Sexts and Subtext with Head Pro

Need more douchey advice? Email [email protected] with your textual regrets. Oh, and follow him on Twitter.

Dear Head Pro,

Back story is I'm trying to be the #16 post breakup betch, and met Sergeant. He's helping me rebound a from a major broken heart. We've hooked up in person a couple times, sexted, phone sex… and beyond that we would just go hang out as friends too. Very casual though, I'm not ready for serious. That, and he's much older than myself…but hey, when there's chemistry, there's chemistry. I knew he was religious…but I have faith too, and his response was something I just didn't expect.

Maybe I'd understand more if #sexting wasn't something we had already established as appropriate conversation. But since it's not the first time, I've got to ask, what the heck? Other than striking me as weird, it also makes me feel that he sees me as slutty. And, I'm not. So I brushed it off and deleted his number. But I've got to ask the Head Pro …is this, under any circumstances, a normal response, ever?

P.S. the picture he sent me is of some serene mountainside. That's also fucking weird, right?

Thanks! xoxo,


Dear Textually Active,

There are a lot of weird things going on here, and not just his texts. First of all, what kind of weird interaction do you have with this guy? You’ve only hooked up “in person” (why does that need to be qualified?) a couple of times, and the rest is sexting? Phone sex? Who the fuck even has phone sex anymore? Phone sex is for couples in a LDR who don’t understand how Skype or Google work. I’m not one to stand in the way of a post breakup betch, but usually heartbreak is cured with vodka and dick, not conversations that include the phrase “what are you wearing right now?” What was his pickup line, an AIM chat that said “A/S/L”?

Concerning his text, dealing with the God Squad types can be tough for those of us who think “divine” is a caption you use when you’re instagramming a plate of sushi. There’s nothing wrong with being religious (anyone in the comments who posts some shit about religion being the cause of all war should stop reading this and go back to studying for their freshman humanities final), but it can be frustrating. I dated a girl for a while who grew up very religious, and whether or not we were going to fuck literally depended on which one of her showed up. For those people, it can sometimes be a struggle to come to terms with their human urges while staying true to their faith, and they sure as hell don’t want to mix the two. So in a way, him brushing off your sext the day after church isn’t totally crazy.

So no, that isn’t a normal response to receive, especially since he’d been amenable to dirty texting before. You already deleted his number, which is probably the right thing to do. Given that you only hooked up a couple of times (in person though!), I have a feeling the real benefit of this guy to you was the thrill of sexting and being made to feel sexy. If he’s not down with that anymore, then I don’t see the point of keeping him around.

I think the mountains were a nice touch,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I would normally NEVER do something like this but this guy has got me so confused and you're the only one who can give me some answers! I have been hooking up (non exclusively but while we're sober) with this guy for about a month. When we are together he is beyond nice and seems really into me, but its when we're not together that I'm confused. Keep in mind that I don't even care about dating this guy, I'm happy with our current arrangement (just got out of a long relationship, not looking for another). What I am confused about is whether this guy is even into me and whether I'm wasting my time or embarrassing myself by occasionally texting him (but he generally initiates conversation). I have never been SO confused by a guy. As you see by the texts, he asks me to hang out all the time. As you can also see by the texts, he bails on me all the time. Literally 50% of the time he asks me to hang out, he just straight up doesn't text me when he says he will.

Why would he put the effort into asking me to hang out if he never wants to go through with it? I would obviously understand if he just didn't reply to my texts/didnt actually ask me to hang out that he wasn't into me. I'm not totally delusional. But why does he ask me to hang out and then never text me when he says he will? Normally when I start having sex with a guy, out of respect I will stop hooking up with other guys even if we don't discuss being exclusive. Should I abandon this guy and just move on? He's a good hookup and good looking so I'm reluctant to give him up.


Confused Betch

Dear Confused Betch,

I’m about to let you in on something that will blow your mind: It’s called mass texting, and it’s the must-have technology of 2004. On the off chance your dad wasn’t already planning on buying you a hot pink Motorola Razr for Christmas, with this high-tech messaging capability it’s almost too good to be true. Soon, you’ll be able to text all of your friends at once while you’re watching TRL! Want to plan a party? No problem! Just send out a mass text, cue up that hot new Destiny’s Child album in WinAmp on your Dell desktop PC, and boom! Instant party!

Seriously though, even though it doesn’t appear (from what you sent me; mass texts usually look different on an iPhone) that you’re a victim of a mass text booty call, the principle remains the same. If a guy’s texting you at 3PM to hang out and then disappears for seven hours, it’s a good bet that he found something more interesting to do. Like get a haircut. Nice job needlessly blurring that out, btw. Context!

You say you aren’t interested in a relationship with him, but you’re fucking him (or rather trying to) and you’re emailing me, so it may be time to get honest with yourself about your feelings. Girls always tell me they don’t want to get into a relationship immediately after they get out of one, but in my experience that’s not always true. A breakup leaves a huge void in your life, and most people don’t have the patience to slowly reintroduce themselves into the wild, so to speak. Instead, most people are like monkeys, grabbing onto the next tree branch before they fully let go of the previous one. This guy just isn’t being a very stable tree branch for you. I don’t think you’re confused; I think you’re annoyed (and maybe a little hurt) that this guy isn’t giving you his full attention. And that’s fine, it’s natural. Just understand yourself before you try to understand someone else.

You can try any number of things to get his attention, but the bottom line is that the guy seems to like you well enough, but only when there isn’t something better going on. One thing I would advise, though, is to cut it out with the passive aggressive “I’ve pretty much given up on you” bullshit. That’s not going to endear you to anyone. Instead, if he wants to be vague, be vague back. Don’t plan your night around the possibility of seeing him. Instead, make your own plans, and force him to nail down the specifics if he wants to work his way into those plans. It’s science.

Razr Sharp Kisses,

Head Pro


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