Southern Charm Recap: How Dumb Are These People?

And we’re back. I myself am fresh off of writing a rant about a fucking Oreo bagel, so apologies in advance if this is extra heated.

Cameran informs us that she and Shep are officially working together, even though they’ve been officially working together for like, the past 3 episodes. That’s all I care to comment on re: the intro. I’m a little over the narration, tbh. This show is not that deep; we really don’t need a “here’s what you missed” before every single episode.

Craig and Naomie have not made any moves in the unpacking department. They’re slowly becoming the most relatable people on the show.

Craig: There’s a lot of people who say monogamy is bullshit, but when you meet the right person you don’t just run away form them.

Dr. Love over here.

Craig gives Naomie the promise ring which tbh looks like any old ring you’d find at a thrift store. Way to set the tone for the relationship. So Craig’s method of giving it is to put the ring in a box with a bunch of his watches and be like, “Hey why don’t you help me pick out a watch?” because he didn’t want to give her a ring box and give her the wrong idea. Which I guess makes sense, but is still like, pretty lame.

Wow Craig is a huge softie. He tells Naomie he thinks JD is going to make him the head of the bourbon division and she’s like, “Wow you’re just crushing life rn.” Or is life really crushing Craig? TBD.

Cam pulls up to Shep’s place, where he is making breakfast at 1pm. What a champion.

Cam: I’m sure Shep got wasted after his party last night

Cut to: Shep taking shots of Goldschlager and visibly and audibly gagging like the fucking freshman he is. GET IT TOGETHER, SHEP. 

Shep: The only think I’m feeling is a little hungover but what else is new?

You get a reluctant “same” for that comment, Shep.

Shep and Cam are talking about the Kathryn thing and Cam talks about how she doesn’t wanna meet up and Shep’s like “Whyyy? It’s so much easier to just go out with her and take the high road. I just want everyone to be happy.” Clearly Shep does not get that the high road =/= what makes people happy. Hence why it’s called the high road in the first place.

Shep: It’s just so much easier to say yes than no. I keep telling girls that.

My brother, who’s making another appearance in our little recap: That makes you a rapist.

I won’t go that far, but I will say that it’s DEFINITELY not a good look, bro. Especially considering you JUST apologized last week for telling the world that Bailey is DTF, you should probably keep all comments about women to yourself. BTW, I can’t confirm that I was the one who brought about Shep’s apology, but I also can’t deny it, so basically, women of the world: you are welcome.

Back at Kathryn’s, our fave redhead swallows her pride and calls her archnemesis-for-no-reason, Elizabeth.

Kathryn: I did distance myself from Elizabeth because her husband is JD and it’s as simple as this: JD is Thomas’s best friend.

I mean this makes sense given that Kathryn, as I just found out, is 23 years old and therefore unaware that adults like Elizabeth and JD are in fact capable of acting like adults.

Back at the house Cam and Shep are showing, it is clear Shep knows jack shit about selling houses. Honestly, why did he agree to this at all? Also, what does Shep do for a living when he’s not pretending to sell real estate? How do any of these people make money, actually?

Shep: Real estate isn’t brain surgery. It’s basically personality-driven. And lucky for me I have plenty of that.

Shep takes control of the appointment and tries to contradict Cam and set the price for the house IN FRONT OF THE BUYER. I’m not even a real estate agent; I’ve only watched a few episodes of Property Brothers, but even I can tell that’s a big no-no. Geez, Shep.

OK Landon has the same type of dog I used to have so she’s now skyrocketing up in my favor. RIP Klondike.

Anyway, Landon’s big plan is to go with the online magazine. Magazines: a true moneymaker in the year 2016. Not an oversaturated market at all. But she’s going up to NY to meet with a friend who does this kind of thing anyway. Landon’s dad is like, “Are you sure this isn’t just an excuse to buy new clothes?” No, dad. They don’t sell preppy shit in New York. Gosh.

Craig goes to meet with JD and honestly I feel like JD talks like a gruff 1920’s fat cat who just chain-smokes cigars all day and calls everyone “sonny.” Idk if I’m totally off-base here but I don’t think I am, at least. Craig’s big assignment is to send out emails to people. Uh, can I work here? Apparently Danni has been in the liquor buying/selling business for 15 years, which I don’t believe because she looks 25 TOPS. I guess South Carolina has lax labor laws, who knows? Also, to prove that she really knows her shit, they have a flashback to Danni opening some wine for Thomas and she uses a corkscrew and Thomas is like, “Wow you really know your shit.” Seriously?

Kathryn rolls up to JD and Elizabeth’s house where her three children are all dressed like matching Newsies extras. Can’t lie, it is very cute.

Oh, this is so tense. It’s uncomfortable. Elizabeth is classy AF and immediately calls Kathryn out but in a classy way like, “Hey, what’s going on? You haven’t returned my calls for 6 months, I know that’s not an accident,” but her voice is so gentle and soothing you just want to tell her all your problems.

Kathryn admits she pulled a Stassi and just cut people out of her life left and right. Elizabeth is like, “I will never abandon you or Kensie” and I might cry. Why is she so nice? Can I adopt her as my older sister? I’ve got room for an aunt. Y’ALL, I CAN’T HANDLE THESE SENTIMENTAL MOMENTS.

Oh thank god, commercial break.

Shep goes to Thomas’s house where Thomas explains they’re going to paint a mural on his white picket fence. What a weirdo. I’m getting some Huck Finn vibes. Thomas eats at Jimmy John’s. This is shocking me more than it should.

