It's been a long, lonely 20 years, but recently I have found a guy that is worth giving up my life-long single status. Being an independent betch was fun and all, but that got lonely real quick. The only issue with prince charming is the location of his castle in relation to mine. You see, I go to school in Alabama and he goes to school in Michigan. We both are from the same town where we spent literally our whole summer together. Now, the summer is dwindling down and I really don't want our relationship to end. My question is, how do I keep my summer romance alive despite the distance that will soon be between us?
Dear Lonely Girl,
I just cannot get over how ridiculous it is that you started your letter with “it’s been a long, lonely 20 years”. Since you mention that you are going back to college I am going to assume that the “lonely 20 years” refers to your entire life and that you are not some wrinkly 50-year-old who has actually had a long, lonely 20 years since she and her husband got divorced back in the 90s. Whether you define being lonely as being literally a kid growing up, you know, like a normal fucking kid and not like some weirdo on “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” getting married at age 16 (how is that even legal btw?) or as not getting any D until college, either way you're fucking insane.
You are not lonely and never were, but maybe you could be a little bit more of a slut and hook up with some more bros because it sounds like you are suffering from a lack of dick in your life rather than a lack of love.
As for your “summer romance” and the impending, life shattering, doom, misery, disaster of you going back to college where there just happen to be hundreds of bros willing to give anything with a pulse the D, you have a decision to make. You can either try to hold onto whatever shred of dignity you have left and not go Grade A clinger and hold back from FaceTiming your townie every 5 minutes or you could realize that if you are thinking of this guy as your salvation from loneliness that maybe you should step back and realize that you are only 20 and that college is a time for learning about yourself and trying out all the different varieties of bros available out there.
Honestly honey, you sound seriously crazy and I’m sure that you can’t handle a long distance relationship. The key to a healthy long distance relationship is trust and independence and judging by your letter you are clearly not capable of either yet, so you should just end it now.