Shanghai: Betches Love This City

What with all the weird fetishes (or is that Japan?) and pollution that can make a betch cough as if she’s been chain smoking for twenty years, a betch usually avoids Mao Zedong’s country. But there is a small exception. Or a really large exception, because Shanghai has, like, 24 million people.

Shanghai is the perfect getaway for betches who want to seem like they’re doing a cultural exchange, learning Mandarin, or engaging in something else productive and worldly, but really just want to shop and get trashed every night (and day). If you can manage to avoid death by vehicular manslaughter, then Shanghai is the place for you.

During the Day

Just take the Shanghai Metro to People’s Square (not Tiananmen Square, don’t go there, that’s not even in Shanghai) and start walking around. Literally there is a Gucci store on every block. Shanghai people love their Gucci, apparently. Go to the Super Brand Mall. It has a stupid name, but it’s huge. It has like 13 stories and has pretty much any store you can think of.

When you’re in China, you should definitely bargain and haggle. Obv don’t do it in like, Louis Vuitton. But if you do it on a street vendor, it’s like the ultimate retail therapy. You’ll probably get ripped off because you’re #63 American, but let’s be real. You can afford it. And once you buy something from haggling, throw it away and go buy something at a real store. You don’t want that gross fake shit.

You could also check out some of the beaches. It is on the coast, after all. I mean, you’ll probably die from like radiation poisoning or whatever the fuck is in their water. If you want to avoid that, try out the Bund Beach. It’s along the famous Bund, where you can see all the huge skyscrapers that make the city look like a child’s playground. It has sand, drinks, volleyball, a DJ, you know, the works. If you want an actual beach, go to Jinshan Beach. This small stretch of the ocean goes through a filtration system so that people won’t die after swimming in it. It also has imported golden sand. Make sure you hit up the west end of the beach. That’s where the darties happen.

At Night

Drink. A lot. There are so many places to drink. Literally every store, doesn’t matter if it’s a tiny little convenience store or if it’s the fucking Carrefour, they all carry lots and lots of alcohol.

There are equally as many places to go out to drink. Try Perry’s Café. It’s a Westerner’s favorite to smoke some hookah and get a few drinks. If you want a quick and story-worthy pregame, go down to the Snow Bar at The Binjiang One. Each shot is only like about ten US dollars. And you get to wear this giant North Face coat to go into basically a walk in freezer with cool lights.

If you’re ready to rage, take a trip down to Muse on the Bund where you can get absolutely overpriced drinks, which you’ll actually probably get for free because some Chinese baller wants to treat the betches from America. There’s also the other Muse, M2, a little farther away, but just as fun and crowded.

If you’re not down to rage all night (which I don’t know why you wouldn’t be unless you’re old or weird or both) check out any of the KTVs where you can drink and sing your heart out. Walking along the Bund and looking at all the buildings while you’re loud and tipsy with your friends is a great time.

Things to Keep in Mind

If you look foreign, especially blonde hair blue eyes, you will get a lot of attention. Which is great, because betches love attention. People will try to touch your hair and take pictures with you. Oftentimes, they will ask you to hold their infant babies. Run. If they somehow coerce you into doing it, beware. Chinese babies have a hole where their asses are instead of a diaper. Because why would you need a diaper when you can just have them shit on the street?

Cars first, and if a pedestrian gets hit, oh well. So don’t think cars will stop for you.

Nobody will card you. Especially if you’re clearly foreign, nobody wants to see you more drunk than the Chinese. If you’re old, don’t be offended. If you’re young, enjoy the freedom.

Most importantly, do not do illegal drugs. Even daddy can’t break you out of Chinese prisons. You will probably get executed, nbd. 


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