Southern Charm Recap: Don’t Cry Because It’s Over, Smile Because… It’s Over

Can’t believe it’s come to this, but here we are at the final. The Southern Charm reunion part 2. We made it fam. I would like to thank the following people: my brother, for calling out people’s bullshit; my friend Jess, for her ever astute observations; and most importantly, myself, for putting myself through this torture week after week.

I would also like to thank the cast members who, for whatever reason, enjoyed my recaps. So like, Landon and Patricia. I appreciate that you can laugh at yourselves. Also next time I’m in Charleston, aka the first time I’m in Charleston, you’ll be hearing from my publicist (who, incidentally, is me).

Ok before I start getting really sentimental and thanking the academy, let’s get this going.

So we pick up where we left off: Kathryn leaving in a huff and blockading herself in the dressing room. So like, nothing new here. Meanwhile back on stage all the rest of the cast is like “ugh, not this shit again.” I think even Andy is sick of it tbh. He’s like low-key encouraging everyone else to talk shit while she’s gone. Love it.

Andy addresses the drug test rumors head on and Kathryn says no comment. Apparently Kathryn took a hair follicle drug test and probs failed given her lack of comment, but Thomas didn’t do the same test because he SHAVED HIS WHOLE BODY. SHADYYYYYYYY

I know “innocent until proven guilty” and all but these are not the actions of an innocent man. Also, both of y’all are idiots, any college kid who’s ever had to take a drug test knows you just drink a bunch of cranberry juice and buy one of those smoke shop detox kits and you should be good to go.

In Kathryn’s defense, she’s 23. A 23-year-old doing coke is not exactly shocking. But Thomas, your ass is over 50. It’s time to put down the nose candy.

Landon’s face is the definition of a shit-eating grin rn

Kathryn and Thomas can’t coparent because Thomas isn’t giving her enough money. Wow, I am shocked. Thomas is like “we were never married” and Kathryn is like “you proposed like  7 times and we designed a ring together. So.”

Thomas: I want to do more than what’s fair

2 things are clear: 1) these people are on totally different wavelengths, and 2) Kathryn REALLY needs her own line of emojis. BRAVO, PLEASE MAKE KATHMOJIS HAPPEN. I’M BEGGING YOU.

Holy crap wait, Kathryn’s rent is 3100-2500…which is…600 fucking dollars (yes, I had to put that into a calculator) to live in that mansion? Bitch wut? BRB, moving to Charleston.

Kathryn: I made this necklace
Landon: That is the ugliest effing necklace I’ve ever seen
But Landon and Cam are still gonna deny on Twitter that they’re mean girls. Cool, looks like we’re playing that game.

Kathryn apparently lied about being pregnant at the season 2 reunion. Who gives a fuck? That’s her business honestly.

I could literally watch this entire show on mute, just to see Kathryn’s facial expressions. Honestly, I might do that next seasons and then craft the recaps out of what I imagine sparked each face.

They bring up #PoloGate 2K16. Apparently Thomas brought around a porn star who showed up and that’s why Kathryn freaked out. OK why is this reaction seeming slightly more reasonable now? Thomas is basically like “whatever she was on her period pregnant.” Thomas Ravenel, ladies and gentlemen.

Some fan called Kathryn out for faking a pregnancy complication. That’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see how that plays out for him.

Landon still thinks Kathryn is faking shit to manipulate Thomas.

Kathryn: Good cause you nasty.

Apparently Jennifer is carrying a high-risk pregnancy, so everyone is just pretending they never hated her. Cool, good to know that’s what it takes.

Wait, Jennifer’s last name is Snowden?? COINCIDENCE?!?!

Andy: …And the father is?
Jennifer: Excited!

Nice one! Uhh..Thomas is the father of her kid? Wait, was that a joke? I think it was a joke. TBD.

Jennifer and Thomas went on 3 dates and it was apparently NBD. Lol Andy, stop trying to make “canoodled” happen. Good job Jen, being a lady and refusing to fuck kiss and tell. Which we all know means yes, but I commend you nonetheless.

Also, we have to talk about Jennifer’s eyebrows.

What is it with blondes on this show and terrible eyebrow decisions? (Not you, Cameran, you beautiful tropical fish.)

Jennifer and Landon’s social media etiquette fight is just annoying. Please call me when you’ve graduated high school.

