‘Scream Queens’ Recap: Feeling Alive

Author’s Note: If you actually watch this show and read the recaps on a regular basis (thanks btw), you already know how last night’s episode went for me. I will accept condolences in the form of alcohol and alcohol only. If not, please still send me alcohol. It really aids in the creative process.

I need alcohol

For those that can’t be bothered to remember two weeks back, our last episode ended with the Green Meanie (literally the worst villain name of all time) murdering Chanel #5’s lumpy boyfriend on the operating table. We open this week with all the Chanels trying to cover up this murder when Dean Munsch stumbles upon them.

She skips right over the blame portion of the conversation and moves directly to body disposal, ultimately deciding to dump Tyler in the glowing swamp behind the hospital that nobody has really addressed yet. Munsch tells everyone to keep their mouths shut while she tries to figure out who their new murderer is, as if this particular group of people doesn’t understand serial killer protocol.

Meanwhile, Chad’s friend wakes up Jumping Frenchman free, which means that this godforsaken hospital has finally succeed in curing someone. Naturally, the Green Meanie shows up mere seconds later to slaughter him.

Munsch and the Chanels head back to visit Hester in her crazy cage in the hopes of getting some information about their situation. Crazy as ever, Hester tells them that the clues are all right in front of them, which is annoying but probably also true. She refuses to divulge any real info until her demands are met: a transfer to CURE, a room with a view, and now a timeshare in Cabo San Lucas. Still think she’s aiming kind of low but whatever.

The only clue they manage to get out of Hester is the tip that Chanel should start using Esrun Cream on her dry skin. This is obviously hinting at something because every inch of Emma Roberts’ miniscule body is perfect. Before they can get any more out of her, Munsch receives a text from Chad claiming to have cracked the case. We all know he hasn’t but watching him explain his thought process will probably be the best two minutes of this entire episode.

After their squash debacle last week, Chad blames Dr. Brock and his serial killer hand transplant for the murder of Tyler and every other cured patient at the hospital. This leads to another thinly veiled pissing contest between Brock and Chad for Chanel’s affection, but before a full “sperm off” can take place, she shuts them down and chooses the best option in the room: herself.

you can all suck it

Munsch is slightly moved by Chad’s evidence and offers a compromise. Dr. Brock can stay at the hospital as long as he gets a new hand from a less psychopathic donor. She throws this out as if hand transplant surgery isn’t an incredibly devastating procedure, to a surgeon no less.

The patient this episode suffers from random and violent orgasms, which was literally a plotline from Grey’s Anatomy but it’s fine. Dr. Lautner prescribes a fuck ton of anti-depressants, which has to be the most rational approach to medicine yet on this show.

This new case leads Chanel #3 to reveal some truly horrifying information: she’s never had an orgasm. She and Dr. Cassidy bond over this, Hamilton, and her general lack of emotion for anything. All the sharing inspires Taylor Lautner offer up his own deep secrets… he’s dead.

I see dead people

After a lacrosse rager in high school, Cassidy thinks he died from choking on his own vomit. He woke up stone cold and has been that way ever since. Even though he is obviously alive, Cassidy’s firm beliefs otherwise are what lead to his career in medicine, and specifically to his position at a hospital for the incurable. But now he’s decided that in order to truly pass on he must accomplish one last great task: making Chanel #3 feel alive again.


Through a stimulating game of Scrabble, Zayday figures out that Esuran Cream is an anagram for Nurse. This leads Munsch, Denise and the Chanels to a mansion in the middle of the Everglades (gag) in search of Lynn Johnstone, a male nurse who started some kind of skin cream company that is actually just repurposed Jergen’s.

Lynn worked at the 80’s murder hospital but managed to survive the Halloween massacre because he was in the bathroom for an extended period of time. He was paid $5 million to sign an NDA, which he immediately ignores as he proceeds to tell everyone the story of the pregnant woman, her dead husband, and the Halloween murders that ensued after his untimely death and drop into the glowing swamp.

Two weeks ago Lynn started receiving threatening phone calls from a distorted voice that he’s decided is obviously a woman. The caller said that they will start to kill again, and soon. Lynn thinks that the murderer is the pregnant wife out for revenge, and while I made the same prediction two weeks ago I’m going to have to rescind it for now being the obvious choice.

