We open this week’s Southern Charm with Shep walking some random girl out of his apartment because he “had to go crabbing.” I was gonna make a crabs joke but I feel like it’s low-hanging fruit. Oh, BTW and before you ask, no I am not recapping Southern Charm Savannah. I’m sorry, I lived in Georgia and even IDGAF about this shit. Not to mention I’m not sure my brain would retain normal functioning after two straight hours of Southern Charm. So I’m gonna bow out for my health. Anyway, let’s get into this week’s Southern Charm in the only city that matters, Charleston.
Shep has liver inflammation and he’s like “Is there anything I can do to combat this? Besides giving up alcohol?”
Like damn, I went out 4 nights a week in college and my liver is fine so how much does Shep really drink? Really puts
my alcoholism things into perspective.
Whitney rolls up to Patricia’s house to tell her that Thomas is worried he’s losing his mojo. GOOD. The last thing this father of two illegitimate children needs is more mojo. Cut his mojo off. Give him a mojo-sectomy.
Craig shows up to his appointment with Cameran late. He’s trying to get an investment property and other adulting shit I don’t understand.
Watching Craig look at these apartments be like watching an episode of House Hunters. “I play harmonicas on the side of the street for money. I want a mansion in downtown Charleston that’s 30,000 square feet with granite countertops and hardwood floors and my budget is $200.”
Craig literally says “So I want to put an offer down in two weeks and my tastes are going to change.” Soooo you have unrealistic expectations and no idea what you want, is what you’re saying.
After commercial Kathryn calls Shep and she’s like “I’m going to yoga I’ll meet you after” and Shep is like “yoga, can I come?”
Shep: *stops drinking for one day* I am an icon of health. I’m going to do yoga and align my chakras.
Meanwhile Austen goes to Chelsea’s house. How the fuck do these people all live alone in their own separate houses? Am I in the wrong city?
Austen: I don’t think anyone out there doesn’t like beer. They just haven’t had the right beer.
In this case, *not* enjoy things, but you guys know what I mean.
Cameran is really sticking to this weird voodoo thing and the doll is getting its own chair. I AM SCARRED.
Shep shows up like “What the hell is that?” RT, Shep. If I went to lunch and saw THAT thing staring at me I’d be like:
Shep has gone one meal without a drink. Hooray! This calls for celebration! Let’s get some Champa—oh wait.
Shep: I had an epiphany.
You didn’t have an epiphany, Shep. You got specific doctor’s instructions to not drink. You cannot act like you came up with this on your own.
Of course for Cameran all roads lead to Shep being single. “If Shep just met somebody he would drink less.” I feel like relationships can also cause alcoholism tho, at least if my grandparents’ marriage is any indication? Anyway, she’s still trying to make Shep and Chelsea happen. Shelsea? Chep? I’ll work on that.
Shep: Chelsea’s hooking up with Austen tho.
Cameran: Women like to be hunted.
Shep is like “Yea no, I’m good tho she’s with somebody.” How the fuck is Shep more of a feminist than the actual woman at this table rn?
So Shep is supposed to leave some creepy-ass doll on Chelsea’s porch? I’m calling the police.
FINALLY we are at Queen Patricia’s house for a dinner party. It has taken too fucking long.
Patricia is like “Planning a dinner party is easy. I just decide what I want all the help to cook and then they do all the work.” Well…yeah. Things are generally easy when you don’t actually put in any of the work.
Craig is sewing pillow cases and he’s low-key really good at embroidery. I am ashamed to admit that I’m turned on rn.
Naomie rolls through and Craig opens with “I potentially bought a house today.”
Naomie: I can’t take you seriously at your sewing machine.
I’m not sure if Naomie is right or if she’s like that girl who says she’s “blunt” or “brutally honest” when she just uses it as an excuse to be an asshole.
Damn, Craig and Naomie didn’t score the invite to Patricia’s. That’s gotta hurt. I know how you guys feel—Landon invited me to Patricia’s next soiree and yet you will not see me making a cameo on this season’s Southern Charm.
So Patricia’s entire purpose for this dinner is to just try to set Landon and Thomas up. That seems… unnecessary. Like, put them in the same room with a lot of alcohol or something—you don’t need this whole elaborate ruse.