Thomas and Shep clearly have nothing in common and this interaction was clearly so forced just so they could have a vehicle to talk shit about Kathryn. Apparently Kathryn lashed out at Thomas (shocker) because she was upset she wasn’t invited to Shep’s party.

Thomas: When Kathryn gets upset and stressed, all the blood goes to her brain and oxygen’s not going to the baby.

I’m gonna have to fact-check this one and get back to you. Even Shep is like, “THAT seems melodramatic but whatever I guess.”

Landon meets with the head of Vox Media who she just casually knows and now I am jealous AF. Gonna start praising TF outta Landon in these recaps. Can’t wait to be your +1 at Patricia’s next party, girl!

Landon is kind of all over the place with her pitch of this magazine. Also she’s definitely describing, word for word, a magazine I used to work at. I CAN HOOK YOU UP. But also, and probably more importantly, you should probs find a new enterpreneurial venture because the thing you’re trying to create already exists.

So Lockhart Steele, head of Vox Media and not, as his name suggests, star of the porn version of Zoolander, is like, “Ok so what are you thinking of covering in your magazine?”

Landon: Like you know, the arts…travel…arts…art?

So that meeting didn’t go well. Is it time to go shopping yet?

Cam’s having a bloody Mary in the middle of the day #spiritanimal, and Whitney and Shep join her. Craig’s harassing them about a bourbon tasting.

Cam: I can get why “bourbon research” *mimes chugging* is more appealing to Craig than law research.

Cameran, telling it like it is. Shep is trying to get them to go on some vacation.

Shep: We can go hiking…

Cameran: I don’t hike.

This place is also 4.5 hours away and Cameran and Whitney want to fly there. Bless their hearts. Also right away they’re like, “Can we not invite Kathryn?”

Whitney says Kathryn is not his “fucking cup of tea.” Are you SURE about that, Whitney? Interesting use of the word “fucking,” is all I’m sayin’.

This bourbon event looks kind of shitty. They don’t even have real labels yet, just mockups. Is this amateur hour or what??

Craig: This place is legit. There’s all these contraptions and barrels and stuff…

Meanwhile Craig’s telling people he’s going to be head of the bourbon division while he’s like “What’s this molasses-like stuff on the barrel? Is it tar?” and “I had no idea we had a lot of inventory of bourbon.”

Craig is stepping on major toes and says to JD, “How come you don’t tell me about all this stuff? This must be where you hang out all the time.” Spoken like a true jealous wife.

Even Shep is like “Yeeeeeah… Craig is not qualified to run a bourbon company in any way, shape or form.”

Also is it just me or does Craig seem wasted? This is while they’re like “Hey don’t drink all of this at once, this is a TASTING event.”

Also Craig and his friends DEEEEFFFF pregamed this shit because Cameran’s like “What’s aroma mean? What’s finish mean? Is that like, whether you can finish it all?” That is actually a direct quote. Yooooo my hand hurts from all the face-palming I just did. Yikes.

So JD actually really knows his shit and Craig and everyone else is just here to get crunk. I mean, I can’t say I don’t act exactly the same way, but I can say that when I drink vodka sodas I don’t pretend to be a vodka connoisseur who is going to lead Absolut’s vodka division or whatever.

Craig is asking Danni what the difference is between bourbon and rye and he’s like “IDK nobody ever tells me anything!” Hey Craig, have you ever heard of something called Google?

Danni is like, “Craig, this is a hundred billion dollar industry and you’re not just going to get in by knowing the bartenders for once in your life.” You can tell Craig’s world was rocked by this statement.

Craig: I get what Danni’s saying but I’m smart as shit.

…But like, not smart enough to do some cursory fucking internet research on the industry you want to manage? Okay. At least he’s hot though.

After the tasting Craig and Shep have a drunken heart-to-heart.

Craig: I thought I was part of the team but I don’t even have an assigned seat. I feel like I’m in middle school.
This whole episode feels like I’m in middle school.

At the same time, three feet away, JD is literally offering Danni a job as VP of the bourbon division which is REALLY FUCKING SHITTY TO DO. Like, you can’t set up a private meeting for that? Come on JD, I’m disappointed in you.

Meanwhile Shep is doing a very accurate Landon impression.

Shep *impersonating Landon*: I have an idea! La la la!

Damn, spot-on.

Craig is confronting JD and Danni about the bourbon thing. Ohhh Lord. I am so uncomfortable.

Poor Craig. JD is letting him down kinda gently but it is SO brutal. JD talking Craig down is like, when you have to tell a little kid they’re not tall enough to ride the roller coaster at Six Flags. Like, “You see the ruler there, right buddy? And you see how you’re not quiiiite hitting the ruler, yeah? And you know we wouldn’t want you to ride the roller coaster and get hurt, right pal?” Not spoken from true experience or anything.

Wait, did Craig just tell his boss he doesn’t like him? That’s like, probably not a great business strategy.

Oh this is so awkward. Now Craig has to tell Naomie that he basically blew smoke up his own ass and this bourbon thing was never happening. Naomie is visibly very pissed and is about to cry, and this reaction is kind of making me suspicious of her motives. Like, why is she more visibly upset than Craig is? Is she a gold digger? Is she just wildly trusting of Craig? Will Craig ever learn what bourbon actually is? Stay tuned until next time, I guess, when none of these questions are answered. 


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