No, you didn’t wake up from a 90s-inspired dream where Hey Arnold! was back on the air and all your furniture was inflatable (or maybe you did, IDK). This is for real: The Spice Girls are holding auditions. Break out your college group Halloween costume, because your fave 90s girl group needs you.
The Spice Girls apparently announced a 20th anniversary tour (yeah, we know—you’re old AF) earlier this year. The only problem? Two of the spices said “Thanks, but no thanks.” Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice opted out, which makes a lot of sense because she’s like, an actual person with a career and a super hot family to take care of and all. The other spice who’s ruining our dreams? Is it Mel B, who may have been off filming America’s Got Talent during the time the tour would be taking place? No, that would make too much sense. It’s fucking Sporty Spice.
Yeah, I’m just as confused as any of you are. Sporty Spice, you are in no way too good for a Spice Girls reunion tour. Know how I’m able to say that with such conviction? The fact that we don’t even know what your real fucking name is. Like seriously, what else could you possibly have going on? A yearly performance review at whatever desk job you took post-Spice Girls (I’m just taking a guess here)? A colonoscopy? Please, do tell.
I guess the upside to this is that since nobody really gave a shit about Sporty Spice in the first place, she should be pretty fucking easy to replace. She’s already dead to me. But Posh, though? Victoria Beckham IS Posh Spice. I know it, you know it, anyone who grew up in the 90s knows it. They are one and the same. You can’t just find another skinny, pretty girl who wears all black and can’t sing and expect me to accept her as the new Posh. I simply won’t. I would honestly rather have a Posh-free tour than have to watch some cheap knockoff.
Life & Style reports that the Spice Girls will make an announcement about tryouts in a few weeks, so if you’re a generic-looking brunette who can sort of dance and lip sync really well, stay tuned. Seriously hoping some network picks this up and they make this into a The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Doll-type reality show, because now that Southern Charm is over I need something I can
recap watch. Look, we already have the show’s tagline: