The entirety of this episode takes place on Kappa’s last night before campus is closed: a time at which, as Denise aptly points out, they are all most likely to be murdered. In order to distract themselves from the very real possibility of death, newly self-appointed house mother Denise, still clad in 5’s wardrobe, gathers the Chanels around for some ghost stories. Most of the stories are Japanese urban legends, but some you may recognize from elementary school sleepovers when everyone tried to torment the one girl no one liked into crying and inevitably going home.
Chanel is too busy to worry about getting murdered because she has something far more important to focus on: her impending Thanksgiving weekend at the Radwell Family Compound in the Hamptons. She received the coveted silver wishbone from Chad, which is so much more than a promise of a day full of mashed potatoes and wine that costs more than your rent. Every Radwell girlfriend to receive the silver wishbone has been engaged by Christmas, which means that Kappa has succeeded in its single purpose: making Chanel popular enough to secure a hot, rich boyfriend before she graduates. Shout out to the one girlfriend who didn’t receive a wishbone and thus proceeded to crash Thanksgiving and then kill herself on the compound. I too become crazed, violent, and suicidal when people don’t invite me to things
The ghost stories are extra appropriate because 3 is convinced she’s living a real life one: the haunted tale of ghost Boone, who has come back to get revenge on her for not letting him gay rush Kappa. In reality, Boone was waltzing around campus in his Joaquin Phoenix disguise when his beard fell off, but he rolled with the ghost theory because realistically only three characters on this show are smart enough to see any fault in that logic.
Case in point: Ghost Boone heads straight back to the Dicky Dollar house for a beautiful reunion with his best bud Chad, who doesn’t even question Boone’s sudden reappearance. To be fair, he was super focused on vacuum packing every individual pair of underwear for his trip home. Chad majored in luggage science with an emphasis in packing theory, which is probably still more beneficial than that sociology degree you got.
Boone lets Chad in on his master plan: seduce and then sleep with Zayday, which will allow him to leave his ghostly form and come back to life. Sure. The only flaw Chad finds in this foolproof plan is that Zayday is dating Earl Grey, the one character on this show who can compete with Nick Jonas in the looks department. Plus that accent, my God. Boone is not terribly concerned with his hurdle, possibly because he’s spent the last seven episodes murdering people and that really puts minor inconveniences in perspective for you. Problem solved: Boone dons the Red Devil outfit and kills Earl Grey outside of Kappa, who was returning with his silk robe, champagne, and assorted oils so that he could make sweet, sweet love to Zayday.
The next person to rudely interrupt Chad’s meticulous packing project is Hester, clad in a freshly bedazzled neck brace because her spine was collapsing. She’s a smidge upset that Chanel got invited to Thanksgiving over her, and demands an explanation. Chad comes in clutch with a bulleted list of reasons she would never receive an invite to the Radwell Compound, citing such reasons as her poo belly, cheeseburger breath, and most important, the fact that she’s poor. Hester leaves with an incredibly ominous “we’ll see,” at which point Chad clearly regrets hooking up with a girl who knows a frightening amount about corpse disposal.
Back at Kappa, in a turn of events that everyone saw coming, all the ghost stories from earlier in the night are coming true. Most notable, on her mad dash out of town 5 reenacts the “Meat Hook Murderer,” which is the story where a crazed killer hides in the back of some young girl’s car and every time he pops up to murder her a trucker flashes his high beams and honks to warn the unsuspecting driver. To literally the entire world’s disappointment, 5 makes it back to Kappa unscathed where Chanel (as always) speaks everyone’s mind: “If you’re going to get attacked, please do it in a fresh and exciting way.”
Upstairs, Ghost Boone has scaled the walls and hopped into Zayday’s room armed with flowers and Chad’s date shirt. Neither are enough to seduce Zayday, who instantly recognizes the very obvious fact that Boone is alive. Grace barges in at that very moment without knocking (classic) and as per usual voices what everyone kind of already figured out: if Boone is alive it means he faked his death, which probably means he’s in #CAHOOTS with the Red Devil team. Before they can apprehend him Boone tumbles out of the second story window and mysteriously disappears.
