Dear Head Pro,
Apologies in advance for this nonsensical email but I’m a bit of a nutcase currently. I have a problem where I continually get ghosted by guys from the apps (hinge, tinder, bumble, etc.) Sometimes, I attributed this to maybe not waiting long enough to sleep with them and jumping in the sack too quickly. However, there have been cases where I waited to sleep with the guy–or didn’t even sleep with them at all–and they still just disappeared. They do this even after mentioning future plans they want to do with me, or how much they want me to meet their friends.
Most recently, I had a great hinge date. Against my better judgement, I slept with him a couple days later. During the course of the aforementioned night, he told me that he “really liked me and didn’t typically like people that quickly,” and the morning was great and fun. I then didn’t hear from him for a week and then texted him some offhand comments and while he was very cordial, he didn’t make any attempt to try and organize plans.
I wish there was some way I could go back to all of these people and ask “is there something that I said or did to make you want to not see me again?” My question is–is this most likely a me problem? I’m a nice cute girl with lots of friends who (definitely) was overeager in my younger days but I think I’ve moved on. Or am I just a victim to the craziness that is the app world? And most importantly-is there anything you think that I can do to avoid this issue or is getting consistently ghosted just part of dating today? I’m 25 and haven’t had a serious relationship in years and am starting to get slightly concerned.
My vibrator is probably ghosting me next
Dear Make Sure You Have Extra Batteries,
I really, really wish that could kill the “don’t fuck him too soon or he won’t stay!” because it makes no fucking sense whatsoever. I cover this more in-depth in our upcoming book, but the basic gist is that guys who ghost after sleeping with you weren’t going to hang around long regardless — as you found, with the guys you didn’t sleep with but still bounced. The sex thing is totally misunderstood. It’s easier, I think, to think of it like those scumbags who tried to get you to sign up for credit cards with a 4,000% APR on your college campus. You have no intention of ever opening a credit card, but if they’re offering free sunglasses, what’s it hurt to take them?
Instead of sex, there are a few other possibilities that may explain why you seem to have so much trouble keeping the guys you meet on dating apps:
– You’re just not finding the right people. This is, in essence, the single biggest problem with dating. There are lots of dudes out there, which is great, but you’re just not going to like many of them. Consider that not all that many of them are going to like you, either, and you see why finding people you’re compatible with is hard. Apps may be the easiest way to expose yourself to guys since Mardi Gras, but it just means more bullshit to wade through.
– Speaking of apps, they’re a shitty way to make any kind of meaningful connection, and not because people who use them are “just trying to hook up” (though that can be an issue). People, in general, have no sense of obligation to people they’re not invested in, and texting through an app isn’t the best way to cultivate that investment. You’re better off with a by-God dating site, like Match, where you can take the time to email and get to know each other a bit before you meet up IRL.
– You’re misrepresenting yourself. Obviously, using pictures of yourself taken when W was still in office is a bad idea, but once again the apps themselves don’t help. Creatively transcribing your essence to fit on a phone screen is very, very difficult. A guy may swipe right because he keyed in on one or two bullet points, but the whole package may not be what he thought he was getting.
– You’re bizarre and undateable. I mean, this is the least-likely scenario, but it could be true. I don’t know. I don’t know your life.
If you’re going to stick to apps like Tinder and Hinge, you’re just going to have to resign yourself to the fact that it’s rarely going to work out. Sleep with people or not, it doesn’t matter, but consider holding off if it’s better for your sanity. Otherwise, you have to go into it with the outlook that it’s just something fun to do that will *occasionally* lead to something more — not unlike an orgy, now that I think of it.
Dear Head Pro,
My boyfriend is a sports reporter with a major league team in LA. Last night he brought me to a prestigious, high-profile black tie event at the Dolby theater (that mall where the Oscars are) where one of his team’s players was the main honoree. Awards shows suck even more in person, so I wanted to be drunk yet still charming and social. Achieved on the drunk, failed on the social.
We had to rush and get ready, I was stressed, took an Ativan, had a few glasses of rose’, showered, threw on a jumpsuit and a smoky eye in an hour, was feeling okay. During the red carpet I only had 30 minutes at the bar pre-ceremony so I downed two double gin and tonics and three glasses of champ.
I passed out on his shoulder the second we sat down and could not be revived. I snored. We were in the third row. Every presenter and honoree could clearly see. We were sitting (slumping) with his boss, boss’ boss, prestigious player, and the player’s parents. After the ceremony I introduced myself to these people I’d already met, couldn’t stand or slur, demanded on going to the after party alone, and threw a drink off a third-floor balcony onto Hollywood Blvd when he told me to stop drinking.
I apologized to him over and over again, promised unlimited BJ’s and asked him to apologize to everyone on my behalf. He says they’ll give him shit at work forever.
Anything else I can do here? Apologize again when I see them again? Send a DM and make a Sarkisian joke? Think Taylor Swift solutions. Or laugh it off like it never happened?
PTFO in Public
HAHAHAHA, that’s funny. Not, like, in a mean way, but that’s objectively funny. I looked up Ativan, and you’d have to be batshit to take one of those before drinking. IT’S USED TO HELP TREAT INSOMNIA! I hope you learned a valuable lesson about mixing drugs and alcohol. I’m sure Mike Trout or whoever the fuck was very disappointed in you, if Mike Trout wasn’t a baseball robot incapable of emotion.
Anyway, this is something that’s just a reality of being a young person who drinks, albeit usually not in such a high-profile situation. It’s obviously not the end of the world; your boyfriend didn’t lose his job and you didn’t barf on Clayton Kershaw, but it’s embarrassing even though everyone’s been there. The best thing you can do is let time do it’s job and lay low for a while, avoiding any such events for the next several months. After that, it’s up to you to show up to one of these things (sober) and conduct yourself in a manner unlike that of a teenager who just found the keys to her parents’ liquor cabinet. Once they don’t have a reason to believe that you’re a shitshow waiting to happen, their buttholes will un-pucker and the joke will lose its punch.
You’ll be fine as long as you try to be a little less selfish when the situation calls for it. If you have to be bombed to tolerate something, that’s a sign you should probably skip it. It should be you apologizing to your boyfriend’s coworkers on HIS behalf, after all, not the other way around.