Well everybody, we made it to the finale of Southern Charm. Is it just me or did this season go by pretty fast? I guess time flies when nothing fucking happens.
We open with Naomie leaving Key West and Craig back flipping into the water. *Me avoiding all my responsibilities*
Chelsea and Austen are going parasailing or some shit. So let me get this straight: Chelsea has no problem shooting Turkeys and digging in the mud for clams and shit but heights are where she draws the line? That’s interesting.
Elizabeth asks Kathryn what happened with her and Landon. Landon lied about saying anything bad about Kathryn like we haven’t all watched the past season. And like, the last episode when she said she doesn’t even think Kathryn is committed to getting her kids back.
Danni thinks it’s genuine because Landon “stood up for Kathryn” even though literally a few hours prior she said Kathryn doesn’t want her kids back. This woman truly confounds me.
Now Landon’s telling Cameran that Thomas pushes Kathryn to see how far she will go. Like IDK what it took Landon to have this sudden change of heart? Like, a few drinks?
Landon: I still don’t want to be around her tho.
But you said you wanted to have your own relationship with Kathryn like a minute ago? I’m extremely confused.
Glad to know this gang is not above renting a party bus.
Half the group is on motor scooters. Landon’s like “you can’t go to Key West without going on a moped!” Um, is that a thing? If so, since when? Please advise.
They get to this fancy-ass bar/mansion/house thing and Kathryn immediately confronts Thomas. Uh oh. She’s like “I understand the consequences of my actions but getting iced out by the person who’s raising my children sucks.” Thomas says he hates the system but I don’t believe that. Kathryn wants to just go to mediation without going to court. Thomas agrees! Whoa holy shit. That was unexpected.
Oh shit all of a sudden Danni starts yelling “Whitney, help me!” and faints to the damn floor. Fucking hell, Whitney. Can’t you do ANYTHING?
Ok Danni was just really dehydrated aka hungover. Glad it wasn’t serious. DRINK WATER, KIDS. Day drink responsibly.
They all go to dinner without her while she’s in the hospital by herself. Like, is it just me or is that kind of savage?
They all go to sit down and Thomas is like “Get Landon the fuck away from me.” OH SHIT. Landon is like “Can’t we all just bake each other a cake of rainbows and smiles and eat it and be happy?” Landon is also talking about how she is shaken up and tense… at least you weren’t the one who just collapsed.
Craig asks Whitney if he had to give up oral sex or cheese for the rest of his life, which he’d pick. Craig says cheese. Same tho. Yet another reason Craig and I should be together.
Wait it also doesn’t make sense for Craig to make a baby outfit that says “Arriving sometime soon” because by the time the baby wears it… he or she will have already arrived….
Shep is wasted right before they’re about to get on the plane…WTF else is new.
Cameran pulls Craig aside (couldn’t there have been a better time to do this) and Cam is like “Craig you have got to be aware of how you speak to Naomie in public.”
Cameran: From the outsider’s perspective, you are the perceived asshole of this situation.
I mean, speak for yourself Cameran. I’m team Craig. Speaking as a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter.
Thomas goes over to JD’s office because it wouldn’t be an episode of Southern Charm without a gratuitous Gentry Bourbon plug. Turns out Shep and Craig missed their connecting flight. LMAO, I knew Shep wouldn’t make it on the plane.
Thomas is basically like “it was super weird that Landon was defending Kathryn all of a sudden when on the drive down she said she wouldn’t even speak or look at her.”
Landon’s sister whose name I forgot is “Bam”, is over. Is she a person or a Flintstone’s character?
Landon used the word “lit” so “lit” is over. It’s cancelled.
Glad to see Bam’s eyebrows have not improved since last season. Someone please help this girl out. Kylie?
Thomas really speaks in Pride and Prejudice quotes? #StopWhitePeople2K17
Thomas: I don’t feel betrayed, I feel enlightened. OK I feel a little betrayed.
Thomas says he wants a woman who feels “privileged and honored” to be with him. The average white male entitlement is strong with this one.
Like really WTF is happening rn. Landon is crying because she can’t imagine what Kathryn is going through. Am I in the fucking Twilight Zone?
I mean I do agree with Landon’s stance on men being the worst and not letting no man control her life, so. Progress?
I love that they constantly have to show Kathryn ordering non-alcoholic beverages just to let us all know that she’s still on probation.
Kathryn asks Naomie what is going on. She’s like “what are you guys really fighting about?” How is Kathryn a more effective therapist than their own therapist?
Naomie literally says she covered for Craig not taking the bar “because I love the kid.” VOM. Again, #StopWhitePeople2K17. You should never under any circumstances refer to your significant other as a “kid”.
