Scream Queens Recap: Everybody Loves Chad

Chanel is in full party planning mode for her pumpkin patch to benefit black hairy tongue disease, which has yet to be explained in any manner. I watched the scene twice and all I could think of the entire time was Stefon.

This year’s hottest pumpkin patch is called MURDER and it has EVERYTHING: artisanal pumpkins, tiny ice covered midgets that pee red bull vodkas, an exact replica of the maze from the shining and TWO Fergies.

Number 5 has the unfortunate task of telling Chanel she couldn’t follow through on her job (reuniting a partially dead Led Zeppelin to play at the pumpkin patch) and gets absolutely torn apart for it. If Abigail Breslin has made your skin crawl all season long, this is the episode for you as she spends a good half of it getting shit on by Chanel.

While it’s been pretty obvious all season that she’s one incorrectly made Starbucks shy of a mental breakdown, I never thought the final straw for 5 would be because of Mary Todd Lincoln. But when Chanel decrees that 5 will have to dress up as crazy old MTL for the group “assassinated presidents’ wives” costumes, she fucking loses it and hands in her furs. Supposedly she is no longer a Chanel and Hester can’t even pretend to control her raging boner about being one step closer to the number one spot.

Munsch gathers up the Dicky Dollar Scholars and Kappas because they are clearly the main two groups being targeted in this murder spree. Grace and Earl Grey remain the only two people in the room who are concerned about the whereabouts of Zayday, including school administration. The Dean has another reason for bringing them all together: to announce that she is finally going to be closing the campus. Not even Jamie Lee Curtis can come back from a student run haunted house full of literal dead bodies.

The entire room collectively flips the fuck out because closing school means missing out on Halloween, which as everyone knows is one of the greatest drinking weekends of the college school year. No one is managing to coherently convey this clearly vital point until our Lord and Savior Chad Radwell steps in with the most inspiring speech to grace television screens since Braveheart.

“Are we going to deny ourselves the sluttiest night out of the whole year because of fear? There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and in this case a serial murderer.” – Chad Radwell, 0 AC (After Chad)

Officially submitting my nomination for Radwell 2016.; it would still be a better option than Trump. Even Caufield, the armless Dicky Dollar Scholar, is alive and ready to fucking rage, serial killer be damned. Not all heroes wear capes. Or in this case, sleeves.

Unmoved by the gravity of the issue at hand, Munsch decides to still cancel Halloween. Doing what she does best, Chanel puts her own interests above the safety of others and the law by moving her pumpkin patch to 12:01 on November 1st, thus skirting the Halloween curfew. The best part about this black hairy tongue pumpkin patch benefit is that Chanel thinks that holding it will somehow solidify her status as Kappa president to the seven other girls in Kappa who watched her straight up fry the face off of someone.

After the meeting, Abigail Breslin is cooking toe nail cookies in the Kappa kitchen for the neighborhood children. How rude of them to film her behind the scenes and then just air it like that. Hester comes in to plot the demise of Chanel, revealing herself as a switch hitter/double agent/certified fucking crazy person.

Hester and 5 enlist the help of the weird candle vlogger, who takes some time out of their deviant scheming to show off her entire wall encompassing ant farm. We couldn’t even have fish in my sorority, but there were also more than eight of us and we didn’t murder our chef so maybe my experience was a little different.

Team Batshit finally manages to convince the candle girl, whose name I’m really not bothered enough to check, to commit to their cause by outing Chanel as a blasphemous candle waster. The plan is that they all throw their votes to Zayday, thus overturning Chanel and hopefully putting them in Zayday’s cabinet. There are seven of them, which isn’t even enough to fill one exec board, but whatever.

Chanel is finally arrested for the murder of Ms. Bean while in the midst of taking a test with her on-retainer Asian. Between the box munching jokes and blatant racism, I’m starting to think that Ryan Murphy went to my high school. The Chanels and the candle girl are all dubiously standing watch outside as Chanel is driven away in the back of a cop car. It’s a pretty bold move to reveal yourself as a backstabber like that when Chanel is clearly rich enough to make bail in about six seconds.

Finally we get to see Zayday who, while alive, is being held in some Silence of the Lambs style basement complete with 80’s jams, subterranean pit, and bichon frise. Moral of the story: only sociopaths own bichons. Get a real fucking dog.

Grace is still trying to rally a search party for Zayday amongst the Kappas. You think she would have caught on by now that appealing to their emotions is absolutely futile and the only way to get shit done around here is blackmail. She leaves Kappa with Pete, upset but determined.

Famous Last Words

Grace: Let’s ask my dad for help. He is the only person in my whole life who has never let me down. (Cue laughter from disillusioned daughters around the world)

We’ll ignore the part where you accused him of lying to you your entire life and being a serial killer like a week ago, and look to the thousands of other ways your dad could be letting you down. For example, he could be boning your sorority advisor and have you walk in on it. I literally can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable then staring into the eyes of your dad while he still has post-sex hair and probably the remnants of a boner. As if Grace wasn’t already scarred enough.

In prison, Chanel is basically a slightly less annoying version of Piper Chapman. She quickly rallies a crew, head up by one of her many Instagram followers and Chanel-O-Ween fans, and swears eternal friendship to them until her bail is posted two seconds later by 3 and Predatory Lez. Chanel leaves jail with one thing in mind: destroying 5.

