Sexts and Subtext with Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I've had a lifelong crush on the best friend of one of my brothers. I never thought anything would happen between us because he is 5 years older and I probably seemed immature at the time. Well being the betch that I am once I turned 18 we finally hooked up and had an intense sexual connection and for about 7 months we would regularly see each other. Then he did some asshole things like get a girlfriend a few days after we hooked up. I hadn't talked to him in about a year and half but then I drunkenly texted him because I was in the area he lives in. Fast forward a few weekends and I end up staying at his place and we hooked up but didn't have sex. He's always really cute when we're together and say/does nice things even though he knows he's getting laid regardless. Then it was his birthday a few weeks later and thinking I wasn't going to see him because I'm studying abroad, I lied about a gift I got him. Well that turned into him wanting to see me one more time and so last minute I got some lingerie so I didn't show up empty handed. That night everything went great and he loved it. The next morning we had sex again and fell asleep after. Once we woke up he was like “I gotta go” he said I could stay there for awhile and sleep but I didn't want to so I left. He kissed me goodbye and wished me well on my trip. He then texted me….

“Hope you enjoyed yourself”

I don't know about you but that seems like a weird thing to say like oh asshole, you didn't enjoy yourself…? and then when I said hope you liked your present! Happy belated birthday….he never answered……normally after I leave we text a decent amount.

I highly doubt this relationship is going anywhere because it's such a secret and I plan on falling in love abroad but I would kind of like to know why the fuck he's being so weird now. What happened in between our sexcapades that's making him so standoffish?

Was lingerie a bad choice?

Dear Lingerie,
Well, since you plan on “falling in love abroad”, I don’t see what the big deal is. Just ask any older betch who’s gone abroad how well that worked out. Oh wait, you can’t, because they all fell in love and never came back! Since you already recognize the key tenet of betchiness as “over-eagerly fucking a guy as soon as you’re legal”, I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding your very own Casanova.

The problem is that this guy has never and would never take you seriously because you are his friend’s sister. Sure you grew up to be all hot and stuff, and as a bro that’s tough to turn down, but you’re talking about a guy who watched you grow up, and to a certain extent probably saw you as a sister himself. As fun and as hot as you may be, it’s never not going to be at least a little weird for him. I don’t see where he ever really actively pursued you (since he was being nice “even though he knew he was getting laid”), so this probably went on for as long as it did because of yous *ahem* enthusiasm. I mean, good for you for making your fantasy a reality, but don’t expect to be related to the guy’s friend and be at his beck and call and then expect him to propose.

He saw your going abroad as a chance to end the weirdness, and also to get in one last romp (because you know, vaginas). Really though, he’s probably knows he just can’t compete with all those European men waiting to wife up American exchange students.

Lingerie is never a bad choice,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I am a high school senior who is really good at not sleeping with bros. I have been talking to this guy that I work with for over a year now. I only see him once a week but we both admitted to being into each other. He's 25 and we've gone out once but I've been seeing other people too. We've had other plans but he's a total flake. Not to toot my own horn, but the other guys at work say that I can do much better. I don't know why but for some reason I'm still into him. Even though he's a flake, he's always been very respectful and in the beginning he asked for my parents approval which made me think that he wanted a relationship. Everything changed last night when I got these texts from him. Does he think that this is a turn on? Does he just want to be fuck buddies?

The Terrorist Betch


Dear Terrorist Betch,

Where the fuck do you girls find these people? When you say “work with him”, does your job entail looking under rocks and bridges, and you really mean you found him while at work? Let’s break down what’s going on here:

– You are 17 or 18, and this guy should be well out of college. Ok yeah, there’s a certain appeal there, but that’s too much. And then he “asked for your parents’ approval”? That’s not him looking for a relationship. That’s him getting an idea of how observant the people who’d be searching for your body are.
– He is, again, 25, but he works in close proximity to a high school senior. I’m not saying a guy necessarily has to be a hotshot financier to be eligible, but in what universe are a not-quite-high-school-graduate and a 25 year old qualified to do the same thing? Are you sure he’s “all there”, as they say?
– What 25 year old guy hasn’t gotten any for a year? Even in the deepest of slumps most people can manage a reunion sesh with an ex or at least like a handy in the back of a cab from someone he met in a bar. Oh that’s right, no one’s ever met anyone he claims to have dated, and he’s not allowed in a taxi cab in at least 39 states. Sorry, my bad.
– “Is there a respectful way of saying theirs [sic] nuthing [sic] I want more then [sic] to eat your pussy right now :)” Nope, not any more respectful than that. Totally nailed it, bro. The key is to end the question with the right emoticon to get them to stop acting like terrorists and release their vaginal hostages. I’ve had a lot of success with (V)!_!(V). It’s a crab, get it? It lets them know that I’ll either give them crabs, or crabs will soon after be consuming their corpse. Ladies love a guy who’s mysterious

This guy is at best the worlds biggest anti-bro, and at worst a lunatic. You seem a little freaked out, but not freaked out enough. Run.

He doesn’t drink because it makes it harder to hold the knife steady,

Head Pro

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