Blackout Friday: Scream Queens Recap

We may all have our own personal issues with Ryan Murphy (like season 3-6 of Glee), but I would like to personally thank him for using almost 40 straight minutes of his primetime television slot to shit on Black Friday and everything it stands for.  Based on the promo for last week I was worried that this show would take a Pro-Black Friday stance, but I should have known that light of my life Chanel Oberlin wouldn’t do me like that. Instead, she once again says what the rest of us are thinking and uses the occasion to mock those who camp outside of Best Buy for 48 hours so that they can compete in a real life Hunger Games over some fucking Beats.

The two people who appear to be most affected by Gigi’s decapitation are, shockingly enough, Zayday and Munsch, and that’s mostly because they were totally into the smell of her roasted head. Everyone else couldn’t give less of a shit. Even her BOYFRIEND is like “meh that kinda sucked but overall not my worst Thanksgiving.”

Chanel and company decide to hit up the mall for Black Friday despite an attempted grounding by Dean Munsch. I didn’t tolerate grounding when I was 12 so anyone attempting at 22 would get a derisive laugh to the face, which is exactly how Chanel handles the situation. Kindred spirits, yet again.

Meanwhile, Grace and Pete feat. awkward third wheel Wes head to the police station to try and get someone to show up and look into the fact that Gigi’s head was just served on a platter to all of them at dinner. However, upon arrival they discover that the entire homicide division has been fired because they have yet to solve a single homicide this season. Detective Chisholm can offer them his interior design services, but that’s about all. If an entire childhood spent watching Trading Spaces has taught me anything, this weepy looking man would probably make a fantastic designer.

Back at the mall, the Chanels come out of their Black Friday Blackout to discover that they’ve been locked inside the mall. TBT to the episode of the OC where the greatest double date known to man occurred during a mall lock-in, thus setting an entire generation of teenage girls’ expectations astronomically high. This lock-in looked considerably less fun and ended with Chanel taking a crossbow shot to the shoulder. Realistically, if an arrow were to shoot Emma Roberts in the shoulder it would probably just rip her entire tiny body in half, but luckily Chanel’s ample fur locked in minimal damage.

The new Chief of Homicide shows up to save the day and we were all ecstatic to find out that it’s none other than Denise Hemphill. She arrives just in time to stop Chanel from getting an arrow to the forehead, but her ill-timed monologue allows the Red Devil to shoot one of her officers in the face and escape before he can be caught.

Back at Kappa, because none of these people require sleep, the girls meet up to discuss their newest plan of action: kill Dean Munsch. Surprisingly, Grace is 100% on board for this plan and sides with Chanel against Zayday. You would think, being from Oakland, that Zayday would be way more chill about being privy to various murder plots, but she puts her foot down and refuses to be a part of the plan. This doesn’t really bother anyone, because Zayday is minimal to the plot at best and really stopped being relevant once Earl Grey died.

Over at the Dicky Dollar House, Chad has convened a meeting attended only by himself and Pete, because the rest of his friends are dead. Empty chairs at empty tables, am I right? But really, all anyone talks about is how the Red Devils are targeting Kappa when literally all of the Dicky Dollar Scholars have been murdered but one. Ugh, when will society recognize the plight of the privileged white boy?

After skipping the reading of the minutes because Earl Grey is too dead to read them (a blessing in disguise because the minutes are the single worst part of any chapter meeting), Chad reveals the real reason for this gathering of two: to read Boone’s will. Pete is as confused by his presence as the rest of us until it becomes very clear that Boone has bequeathed all of his most treasured belongings to him. These include, but are not limited to: a Jonny Cash poster, a box of lube, an HBOGo password, a butt plug, and an Xbox. You know, bros just being bros.