Munsch and Denise are having a heart to heart over (what else?) Chad Radwell. Same, ladies, same. It turns out Denise has also fucked him, along with every single female member of this cast and crew. The PA fucked Chad. Girl who holds the boom stick? Fucked Chad. Nick Jonas? Definitely fucked Chad.

Grace, Pete, Wes, and Gigi (the most uncomfortable crime solving double date of all time) barge in during the middle of Chad Talk to demand that someone actually start looking for Zayday.

Munsch: UMMMMM can everyone calm the fuck down? I made the mature decision and called Secure Security Solutions

Wes flaunts his relationship with Gigi in front of Munsch because apparently he does not fear death. Everyone on this show seems to forget the people that they accused of murder merely days before, and continue to interact with them on a semi-normal, antagonistic basis. I, for one, would not be baiting the woman that I was convinced was running an unstoppable murder train on campus.

Chanel finds 5 dressing up as Jackie Kennedy in her closet, a double capital offense. It turns out Hester and CV (Candle Vlogger) completely sold 5 out and blamed her for the entire attempted coup. If Emma Roberts’ tiny bird-like hand were capable of physical harm (sorry, Evan Peters) this would have been the moment that she purposely committed murder.

Instead she offers 5 an ultimatum: go set up the pumpkin patch past curfew, at which point you would definitely be risking being gruesomely murdered, or Chanel will show Roger and Dodger (the Eiffel Tower Twins) a video of 5 loving herself a la Hailee Steinfeld to an episode of Dora the Explorer. Literally didn’t think she could get any more repulsive, but apparently 5 sits around jerking it to a tiny Mexican child and a monkey in boots. We get it Ryan Murphy, you’re twisted. We all saw the drill bit dildo, you can cool it. 

Grace and the rescue crew, now with Denise in tow, manage to find a map of town in their efforts to rescue Zayday. Gigi has some Indiana Jones type theory about tracking soil deposits around town and only Denise thinks to question why she knows about any of that. Eventually everyone realizes this is the fucking 21st century and they track Zayday’s phone.

On the way out Grace and her dad try to have a quick convo about Gigi’s clear mental deficiencies that

1. Gigi can hear and

2. Denise interrupts because she is forever the voice of reason on this show.

Succumbing to Chanel’s will yet again, 5 recruits the help of Roger and Dodger to light all of the jack-o-lanterns at the pumpkin patch. As far as set up for sorority functions go, this seems pretty fucking tame. I’d rather take my chances with a serial killer than spend another minute of my life staple-gunning twinkle lights into every inch of an unstable ceiling.

As everyone knew would happen, the Red Devil appears and the three of them run into The Shining Maze to hide. The biggest takeaway from this entire scene is that Roger and Dodger are terrible actors, but they’re also male models so we’re all just going to ignore it.

The twins stop in the midst of their mad dash for safety to make 5 choose between them once and for all. You know what they say: When you spit roast a girl with your twin brother you run the risk of falling madly in love with her, even if she’s Abigail Breslin. This is definitely something people say. I heard it from a Beta at Louisville.

Roger wins 5’s heart and they break off on their own, because I guess Dodger prefers death to rejection. Same. Perhaps as a result of his heartbreak, or just overwhelming idiocy, Dodger is brutally killed by the red devil before he can escape the maze. Moment of silence for all of the Eiffel Towering he’ll never get to accomplish.

Team Rescue arrives at the cellar they tracked Zayday’s phone to and Grace, who constantly claims to be the rational one on this show, instantly opts to split up. She heads out with her Dad and Pete and the three of them walk right into the killer’s lair, which has a table set with wine and Oakland Nachos, Zayday’s fave snack. Pretty sure it’s just chips covered in BBQ sauce, but I’m not one to judge other’s choices in junk food because I have spent a significant portion of my drunken nights in a Taco Bell drive-thru. The hole in the ground that Zayday previously occupied is empty.

Denise and Gigi, the definitely less fairly stacked team, stumble upon a Dexter-esque murder lab. The lights go out right away and the Red Devil appears. Denise tases Gigi and then Gigi tases the Red Devil, at which point Denise inexplicably decides it’s a good idea to leave her by herself while she grabs the others. Of course by the time everyone makes it back, the Red Devil is gone.

Wes remembers that he’s supposed to be a competent adult and calls the police while Gigi and Grace overcome the obstacles in their relationship. It’s a big, happy family moment until Denise points out that Zayday is gone and conveniently so is the Red Devil.

Back at Kappa, Chanel is trying to rig voting while her opposition is otherwise occupied (i.e. kidnapped). Number 5, who just escaped murder and suffered through the death of one of her boyfriends, is there to support Chanel, who she hates. The relationships in this sorority are almost as convoluted and backhanded as real life ones.

Just in time to thwart Chanel’s plan, Zayday shows up and regales the entire house minus Grace (again, six of them), with the story of what she’s been through in the time that she was missing and no one was searching for her.

The Red Devil treated her very well despite sticking her in a pit in the ground. He gave her gifts and even hosted a Phantom of the Opera style dinner complete with Oakland Nachos. Grace shows up to back up her story despite only seeing some circumstantial evidence, and voting is put off until the next episode.

Across campus, we get a big reveal: Gigi is not only in #CAHOOTS with the Red Devil, but she appears to be running the show. She chastises one of them for the behavior of the other, presumably the one she had to tase, and tells him that he “has to go.” I think the lesson we can all learn from this is never trust anyone who wears acid wash mom jeans outside of a themed event.


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