I didn’t think I was going to bother recapping the reunion, but I also didn’t think I was going to make it this far into this show without throwing myself off the Triborough Bridge—excuse me, Robert F. Kennedy—so here we go.
Probably my favorite thing about reunion shows is how everybody tries so hard to look good that they end up looking like drag queens. LESS IS MORE, Y’ALL. Craig looks beautiful as always. Call me.
Andy Cohen asks Shep if he had a late night with a lady last night and Shep’s like, no, not last night but def tonight. NY LADIES GET AT ME.
HOLD THE FUCK UP. Why was I not informed that
Craig the Southern Charm cast was going to be in my city? I feel personally victimized.
But anyway, Kathryn’s facial expression regarding Shep’s comment also sums up my own:
Like, if you watch this show and would still fuck Shep, you are seriously disturbed.
Landon’s earrings are gigantic. You know what they say about the bigger the hoops… Patricia isn’t here. COME ON PATRICIA! I’m starting to rethink calling you the Lisa Vanderpump of South Carolina because Lisa always shows up to talk shit rather than relaying her shady messages through her son! Ugh. I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.
Andy: Does anyone else feel like the show doesn’t represent them?
Shep: Nope, I really am a fuckboy. Cameras don’t lie.
Shep has a “Speedo shtick” apparently which I never noticed. Christine from Rhode Island, you’re paying way too much attention to this show.
Shep: I try not to be disrespectful to women; I love women.
LOL SHEP fucking women does not mean you love and respect them. I bet Shep has a black friend too.
Shep can’t even keep a straight face when saying he’d rather talk about literature than women.
Andy calling out Cameran for not inviting Kathryn to her dinner party is awkward, but I’m glad someone called her out. Cameran basically says she doesn’t do things she doesn’t like, i.e. invite Kathryn places, because it gives her anxiety—fucking newsflash: doing things you don’t want to do makes you uncomfortable. Literally every human is like this. This is called a comfort zone, and we all have them.
Kathryn calls Cam out for calling her birth tawdry, Cam tries to deny it and then THEY ROLL THE TAPE. Cam’s still like “I would never call the birth of your children tawdry”…but you just did tho… we all saw it… wow, denial is a potent drug. Can I get some?
Cam won’t get coffee with Kathryn because they’re not friends and they’d have nothing to talk about…which is kinda why you’d get coffee…to get to know someone… Cam, your argument’s kinda falling apart here.
When did we make “T. Rav” a thing?
Fuck you Andy for teasing me and making me think we’d finally get to see Cameran’s mysterious husband who I could probably just Google, but that would be way less fun.
Craig tries to say that his tacky-ass promise ring that he gave to Naomie is their engagement ring. I would strongly advise you to take that back before your relationship vanishes in front of your eyes.
Why does Shep care so much about whether or not Craig took the bar? OH HOLD UP, CRAIG IS NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE THE BAR BECAUSE HE NEVER FINISHED HIS THESIS.
OMFG. HOW DUMB ARE YOU. You had one job!
Shit. Maybe don’t call me. At least I’ve still got Prosper from AYTO. Where one reality TV bae fails, another succeeds. That’s the saying, right?
YAS Andy thank you for calling Landon’s meetings with Lockhart “cringey.” That doesn’t quite even begin to capture it, but you’re on the right track.
Wooo apparently Shep tried to hook up with Landon back in the day and Landon rejected Shep. My, how the tables have turned.
Kathryn: Irrelevance doesn’t exist in my brain
That doesn’t quite make sense but I feel like it would look really good printed on a sunset and hung up on my wall.
Savage-ass Shep is like “Landon’s gonna have to get used to seeing me with other girls bc it’s gonna keep happening and IDGAF.”
Woof, apparently Thomas took Landon on a trip that was supposed to be the Valentine’s Day trip he and Kathryn were supposed to go on. NOW it makes sense. The photos, the pineapple, the hatred. I guess I need to start doubting Kathryn less. Maybe.
Kathryn says Landon fucks everything she sees. Landon points out that she’s fucked everyone on the couch. Pot. Kettle. You two should be friends.
Cameran calls Kathryn paranoid for thinking Landon and Thomas slept together. Did we all watch the same finale or nah? Gas lighting is a bitch, y’all.
Whitney’s story for Kathryn’s shit being at his house is that she went to a party next store and she asked to change in his bedroom?
Kathryn’s giving very detailed anecdotes and descriptions and it’s clear that unless she’s a really fucking good liar and/or has broken into Patricia’s house just to try to use her coffeemaker, she’s telling the truth. Whitney’s like “well maybe she’s describing a real situation that happened 3 years ago but we’re not talking about it.” Fuck you, Whitney. Just admit you lied. All of you guys should be politicians, not just Thomas. I do love the playback of Whitney, caught in a lie and sputtering like a fucking idiot. Whitney blames it on the moonshine. Oh my fucking god. STFU, T-Pain.
God I sincerely hope that if Thomas and Kathryn fuck after this reunion show, they at least use a condom. Some viewer wrote in to ask if they’ve ever used protection. YAS QUEEN.
Footage from me watching this on my couch:
Patricia called them morons. I mean, birth control is nearly free in this country and they still couldn’t wrap it up, not once but TWICE so I’d say that’s a fair assessment.
Kathryn: Aw, isn’t that funny, she has something to say other than “martini”
Some viewer who has no chill asked Thomas why he wanted to have a third kid with Kathryn if he didn’t want to marry her. SAVAGE. That was awkward to watch. I thought Kathryn was going to cry.
Thomas….you are the father!
Kathryn to Landon: I don’t wanna be your friend, dumbass.
Said in pretty much the same voice and tone as:
WELP RIP your shot at being cordial with these people next season, Kath.
Kathryn says she’s on antidepressants because of Whitney and Patricia. That’s uncomfortable.
Kathryn and Thomas’s Twitter feud makes no sense. Don’t you guys have each other’s phone numbers?
Thomas: I want to spend as much time with my kids as possible. I have 2 nannies with them right now.
Kathryn calls Thomas an alcoholic and says he does drugs. Landon says Kathryn just failed a drug test. Thomas tells her to stay out of it. IDK I did see a shady-looking internet article that she failed a drug test tho. Kathryn, in true Kathryn fashion, ups and leaves. All right. Guess we gotta wait until next week for
answers more avoidance tactics. At least the show stays true to itself.