Scream Queens Recap: Sleepovers Fucking Suck

If you start every episode of this show praying that Chad Radwell will have more than a 30 second appearance, I have good news. This is an episode chock full of Chad, and therefore joy and laughter as well. My roommate walked in while I was watching and asked why I was smiling at the TV, at which point I had to pause so that I could explain to her that the 42 minutes I get to spend every Tuesday watching Glen Powell be a heartwarming piece of shit is the only time I feel joy on a weekday.

If you didn’t watch this week’s episode and solely rely on my recaps to keep you up to date I have two things to say to you:

1.       That’s like, really sweet

2.       Stop fucking reading and go watch because nothing I ever do, say, or write will amount to 1% of the perfection that is watching Chad Radwell do it

The episode picks up right where the last one left off: Kappa Kappa Tau presidential elections. Despite the fact that No. 3 can rattle off random bylaws like Rain Man, no one has pointed out that pledges probably definitely can’t run for president.  Candle Vlogger is assigned the harrowing job of counting the grand total of eight votes and the results are in. It’s a tie, which according to Kappa’s inexplicable bylaws means that both Zayday and Chanel will act as co-presidents. 

Chanel throws a hissy fit and blames the entire thing on everyone but mostly No. 5, who she hates. Same. In a moment of crossover epiphany I realized that No. 5 is basically Bonnie from How to Get Away with Murder, meaning she will continue to sacrifice herself for Chanel until the moment that she kidnaps her, cuts off all her skin, and wears it to her birthday. That should be a fun episode.

No. 3 and 5 go check on Chanel after her breakdown to find her laughing away in the closet that I only sometimes have wet dreams about. Turns out that Chanel herself voted for Zayday in an attempt to throw the election, because if binge watching A&E Mafia dramas has taught her anything it’s that the leader always dies in times of war. And make no mistake, Kappa is at war; an incredibly one-sided war that they are left to fight completely on their own with zero help from campus administration or local police, but a war nonetheless.

Zayday decides that her first act as president will be to throw a mandatory lock-in sleepover. If this were a real sorority, it would also be her last act as president. Literally every night is a sleepover, all eight of you live in a 15,000 square foot mansion by yourselves. Zayday’s logic is that a sleepover always results in two things:

1.       Experimentation

2.       Secrets getting spilled

I don’t know what the fuck goes down at Oakland sleepovers, but mine were always more of a Lord of the Flies experience in which factions were formed, ruthless war was waged over the course of twelve hours, and when everyone woke up they were friends again. Ah, youth.

No. 3 is in full support of a sleepover because she falls in category number one: girls who are going to drink two wine coolers and then suggest casual make outs with their friends in order to confront their burgeoning sexuality. Everyone had that friend.

Across campus the Dicky Dollar Scholars are raging with an incredible canned soup chug performance by the armless Caufield. No one, including his twin brother, seems to be phased that Dodger died all of an hour ago. Earl Grey interrupts the festivities to hold an intervention for Chad Radwell, whose constant cougar chasing is beginning to alarm the rest of the Dickies. My goal in life is to be as unapologetic about anything as Chad is about fucking middle aged women. He finally admits that his dalliances may be tarnishing the hallowed DDS reputation, and vows to recommit himself to only banging hot, popular girls. To celebrate, the Dickies decide to crash the Kappa sleepover. Having the two groups most likely to be murdered congregate under the same roof is a recipe for disaster and I am ready for it.

The Dickies’ mass migration over to Kappa happens just in the nick of time, because the girls have discovered that they have been locked inside the house. Chanel had the entire house turned into one giant panic room, just without the very necessary disable button. Suspiciously enough, no one knew about this but Chanel and yet the Red Devil has managed to activate the panic house and now everyone is trapped.

Luckily for the Kappas and all of our viewing pleasure, Chad arrives to save the day. He and the three remaining Dickies (Roger, Early Grey, and Caulfield) are going to break through a second story window which isn’t bomb proof because bombs don’t fall from the sky. Fucking duh.

Despite overcoming extreme adversity, Caulfield can’t seem to catch a break and is only a few rungs up on the ladder when the Red Devil arrives. He is rewarded for his perseverance by getting decapitated with an axe, which seems like an even shittier option than the chainsaw.