I don’t think Whitney has said a single thing yet.

Lisa from Redbank, NJ criticizing Kathryn for cutting Jen off to save her relationship with Thomas clearly doesn’t know what “bae” stands for.

Jennifer tears up thanking everyone for acknowledging that she’s not a bad person. Way to set the bar high, Jen. You need new friends.

Landon pretending to show emotion while Jen talks about her unborn child = nice try. Don’t quit your day job yet, Landon, because I’m not seeing an Oscar in your future.

Literally I could not give less of a fuck about where Whitney lives, why are we spending like, a full 5 minutes on this? Larissa said she’d move in with him but didn’t. Tough break champ.
Ah yes, TBT to Thomas’s dinner party. Or what I like call, DP Day. No wait. That came out wrong.

Landon saying she wanted to be friends with Kathryn. LOL fuck outta here with that, Landon. We all know you’re lying through your (very white) teeth.

Flashback to Thomas being like “Cam you remind me of my sisters. You’re self-righteous, judgmental, sanctimonious.”

Thomas: I was saying you’re like a sister to me! It’s a compliment!

Craig, no shame in not knowing what sanctimonious meant. I myself had to infer through context clues.

OK Landon does get a little whiny when she argues. I see it now.

Kathryn DGAF about Landon’s apology. Bye, Felicia.

Thomas: Can’t we all just get along?

Some viewer rightfully called out Thomas having no control over his emotions. HM, SOUNDS LIKE ANOTHER PERSON WE KNOW. Thomas blames it on his “poor breeding.” Are you kidding me with that bullshit?

Cameran says he had a “textbook nervous breakdown.” Ok Cam, just because you’ve been to therapy, like, 3 times does not all of a sudden give you a fucking doctorate in psychology.

It wouldn’t be a true Southern Charm reunion without Thomas butchering “filet mignon” with his signature French accent. At least we can count on him for something.

TRUE whoever called out Cameran for being trashy AF on The Real World and then shitting on Craig for not having his shit together. Apparently Cam begged the girls on Girls Gone Wild not to take off their clothes. LOL. Thanks, Mom.

Oh boy, what would the world look like if Landon was on The Hills? She might actually be able to make a website now. Also, she said no because she wanted to “find herself.” Why am I not shocked at all. One decade later and she still hasn’t located herself. Maybe she should use GPS.

Landon: You  [Kathryn] used your womb to be on television

Are we all just gonna gloss over this??? Apparently so. But I caught it.

Kathryn is honestly being a total BSCB trying to tell Landon what she can and cannot talk about. The world doesn’t work that way, boo boo. But maybe it will if Trump wins. Stay tuned I guess.

Andy: Please don’t talk about that, I’m going to murder myself. I’m not kidding. I’m going to murder myself.

The word you’re looking for is suicide, but thank you, Andy, for summing up how I have felt all season.

Craig: We still don’t have a tipping point on why you guys hate each other.

Daaaaamn Craig, back at it again to start shit in a totally not obvious way. Kathryn saying she’s been told by multiple people that Landon slept with Thomas. And like, are we just all gonna pretend like Shep’s date didn’t confirm it on the finale??? Is NOBODY going to mention it?? Or did it not happen and was just a figment of my imagination???

Kathryn thinks Landon propositioned Thomas. Whitney says Thomas tried to sleep with Landon. Apparently Thomas is a bad liar? I doubt that. Isn’t he like, a senator? Shep and Craig both shadily think they hooked up. Ah yes, all roads point to the pineapple incident. Can we make #PineappleIncident happen?


Kathryn basically just dusts the dirt off her shoulder. 

Landon: I grew up in a smaller town than Charleston that’s why I can’t deal with bitches like you

I audibly let out a “Whew!” It is getting hot in here, y’all.

Landon “working her ass off” lol.

Landon: I never had sex with your baby daddy but even if I did you weren’t together anyway.

That’s suspicious. Why would you have to try to justify someething you didn’t do if you didn’t do it?

Even Cameran is like “Just say you did it.” I don’t know what to believe anymore.

Bravo’s trying to kill me with this commercial break with 2 minutes left in the show. Can I live my fucking life? 

Seriously, you guys had a commercial break just so you could come back and be like “well that was fun, bye”? Bravo, god fucking damn it. I’m not even going to watch the end of this shit. Fuck y’all. See you assholes next season.


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