You Can Pay An Insane Amount Of Money To Get Into A Good Sorority If You’re Ugly & Boring

Ahhh… sorority rush. The one time of year where a bunch of fake af basic betches recruit a bunch of younger, newer fake af basic betches to pay to be their friend. The only problem is if you’re ugly or stupid or or poor or have the personality of a fucking brick wall, you’re pretty much SOL. Especially those first three because god knows all they really care about is you being hot, sitting next to a nerd all through high school having a good GPA, and what your dad’s bank account looks like. But don’t worry. If any of that describes you, we’re here to make your shitty-ass Wednesday better and tell you about sorority rush consultants aka middle-aged women who you can pay to help you become a college version of a Stepford wife. Lucky you!

Town & Country did a whole write up on the mysterious life of these rush consultants, and tbh, I can’t tell if their take is “holy fuck this is terrifying” or “yippee what a brill idea.” But I’m here to say that this is the thirstiest, most pathetic shit I’ve heard in my whole life. And while I read the entire thing in all its glory, I’m taking a bullet for you betches and just breaking down the most important parts to save you both time and brain cells. I accept both cash and wine as forms of payment as a sign of your gratitude. Oh, and the asterisks mean the girls’ names were changed to prevent further hazing for paying someone to make them cool.

“The cards were stacked against Hannah*, a PNM—or ‘prospective new member’—entering rush week 2017 at the University of Alabama. She was a sophomore, for one thing, not a freshman like most of her fellow PNMs. She wasn’t a legacy, but worse than that, she wasn’t even from the south.”

Not from the South?!?! THE HORROR! As a person from the South who was in a sorority at an SEC school, I can tell you that no one gives a flying fuck if you’re from the South or not. It’s not like northerners or westerners are fucking lepers or something. And wtf is a rush consultant do about that? Forge your birth certificate. Fucking doubt it.

This Is A Case For The FBI

“She was down an internet spiral when she happened upon Pat Grant, the founder of Rushbiddies, a Birmingham-based consultancy dedicated to helping girls, in Grant’s words, ‘prepare for one of the most important aspects of higher education’—that is, rush week.”

First of all, I wouldn’t take sorority advice from a woman named Pat. Sorry. But that’s just a fact. Second of all, of course this shit it based out of Birmingham. And third of all, “one of the most important aspects of higher education”? Are you serious? I’m all for getting shitfaced and dressing like a slutty highlighter for a neon-themed mixer but I wouldn’t exactly describe that as “one of the most important aspects of higher education” for women. But thanks for your opinion, Pat.

“[Pat] will do damage control when needed, like in the case of the PNM whose winter break Snapchat showing her dancing with another girl went viral in the days before her second semester rush. ‘All it takes is one image to be misconstrued,’ says Grant. ‘I say, I don’t care if this guy is just a friend of yours. If you’ve got your arms all over him, they’re not gonna know he’s not your boyfriend. Or maybe that swimsuit doesn’t make the best impression.’ Over the summer, at Grant’s recommendation, Hannah edited her feeds to delete anything political. ‘I didn’t want to give anyone any reason to cut me,’ says Hannah. ‘It has to be super vanilla, all the way through.’”

Wow. There’s so much bullshit here I can barely fucking breathe. Did I miss the part where dancing with other girls, hanging out with guys who aren’t your boyfriend, and wearing bikinis aren’t pretty much the only thing sororities do? I can honestly say in the four years I was in college all I did was dance like a hoe with my friends, hang out with fuckboys without being their girlfriend, and skip class to go to the pool in the smallest bathing suit I could find. Who fucking cares? Are these people trying to join a sorority or a convent? PLEASE ADVISE, PAT. And god forbid a good Southern girl care about politics. Or have opinions of any kind, for that matter. There are more important things a sorority sister should focus on—you know, like contouring and shopping and husband hunting. Obvi.

Heather Dubrow

“‘Grant tells the story of one girl who showed up to a pre-rush workshop wearing a dress and cowboy boots. ‘I said, why did you choose cowboy boots?’ Grant recalls. ‘She said, everyone knows cowboy boots are my signature. I told her, maybe back in high school they were your signature. But here, you don’t have a signature. You have to meet what’s expected until you’re established. Then you can wear your cute little cowboy boots.’ Sarah* worked with Lorie Stefanelli of Manhattan-based Greek Chic to prepare for rush at Texas Christian University. Over the phone, they’d practice typical conversations to determine ‘what elements of my personality to play up,’ she says. ‘We also paid a lot of attention to my outfits. Lorie was very particular about looking classy, not wearing super-short shorts or revealing dresses. More Audrey Hepburn.’ Safe looks included anything Kate Spade, Tory Burch, or monogrammed. At Alabama this year, says Hannah, some girls “didn’t get that you should cover up. They’d show up in backless dresses and they’d get released.”

Let me start by saying, I personally do not believe cowboy boots are ever a good wardrobe choice. Like, are you hear to rally the cows or fucking drink? But I digress because there’s a bigger issue. If by “meet what’s expected” you mean “wear fucking Lilly Pulitzer like a massive toddler on Easter,” that’s gonna have to be a hard pass from me, dawg. And idk where sorority girls get off telling people to cover up. Have you gone through your Explore page on Insta recently? It’s pretty much boobs and labia and sorority hand signs. So excuse the fuck out of me for showing my back.

Luann De Lesseps

“Grant aims to get her girls into one of their top two houses, and says she hit the mark for every one of the 20 girls she put through recruitment last year. She charges $1,500 for her most popular package, which includes 40 hours of text, chat, and Skype, as well as workbooks and handouts, but of course, it’s not about the money.”

$1,500 for texting someone a few times about what to wear for rush? Of course it’s not for the money! Pat is practically a philanthropist. Idk if you heard, but she’s actually being considered for the Nobel Peace Prize this year.

World Peace

“Sarah says she talked to Stefanelli every night during rush week, usually for two hours. ‘She’d help me decide the order of the houses I liked,’ says Sarah. ‘Or I’d say, is this OK to say tomorrow if I am invited back? PNMs like to talk. And when you’re insecure, it’s much better to have someone outside of the process to talk with.’”

Hey “Sarah”, here’s some fucking advice. Say whatever you wanna say. You are literally determining what group of girls are to haze and judge tf out of you be your friends so if shit’s awkward, they’re probs not the right house for you. Is that not fucking obvious?

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