Now stuck together inside the house, the group decides that the only way to honor the very recent death of Caulfield (but not Dodger because the consensus is that he fucking sucked) is to play truth or dare. The rules are broken down not one, but three times. It is unanimously decided that choosing dare makes you automatically guilty and therefore everyone has to choose truth. Chad has a near mental breakdown when Candle Vlogger suggests choosing truth and then lying, because he is an honest man of simple pleasures and his world is very black and white.

Cheat on your girlfriend with every living organism on campus with a vagina? Allowable. Lying during truth or dare when the rules are VERY CLEARLY stated in the name of the goddamn game? You’re a fucking monster, Candle Vlogger honestly just leave. 

When confronted with her feelings for No. 3, Predatory Lez (turns out her name is Sam? Who knew?) spills the Charles Manson secret that she swore to never tell. No. 3 is pissed enough to take back all of the feelings she’d been harboring for Sam and dare her to sit in the cursed bathtub in the basement for the rest of the night, effectively killing her off the show.  The Red Devil shows up and instantly suffocates Sam, but not before revealing his identity. Sam is like, “Oh, I totally knew it was you,” which is what everyone says anytime there’s a big reveal so I don’t even believe her.

Upstairs, Hester is attempting to seduce Chad and it speaks volumes to how fucking crazy she is that even he opts out. Needless to say, she doesn’t take it well. Chanel interrupts in the middle of Hester’s (definitely not empty) threats to pull Chad out for a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven, and somehow manages to trick him into monogamy while she’s at it. This single move should let us all know to never underestimate Chanel.

Moments later, a scream is heard from the basement. Hester has discovered Sam’s body, which everyone finds incredibly suspicious. At least until a second scream is heard from upstairs, where everyone rushed to find a dead Roger. Dickies are dropping like flies out here.

During Roger and No.5’s sessions of Seven Minutes in Heaven, the Red Devil shows up to shoot multiple nails into Roger’s face. No. 5 literally just stands there and watches as the murderer slowly creeps up on her beautiful yet brain dead boyfriend, whose last words were spent trying to teach her the clicking language that he and Dodger had spent years of their life developing. The innocence is heartbreaking until you remember he Eiffel Towered Abigail Breslin.

The group is torn on who to accuse between Hester and No. 5 until Chad points out that the night Caulfield (RIP) got his arms sawed off there were two Red Devils. Chanel aptly points out that Pete has been missing this entire time, and even Grace is like “woah yeah that’s sketch af.”

Chad finds a trap door in the back of Chanel’s closet which leads to a series of secret underground tunnels beneath Kappa. Of course. Zayday opts to go down to find help, and in a move that no one saw coming, Chanel goes with her. After a quick tour of the portraits of past presidents the two of them run into one of the Red Devils. It looks like Zayday is for sure about to die when Chanel uncharacteristically comes back to save her. They escape and alert the authorities, who have finally decided this string of gruesome murders on campus might finally be worth looking into.

Grace’s dad shows up for his obligatory “threaten to remove her from school” of the episode, and she stands her ground because she has to stay and protect her sisters. That alone wasn’t enough to convince him, but a stern talking to from Zayday was. Honestly, what kind of fucking father is this? If I’d had multiple encounters with a masked murderer at college my parents would have shown up, thrown me in a trunk, and driven to the other side of the country no questions asked. Any objections from my friends would have been met with a swift “shut the fuck up.” Also none of that would have been necessary because I would have bailed after my first attempted murder. But hey, that’s just me.

Upstairs, No. 3 and 5 are having a pity party for themselves over the fact that both their love interests were brutally murdered and neither of them really did anything to stop it. There’s a lot less guilt involved than you would think. Most important reveal of the episode: we discover that No. 5 is a legacy and suddenly EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE. The two of them vow to outlive Chanel by any means necessary, which sounds a whole lot like “Hey, let’s kill Chanel.”

Their night spent trapped together served as a bonding moment for the remaining Kappas, as any traumatic sleepover is bound to do. Chanel went out and bought them all matching nunchaku before she vowed to catch the Red Devil and make him pay. The episode ends in a carefree dance party, because if you can’t rock out mere hours after witnessing the murder of multiple friends, when can you?


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