126. Skiing

With Decembetch upon us we felt it necessary to introduce another favored sport amongst betches. Skiing, fucking duh, it says it in the title.

A true betch has been skiing since she came out of the womb, ever since her parents had her on an actual leash on the slopes. Obvi, you can bet that like everything else, she’s amazing at it. Betches love skiing because even though it’s a sport, it’s actually just a synonym for vaca.

snowboardWho says you can’t snowboard like a slut?

Unless you’re a year-round mountain dweller, and we don’t know any betches who are, skiing isn’t a casual activity whatsoever, it’s a process. “Going skiing” requires flying somewhere luxurious, spending a lot of money to attach two long poles to your feet and pretending to #118 work out, followed by a night of blacking out. Snaps for skiing, which makes it possible for us to demonstrate our superiority while also burning calories. So fucking efficient.


Let’s talk about where to ski. A true ski snob knows that it’s not acceptable to ski anywhere on the east coast. Acceptable ski locations include places like the Swiss or Austrian Alps, Aspen, Whistler, Vail, Jackson Hole, Beaver Creek, etc.

Now the clothes. Skiing requires a unique uniform and the perfect way to show off how elitist you are when you’re on the slopes. Like if you’re not wearing Kjus get out of my way, you poor fucking amateur. Unfortunately no matter how pretty or skinny you are, no one will ever look good in ski attire, so if you care more about dressing like a slut than being an active betch we suggest you redirect your private jet to the Maldives.

If you don’t know what après ski is you’re not a betch and you’re probably poor or like, engage in skiing in order to challenge yourself. And no, having hot chocolate after skiing doesn’t count, Michael Vale.

guysApres ski like a with a pro

Let’s talk about skiing vs snowboarding. Unless you swing the way of Ellen DeGeneres or are so hot everything you do looks feminine, stay away from the board. Snowboarding is for girls who shop at Pac Sun and call other girls “man.” And stop saying shit is “rad”, no one wants to fuck Travis Birkenstock.


So this winter, when you’re not putting more effort into your #27 tan than you did into getting a college degree, reward yourself with an extra vaca in the form of a ski trip. Or if you’re not betchy enough to get your boss to agree to give you more time off, you can still go skiing from the warmth of your apartment.

And remember, although any kind of diamonds are super betchy, watch where you’re fucking going when hitting the black ones. Getting too cocky in Interlaken will leave you rolling around Europe in no time; the last thing you need abroad is the #9 nickname FDR and people asking you if you regret bombing Hiroshima.


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