While Musch seems happy with their working theory, Denise has a few misgivings. Why start the murders up again if the killer had already taken revenge back in 1986? Munsch thinks it was the son of the pregnant woman, who would be 30 today. This leaves them with three suspects: Cassidy, Chamberlain and Chad, who was held back in second grade for eight consecutive years. My son.

Our eyes are graced with another nude locker room scene between Chad and John Stamos. Chad offers up some vital info to Dr. Brock, the most important being that their dicks are the same size and Chad will be performing his hand surgery.

However, due to Dr. Brock being over 30 years old, he is no longer a suspect and doesn’t have to go through with Chad’s janky and anesthesia-free hand transplant. Just to really piss Chad off, Dr. Brock decides he’s going to propose to Chanel to win this battle once and for all. Then he threatens Chad in a manner that was way darker than the situation called for, which makes me nervous for the safety of the single best character on this show.

In an attempt to figure out what happened to their orgasm patient, Dr. Cassidy and Chanel #3 devise a logical investigative plan. It’s like these two are the only functional medical team in this hospital or something.

#3 has to perform the same questionable yoga poses that the patient was performing when her condition started, while Dr. Cassidy examines her body. It’s rife with sexual tension but also leads to a legitimate diagnosis, a rational cure and actual sparks flying between Cassidy and #3.

Mere seconds after finishing surgery on their patient, Taylor Lautner and #3 start making out in the OR. It’s a sterile environment, but okay. This leads to a steamy bedroom scene in which #3 picks apart Cassidy’s entire sexy time playlist, the most accurate depiction of sex I’ve ever seen on television. Despite his best efforts and terrible song choices, #3 just isn’t down to bang an ice cold human. Cassidy finally sets the record straight on this death diagnosis by taking his temperature for proof, which turns out to be an outrageous 61 degrees. I’m sure there’s some insane reason behind this, but right now I’m just confused and annoyed by the Twilight-era flashbacks I suffered in that tender moment.

eye roll

Chanel’s outfit is so fucking on point during her heartfelt walk with Chad that I am once gain immediately filled with irrational jealousy that I wasn’t born Julia Robert’s niece. All distractions are immediately forgotten as, with mariachi band in tow, Chad proposes to Chanel in the most romantic way he can muster: presenting her with a prenup. Dr. Brock is watching from a child’s birthday party across the park, in an ominous way that certainly makes it look like Chad is in danger. If a single golden hair on his head is injured, I will go full Ryan Murphy on Ryan Myrphy.

In a super strange turn of events, Chad asks Brock to be his best man, mostly because he has cold feet and needs help being kept on track. While I personally refuse to believe that after spending even a second in the Dicky Dollar Scholars Chad doesn’t know how to tie a bow tie, their scene is moderately touching. Chad cares so much about Chanel that he doesn’t want to ruin the best day of her life by running out on her. Brock agrees and then promises to bang Chanel the second they break up. A true gentleman’s agreement.

Just as their first truly successful patient is about to be discharged by Zayday and Chamberlian, the Green Meanie shows up and chops her head off in broad daylight. Then he stabs Chamberlain in the chest and taunts Zayday before running away. As someone with more than enough experience with serial killers, you think Zayday would attempt to apprehend the killer in some way. Instead she just yells at him and watches as he runs off, which leads Chamberlain to asks the very necessary and pressing question of “what the actual fuck.”

After this third run-in with a very obvious serial killer, Zayday and Denise have Hester transferred to the basement of CURE. Despite Denise’s lasting suspicions about Zayday, she demands that Hester reveal the identity of the Green Meaning before he kills again. Hester cackles for about 45 minutes before telling them it’s too late. I have a terrible feeling about this.

Onto more important things: the wedding of the century. Chanel invites #3 and Zayday to be her bridesmaids and #5 to be her doggy ring bearer. Naturally. The big day is planned for the tomorrow because Chanel has the very real concern that Chad will forget about it otherwise.

The actual ceremony is shockingly cliché and unattended considering who the bride and groom are. Chanel walks down the aisle before Chad even arrives, and every second that we wait in anticipation adds more anxiety to my heart. Because yes, Chad does eventually arrive to his wedding, but only because his DEAD BODY CRASHES THROUGH THE CEILING.HE’S DEAD. THE SOLE REASON TO CONTINUE WATCHING THIS SHOW IS DEAD. FUCK YOU RYAN MURPHY. FUCK. YOU.

Our only hope now is that Chad is actually on the Green Meanie team and this is just a ploy to throw everyone off his scent. If not, why even bother renewing for season three.


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