Grace and Zayday run downstairs to alert everyone else that Boone is alive and in the house, but Hester has a far more important announcement: she is pregnant with Chad’s baby. I’m honestly shocked that Chanel didn’t just fly across the room and rip her heart out Mortal Kombat style, but fear not, her time will come. Instead she goes straight to Chad, who is just trying to pack for this goddamn trip and can’t get a moment’s peace.
This scene is probably the most sincere and human we’ve ever seen Chad or Chanel, who are both distraught at the news of the pregnancy. That is, until Chad tells Chanel that he’s going to have to marry Hester, genetic deficiencies be damned, because Radwell’s make their beds and then lie on them. Finally, Chanel loses her shit like the time bomb we’ve all been waiting for and straight up threatens to kill Chad. It wasn’t even thinly veiled. In a show whose plot is mostly comprised of extreme overreactions, this seems not only expected but almost valid.
But it seems that Chanel has managed to re-prioritize on her walk back to Kappa and enlists the help of 3 and 5, who she was sworn lifelong sisterhood to, to kill Hester. I would prefer that she off 5 but I guess beggars can’t be choosers. After tricking 6 into eating a bunch of foods that are absolutely off limits for pregnant women (as if pregnancy wasn’t already miserable enough) Chanel gets her to admit that she isn’t really pregnant. But apparently, because Chad has already purchased her plane ticket to The Hamptons, their marriage is set in stone. We’ll ignore the fact that both Chad and Chanel are filthy rich and could easily buy a new ticket, change the current one, or charter their own fucking planes, and follow this string of logic.
Seeing no other way out of this mess (when in fact there are 1000 other ways out), Chanel pushes 6 down the stairs, which results in the breaking of her already incredibly fragile neck. True to form, 3 stares on completely unphased while 5 has a high-pitched break down. Chanel isn’t even remotely apologetic, declaring this the newest house ghost story about what happens when “hog-faced bitches try to steal hotter Kappa’s boyfriends.” A similar event happened in my sorority and I can tell you from experience that this course of events is not all that far off the mark of accuracy. Moral: don’t fuck with crazy, hot seniors. They’ll ruin you.
Across town, Boone is pacing in a hotel room that he rented for his failed seduction of Zayday. Honestly, Nick Jonas could murder someone in front of me and I would probably still be down, but whatever. He’s describing his romantic endeavors to the other Red Devil, who showed up for their “let’s murder Gigi” meeting in costume. Gigi shows up and begins to lecture Boone for singlehandedly almost ruining a plan that has been twenty years in the making, all for the sake of a crush. At this point it is becoming increasingly clear that Boone is not actually gay, which poses the question why he would pretend to be, seeing as how it was such a sensitive subject amongst the Dicky Dollar Scholars.
In the way that serial killers do when they begin to unravel, Boone is outlining everything he’s ever done for the murder cause. He confirms that he is in fact one part of the bathtub baby twins, and has dedicated his entire life preparing for this scheme, going so far as to train his heart rate to slow down and fake being gay. Again, the gay thing seemed really unnecessary, but he probably saw Chad and was like YEAH I MEAN I GUESS I COULD PRETEND TO BE GAY, NO BIG.
His emotional and tension building tirade ends with him accusing Gigi of always trying to be the mother he lost, and failing, at which point it looks like the other red devil (and his sister) is going to stab her. Plot twist: the twin stabs Boone, at which point Gigi is like “Oh thank God, that could have gone so much worse.” The two of them move on to continue plotting as poor angel Boone bleeds out, presumably actually dead this time. In that moment, we all shed a single tear.
While we may have lost two incredibly attractive cast members tonight, there are great things on the horizon. Due to Hester’s death, it is clear that Chanel will be making her way to the Hamptons for Thanksgiving with Chad’s family, which can only mean one thing. Gird your loins, ladies; Brad Radwell is coming.