Patricia rings this turtle bell and Michael comes in and she’s like “Are we ready to eat yet?”
Michael: Ready when you are, Madam.
Inner Michael, probably: Hope you fucking die bitch.
I mean, IDK, I’d be resentful if I was a 70-year-old butler who rang bells at me like I’m a damn animal, is all I’m saying.
Cameran: Setting Landon and Thomas up is a terrible idea.
Cameran 2 seconds later: So what about you, Thomas, are you dating anyone? What do you want in a woman? Someone like Landon, perhaps?
Or, a visual depiction in meme format:
Cameran: Don’t stir the pot.
Whitney says “I heard he’s dumb” in regards to Landon’s boyfriend. Spoken to the girl who wants to start a website without even knowing how to write content for a website.
Kathryn shows up to yoga and DAMN. Her ass is looking huge in comparison to her waist. Good job, girl. Please DM me your workout routine.
Shep shows up to this yoga class full of women—what are the odds he’s gonna hit on everyone in the class?
Shep can’t even follow “bring your hands together, palms together like you’re doing a prayer” move. There’s a simile in there for you, how can you not get this?
Shep is like to Kathryn “I haven’t been drinking for the last few days so I basically did what you did with this whole rehab thing.”
Shep: *Makes one smoothie* *calls his mom about it*
Austen is having dinner with his parents—my parents would never agree to appear on a reality TV show—and Austen says “no offense to my dad but my mom is the matriarch of the family.” That’s literally… what matriarch means…nvm.
Austen’s talking about his job and his mom’s like “OK cut the bullshit. Let’s talk” and this basically turns into the scene from Girls where Hannah’s parents cut her off.
Austen: If you’re asking me what I bring to the table I don’t have anything to tell you.
Austen: I don’t have a frickin’ business plan, MOTHER.
Real compelling argument. You sure showed her!
This is the biggest bullshit ever, his parents are basically telling him that they’ll support his being an “entrepreneur” if all he does is think of a fucking idea. God damn it, I was born into the wrong family.
Jennifer is having something called a “sip and see.” What’s that? Is that when you drink wine and paint shit? Is this like, a responsible thing to do—invite all your friends over to drink and then hold your baby? Seems like a gigantic walking liability, but what do I know? I’m only 25 and an internet recapper who doesn’t have any kids. *frantically knocks on wood*
Naomie left Craig in the dust to go to this party and honestly I do not blame her. If your girl is ready before you, you are doing something wrong. Is that sexist? Fuck it, it’s true.
Craig walks in and doesn’t even say hi to his own girlfriend. I can feel the awkwardness through the screen.
THIS IS SUCH A STRANGE CONCEPT TO ME. “Sip and see.” Is this like, the WASP-y equivalent of a baby naming, or like, a bris? Can someone help me out here?
Jennifer runs up to Craig like “Hey Craig, why is everyone talking to you upstairs?” And Craig is like “Uhhh IDK you tell me?” Come on, Jennifer, snitches get stitches.
THIS HOUSE IS FUCKING $183,000? Bruh, get me a plane ticket because I am moving to Charleston.
So it seems as though there’s nothing more to this Jennifer/Thomas alliance than the handkerchief exchange. This is fucking nuts.
Craig says he’s dating a teenage girl because Naomie vents about their relationship to her friend? Wut?
Craig: Go ahead child, speak.
Wowwwwwwww I’m done.
Naomie: Are you kidding me?
Craig: You left me. How could you?
Yeah, such a betrayal. Not sure how Craig will ever learn to trust Naomie again.
Naomie: Because you made me wait on you for 30 minutes.
Craig: No I wasn’t late. That’s fake news. You are fake news!
Craig’s like “Just remember, I never left you.” This reminds me of High School Musical when to all these kids, singing a duet with someone is the highest form of cheating. Only this is like… real.
Craig calls Naomie “a fucking moron” who “acts like a spoiled fucking child and airs [their] dirty laundry” …. says the guy who is literally airing their dirty laundry on camera. Okay, Craig. OK. I didn’t wanna have to do this, but I think I have to officially start the #CraigConoverIsOverParty. Trust me, Craig—this hurts me more than it hurts you.