Dear Head Pro,
So I recently accidentally happened upon a weird gelatinous sex toy under the sink in my boyfriend's bathroom. I learned it's a flesh light. Thought it was a little pervy but decided to put it out of my mind, since everyone is entitled to their privacy and whatever they want to do in their alone time I guess.
Then the other night we are in the midst of a hookup sesh and he says he's going to go grab some lube. Closes the bathroom door and spends the next 15-20 minutes in the bathroom alone. I can hear exactly what's going on. Afterwards he comes out and tells me he couldn't find the lube, isn't feeling well (to account for the long absence… but I could hear every sound), and goes to bed.
Do I play dumb or bring this up? I don't want to seem like I was snooping since I legit never meant to happen upon it in the first place and had only been searching for some q-tips. This is also a pretty new relationship and I feel like this makes me sound absurdly insecure since it's an inanimate object not a person he's cheating on me with.
Still I can't help but feel off-put, like he now prefers this to the real thing. I wouldn't want to embarrass him-or myself-by bringing it up though, since this relationship makes me the happiest I've ever been.
Ugh. Grossly shaped pink rubber is the bane of my existence. Please help.
Whatever clever name works best with this sad-ass story
Yikes. Male sex toys are definitely a thing, and I think every guy has tried rubbing one out prior to sex in order to perform better during the main event (this rarely works), but I’ve never heard of a guy replacing actual sex with space-age masturbation. If anything, that’s something guys worry about girls doing to them. “But my dick can’t vibrate!” etc. Like, I guess be open to the possibility that the sounds you heard were actually coming out of his butt and he really didn’t feel good? I mean no, haha, he was definitely fucking his fleshlight, but I’m trying to find a silver lining here.
There are a couple of ways you can go about this. The first (and obvious) thing to do would be to move his lube to the nightstand (where it should be anyway) so that next time he doesn’t have an excuse. If that works, great — it was just a weird, one-off event. If that doesn’t work, then I don’t see how you have anything to lose by confronting him with it. Sure, “play dumb” in the sense that next time you’re rooting around in the bathroom, bring it out and be like “lol what is this?” That’ll at least give him the chance to open up about it.
If instead he gets defensive or mad at you for snooping (seriously though, who hides sex toys in places people are likely to find them?), then you know he has more issues than you or I can solve. I would take that as your cue to exit the relationship. Better that than to have a fight over it when he’s hiding in the bathroom pounding his fleshlight instead of you.
Dear Head Pro,
I have been dating the same guy for a while now, in fact, our one year anniversary is at the end of this month. We go to the same college, but we were long distance over the summer because he had a job in Boston while I somehow managed to snag one in New York. We've always had a really good relationship. We can talk to each other about anything, and we've always been pretty inseparable. I'm not talking like one of those annoying couples who are attached at the hip, but it used to be pretty rare that we would ever go more than a day or two without hanging out (excluding our long distance period this last summer, obviously). But, since returning to school, he's been super distant and borderline sketchy.
We hang out maybe once a week at the most, and I'm always the one to make the plans or ask him to hang out, or else I'll only see him on the weekends when we go out with our friends and he needs a place to crash after. I feel so unbetchy constantly being the one to make the effort, but if I don't, I'm pretty sure we would never see each other. I confronted him a couple weeks ago, and he apologized and said he “didn't even realize” and would try to fix it, but nothing has changed. I don't want to waste anymore time being with someone if they don't want to be with me. What do you think? Is this nothing or is he just not that into me?
He's Probably Just Another SAB
I’m very sorry to tell you this, but this guy isn’t your boyfriend, and you can’t have an “anniversary” with someone who’s not your boyfriend. I mean, I go to the same bar all the time, but they don’t buy me dinner in celebration of the first time they began ruining my liver. College is a prime breeding ground for relationships of convenience. I’m here, you’re here, we don’t hate each other and finding new people to fuck is a lot harder than the movies make it out to be. It’s kind of like what happens to “couples” who shack up for spring break, only if you’re doing college correctly, every semester is like spring break.
The fact that you’re even calling this your anniversary leads me to believe that you had some kind of DTR (otherwise you’re just VERY delusional), in which case it’s very possible he’s just over it. Guys are breathlessly talented when it comes to deflecting a woman’s concerns, so don’t buy his claims of ignorance — he knows damn well he’s been avoiding you. At this point, there’s nothing you can do. You addressed it directly, and he basically blew you off. It might be tough to swallow, but you’re going to have to entertain the idea that this was never what you thought it was, or at least isn’t anymore.
It’s Definitely Not Nothing, Unlike Your Relationship,