Cameran’s mom comes over, and she is just as cute as ever. Cam tells her mom she’s going off birth control and she doesn’t even really seem happy, just shocked.
Cam’s mom: I never really wanted children…
Me: WOW THANKS MOM.
Cam’s mom: But I had children and I was glad I did.
Aw she’s crying. Fuck, I’m crying.
Naomie comes into the house like “I just took my exams, I feel so good” and Craig’s face says “well how can I fuck that up?”
Naomie’s like “yeah so I was thinking about the way the trip ended and since I have room in my brain to think about things other than school ya I’ll admit I say bad things and some of our arguments are my fault.” Craig is like “Well thanks.” AND THEN NAOMIE SAYS “Well I’m not saying you’re not an asshole, I’m just saying I’m not blameless. But I’m not saying you’re not an asshole.”
This fucking bitch.
Craig is like “We’re not happy together anymore. I need positive vibes in my life.”
Honestly I’m not recapping this conversation because it sounds so scripted and these assholes didn’t even break up. Like ugh, come the fuck on. Where’s the drama? Where’s the pizzazz?
Kathryn goes over to Thomas’s to give him a flower because “their relationship is blooming”… oh lord. Thomas basically says “Yeah I still wanna bone Kathryn.”
Thomas says he’s seen Kathryn be negative and is like “if you were to redirect it in a positive way you can accomplish anything you want to accomplish.” Yeah I would lose my shit over this. I don’t need some man with a coke problem who knocked me up TWICE telling I was being “negative.”
And Thomas ends this conversation with Kathryn by quoting Gone With The Wind. Like, this fucking guy. This hug is awkwardly long. Getting uncomfortable. Thomas says “I think about you a lot” and Kathryn says “I think about you too baby.” OH GOD. NOOOO. Then she says “I kind of want to kiss you” AND IT CUTS. AHHHHH!!
I’m glad this season of Southern Charm concludes in true Southern Charm fashion: at a fancy black tie gala. Nothing like white Southern people bitching each other out in ballgowns.
Oh god, Kathryn and Thomas kissed and Naomie is telling everyone one by one like “Guess what! Thomas and Kathryn kissed!” I’m sorry, are we in middle school?
Landon is like “Well I’m not surprised Kathryn kissed Thomas, she doesn’t want to jeopardize her meal ticket.” But didn’t you just say…. oh just fuck me up, fam.
Kathryn comes through looking like a sexy pirate. That’s… certainly a choice.
JD gives a speech and is like “please try not to fuck shit up, ok guys?”
That girl Bailey from last season comes over and sits on Austen’s lap and kisses him on the cheek and Chelsea’s over in the corner like “I’m not gonna say anything. I just think it’s funny how…”
Chelsea’s like “I’m gonna tell you once. When you have another woman sitting on your lap and you’re rubbing her back and her butt you’re making me look like a fucking idiot.” Austen’s stammering like “I didn’t even realize that that would even upset you. I didn’t even know you actually cared. What do you want, Chelsea? Do you want to be exclusive or do you want to just stop this whole thing because you’re scared.”
Chelsea’s like “Well what do you want” and Austin’s like “Chelsea I’m crazy about you” and Chelsea is like “Same.” OMG STOP GUYS. I’m wearing mascara!
So Craig is talking to Landon, Shep, and Cameran. Landon is talking about how she doesn’t want to be friends with Kathryn. I have fucking whiplash rn. Shep is running his mouth and Craig’s like “talk shit, get hit.” Then he punches Shep in the leg. LMFAO. Honestly that was such a weak punch it’s so funny.
Craig: You and Kathryn just need to tell each other why you don’t like each other.
Shep: That’s how the Bay of Pigs was started.
Like, uh, no? The Bay of Pigs was started because Fidel Castro took control of Cuba and became Communist. What is Shep smoking?
Now this has turned into a fight over “who’s the drunk asshole?” These people are so fucking ridiculous, oh my god. I might actually kind of miss them during the hiatus.
Shep: You mess with the bull you get the fucking horns, son. *He says as he literally runs away, wine glass in hand*
45 minutes later… everyone’s dancing, Kathryn’s talking to Thomas and he’s like “look at your lips, they’re so sexy.” Squeezing her legs and shit. Oh boy. Please don’t make baby #3. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Thomas: I think we communicated more last night than the two years we were together.
Um, pressing your lips together does not equate to communication.
Kathryn tells Thomas she will always love him. Hoo boy. Just kill me now. The world cannot take a third Dennis/Ravenel child.