Delude Yourself Into Thinking You’re Healthy: Spinach Salad With Bacon Dressing

Do you love salad? Does anyone, really? You may crave it after a bender filled with pizza, tacos, beer, vodka, and candy, but does it REALLY satisfy? No.

That is, of course, if it’s plain and fucking boring. How do you make a salad less boring? You add shit like bacon, eggs, and nuts.

If you’ve never had a legit spinach salad, this is your chance. This isn’t the cutesy bistro version with cranberries and goat cheese—this is the hardcore version with warm bacon dressing and barely wilted spinach soaking up the awesomeness. We’ve adapted this recipe from Alton Brown, weird-but-cool chef on Food Network.

Alton Brown Cutthroat Kitchen


  • 8 oz. baby spinach
  • 2 hard-boiled eggs
  • 8 slices of thick-cut bacon, chopped
  • 3 tbsps red wine vinegar
  • 1 tsp brown sugar
  • ½ tsp Dijon mustard
  • Salt and pepper
  • 4 large button mushrooms, chopped
  • 3 oz. red onion, thinly sliced
  • 2 tbsps walnuts, chopped

Gather all your baby spinach, wash that shit, drain, and pat dry. Put it all in a large bowl and set aside.

Dice your hard-boiled egg and set aside. (If you don’t know how to hard boil an egg, you’re helpless.)

Time to fry the fucking bacon. Grab a small skillet and cook over medium heat until bacon is crispy. Remove the pieces with a slotted spoon and set on a paper towel-lined plate. Save 3-4 tbsps of the rendered fat—THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Take that delicious, bubbling fat and transfer it to a small saucepan set over low heat and whisk in the red wine vinegar, sugar, and mustard. Season with salt and pepper.

Add the mushrooms and the red onion to the spinach and toss—then add that delicious motherfucking dressing and bacon and toss some more. Divide into bowls—probs about four—and evenly distribute the egg and chopped walnuts among them. Season with fresh cracked black pepper (say crack again). NOM.

This is a CLASSIC fucking salad for a reason. Enjoy that fat-laced dressing.


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