the world’s most heinous contraption on your head. Maybe one day you’ll be a part of that world (if you don’t get that Little Mermaid reference, you’re not even a real mermaid fan so GTFO), but for now, go get yourself a chic floppy brunch hat and come to terms with the fact that you’re just a normal, boring-ass person.

Sad Little Mermaid


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