Chad has deduced that clearly Boone and Pete were secret lovers and as any good friend would do he extends a bid to his dead gay best friend’s ex-bang buddy. Brotherhood. Pete, who we learn at this point attempted to join the Dicky Dollars before, claims that Boone was just his informant within the Greek system and rejects the bid. This was a bad call, because apparently the bylaws demand that any rejected bid results in a duel to the death, a rule that Chad plans to uphold. Pete turns down that offer as well and bails while Chad screams that he will be “murdered to death.” Ugh. Bless that man child.

Grace and Pete show up to Dean Munsch’s office with some poisoned cider under the guise of looking to her wisdom in the founding of their Wallace University Feminist Club. Because his last jab at Taylor Swift during the Chanel-o-Ween episode wasn’t enough, Ryan Murphy takes this opportunity to offer his two cents on “millennial feminism” which is built on the solid foundation of listening to T. Swizzle and being angry about the wage gap. Like, we get it Ryan, you don’t like her. Fucking chill.

With the tolerance that only a middle aged woman who is constantly surrounded by perpetual young and thin college girls possess, Munsch downs the puffer fish poisoned cider with zero negative side effects. Grace and Chanel head back to Kappa defeated, where Grace throws in the towel because her boyfriend doesn’t think she should be murdering people. Weak. The rest of the house, this time including Zayday, votes her out of Kappa for turning her back on their cause. Thank God, because there’s not enough wine in my neighborhood Trader Joes to get me through another one of her long winded speeches about sisterhood.

The Chanels and Zayday move on to their next Dean Munsch murder plot: cryogenically freeze her. There are too many flaws in this one to point out, so it’s not surprising that it doesn’t work. The woman was the original Scream Queen, you guys are going to have to try a little harder than that. At this point it’s clear that Munsch is a witch incapable of being killed, so much so that Hester’s theory about her being the next Rasputin actually starts to sound plausible.

This inspires Chanel’s next great plan: drown Munsch. She buys all the Kapps new smart phones that are totally better than their iPhones (solid product placement) so that she can let them know when to meet up at the school pool. However, they get sidetracked by #5’s hysterical meltdown at a lingerie store and miss the signal, leaving Chanel alone with Munsch, who is clearly wise to the plan. To be fair, Chanel asked her to meet up at a pool on an abandoned campus with a bag of chains so it doesn’t exactly take a Denise Hemphill to figure out the motives here. Munsch leaves after some hardcore intimidation tactics and Chanel, furious at the ineptitude of her minions, goes home to write a strongly worded letter. Same, Chanel. Same.

After being kicked out the sorority that was the entire driving purpose behind her college career, Grace heads to her dad’s where she finds him and Pete piecing together the final details of Gigi’s life. It turns out that Gigi was not the Hag of Shady Lane or the fourth girl in the bathroom; it was her sister, who ended up committing suicide of the stress and guilt of raising two twins infants that she kind of stole. Gigi’s entire scheme was motivating by avenging her sister’s death, which honestly makes her seem a little less crazy than before.

Pete leaves Grace and her dad to head back to his dorm room, where he proceeds to pack up everything he owns while he has a very suspicious sounding phone call about getting out while he still can that ends in “never call me again.” Grace shows up, vulnerable from losing all her friends, ready to have sex with Pete. Please be more of a stereotype. Pete almost concedes but then pulls back because he doesn’t want Grace’s first time “to be with a murderer.”  How romantic. But for real, any college aged boy that turns down sex is 100% a psychopath, whether or not he’s been murdering people.

Well, now I’m torn because Boone leaving everything to Pete really adds clout to my theory that he is the twin sister post sex change. But I also know Ryan Murphy, and anyone who seems like a suspect going into the season finale probably isn’t one. New theory: the second devil/ twin sister is #5. She already wants to, not secretly at all, murder everyone AND her vagina supposedly used to have teeth. If that isn’t the genesis of a serial killer, idk what is.

Next week is the season finale and it’s a whopping two hours long, so make sure you come prepared. This is a marathon, not a sprint; make sure your drinking games are sustainable past the first 15 minutes of the episode. Anything less than one bottle of wine, and honestly I don’t even know why you’re reading this recap. See ya there, betches.


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