If you’re at the point in your life where sex is a split second decision made between last call and the bar closing, this article probably isn’t for you. Not because we don’t respect your lifestyle, because we absolutely do, but more so because there’s not a whole lot of prep that can occur on the blurry Uber ride home. You do you girl, and walk out with your head held high the next morning.
But on those nights where sex is completely premeditated and dare I say it, sober, it’s important to be ready for whatever could possibly be thrown at you. Take that as literally as you’d care to.
In order to ensure you’re all out there being your best bedroom selves, we’ve compiled a checklist to get you through the night. For more on all things sex, check out Comedy Central’s new series Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central or anytime on the CC app.
Much like the Girl Scouts, the Betches’ motto is “Be Prepared.” Unlike the Girl Scouts, this preparation usually involves wine, condoms, and some soft lighting, but altogether the premise is the same. Beyond the obvious things like shaving every inch of your body below the neck and making sure your best underwear is clean, sex requires subtle preparation that men would never think about because literally once boobs are on the table they lose all other mental capabilities.
Your safest bet is this: if he could potentially see it, it should be clean. At the very least, it should give off the deceptive appearance of being clean. You will cherish this lame sounding advice in the unforgiving light of morning.
More important than your clean home, silky smooth legs and perfect lingerie: condoms. Buckle up ladies, because the middle school sex-ed flashbacks are coming.
Yes, it should be the guy’s job to supply them and yes, you’ll probably get super uncomfortable at the store trying to figure out what size to buy without damaging any egos. But if I’ve learned one thing in my years of associating with men on any level it’s this: they will fuck up the simplest of tasks. Despite the fact that they had literally ONE JOB in this endeavor, there is a solid chance that they will show up to the party sans protection and then you both have to play that awkward game where you shrug at each other until someone decides to be an adult and head to the nearest 7-11. Save the time, save the awkwardness, and dear God save yourself the trip to the pharmacy the next morning.
Don’t Be Afraid To Try New Things
A very quick but necessary caveat to this rule is to stay away from magazine aisle sex tips at all costs. Honestly, it’s in everyone’s best interest. Any advice that starts with “give your man an Indian burn on his dick” is probably worth avoiding.
That being said, there’s nothing wrong with breaking out some new material every now and then, as long as both parties are down. This is especially true for those of you in relationships who probably threw out your razors and sexy sleepwear light-years ago. Am I judging the validity of your relationship if you’re looking to this site and a perpetually single girl for advice? Yeah, but take it anyways.
Want some more specific tips on how exactly to spice up your love life? I’m not going to list them for you, because my mom reads all of these articles. What I can tell you is that the Internet is a fascinating tool with a lot to say on the subject, and that mood lighting goes a long way in making things less awkward. Load up on candles, drink a bottle of wine, and see where the night takes you. Pro tip: there is a fine line between “romantic candlelit bedroom” and “possibly just hosted a séance,” Find it.
It is 2016, a full five years since Beyoncé’s pivotal Run the World was dropped, and yet almost 30% of women don’t orgasm during sex. We are in the midst of the great feminism revival, a woman is running for president, and still 30% of women don’t orgasm during sex. Who runs the world? Girls. Who doesn’t get to orgasm because men are generally lazy creatures? Also girls. It is unacceptable, and I’m here to tell you to put an end to it.
Not feeling what’s happening? Tell him. Starting to seem like he couldn’t find your clit with a detailed map and team of expert adventurers? Show him. Wish he would do something new? ASK HIM. The first step to ending this grievous unbalance in our sex lives is communicating the issue. If your partner can’t handle a little constructive guidance then they aren’t mature enough to be having sex anyways. It takes two to tango, and it’s time that we started recognizing that.
But Most Importantly…Have Fun
At the risk of sounding like a Disney Channel Original Movie (you know…if they had been about sex), the real point here is to enjoy yourself. If you’re not having fun, there is something wrong. Period. Sex should not seem like a chore. You shouldn’t feel about sex the way we all feel Sunday night with Monday looming on the horizon. You is kind, you is smart, and you is deserving of some mind-blowing sex. Now go out and get it. But most importantly, catch Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central or anytime on the CC app.
Sponsored by Comedy Central