Scream Recap: Not-So-Fun Houses

This week’s episode of Scream opens with, what else, a brooding and horror themed monologue from Noah. It’s all about how everyone is coping with Jake’s death and littered with thinly veiled allusions to not trusting the people closest to you. If Audrey actually listened to his podcast, she would definitely be nervous right now.

Emma wakes up to a call from the killer, which is so commonplace at this point that it was probably just an alarm reminding her to wake up for school. No one likes stalking a delinquent. She goes downstairs and finds Kieran, ready to apologize for turning her into the police. I’m not sure why he’s apologizing actually. Kieran seems like the only person being rational about any of this right now.

Emma: I don’t know who I can trust anymore.

Kieran: Definitely not me, but you’re going to anyways.

Next, Emma heads to Noah’s to reaffirm what their friendship was founded on: ineffectively trying to identify a murderer. Against his wishes, Emma uncovers Noah’s CSI caliber suspect board which very awkwardly points right to Audrey at the moment. Emma is vastly offended, as if any of them have the best judgement when it comes to friends. She asks why he would accuse one of their own, and he throws out a bunch of stupid reasons that aren’t the real one: her phone. She accuses him of letting the killer get in his head aka the ultimate case of the pot calling the kettle black.

Their argument is interrupted by a call from Brooke, who should probably be under 24/7 surveillance by this point. Emma goes over to her place and finds a shredded duvet and a very broken Brooke, who is dead set on her theory that Branson is the killer. Emma is wary about this, which seems a little hasty considering that the man had sex with MULTIPLE underage students. Sounds like a solid place to start an investigation.

Determined to find evidence to convince Emma, Noah tries to trail Audrey around town. This lasts for about fifteen seconds before she catches on and then beats him, the way a completely innocent person reacts to her friends following her. There’s a lot of terribly concealed terror on Noah’s part before he slips Audrey’s phone back into her bag and runs away.

He immediately heads back to Emma’s with a plan: have the desk clerk identify Audrey. If he can’t, she’s in the clear. Too bad the desk clerk is super dead and the killer is in possession of his phone. He tells Noah to meet him tonight in the funhouse at the fair. You’d think that Noah, horror buff of the group, would catch on to this obvious murder locale, but he goes along with the plan. You all deserve to die. Natural selection probably would have taken you out anyways.

Mr. Maddox goes to a bar and gets caught up with some trashy looking cougar. I think it’s Kieran’s aunt, but I’m not sure. He ends up luring her back to his mansion and conning her into finishing a job for him, presumably the one Jake started.

Brooke leaves her mourning bed to meet up with Stavo at the coffee shop in hopes that he’ll help her break into his dad’s office so she can peak into Branson’s file. All it’s going to say is GIANT PEDOPHILE, but still worth a shot I guess. Stavo instantly agrees because he clearly has the biggest boner for Brooke. While he’s busy sneaking around the precinct, we see Kieran wander into the Sheriff’s office. It would appear he’s the new unofficial informant on all things Lakewood Five. Again, probably not the worst idea given the circumstances. The Sheriff could be a little more appreciative that someone is finally working with him, but instead decides to taunt this orphaned teenager.

Acosta: Maybe if you’d actually cooperated with law enforcement, your Dad would still be alive

Kieran: First of all, uncalled for. Second of all, wholly untrue.

Stavo returns with some legit info. Turns out Branson’s alibi for the night of Jake’s murder is Ms. Lang, their psych teacher. Brooke is disgusted, as if this is the only inappropriate relationship Branson has had the entire show. Stavo turns out to be the first truly supportive man in Brooke’s life, possibly because he’s a psychopath, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Brooke: I’m getting to the fucking bottom of this.

Stavo: You do you, boo.

After Brooke leaves, Stavo confronts Audrey at the coffee shop and makes her go through his shattered iPad so that she can see what his drawings truly are: the makings of a graphic novel. They have a showdown in which they both declare the other as suspects, and honestly Audrey is pretty high and mighty for someone who was actually the accomplice at one point.

Maggie shows up while Noah and Emma are planning their foray to the fairground and shuts it the fuck down, seeing as how a kid just got murdered three days ago. Finally, some responsible parenting in this town. Will it stop them? No. But at least she actually tried this time.

Brooke arranges a meeting with Ms. Lang and deserves an Oscar for her performance. She tearfully tells Ms. Lang that she’s full of guilt because she was actually having sex with Branson the night that Jake was killed. Lang immediately gets into her car and leaves a scathing voicemail for Branson. The reason she had to leave a voicemail is because Brooke was on the other line with Branson, full porn voice, telling him how badly she needs him. They agree to meet up at the usual spot and honestly that scumbag deserves whatever harm this tiny porcelain doll actually manages to inflict on him. Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl scorned.

Brooke goes full fucking Gone Girl on Branson and ties him up in a hotel room before she starts swinging a pair of scissors around his face and asking about Jake.

When he swears he had nothing to do with Jake’s disappearance, she kicks things up by threatening to cut his dick off. It speaks volumes to how seriously deranged she appears that Branson starts to cry, so instead Brooke leaves him tied up and blindfolded and tells him to get the fuck out of town. Man, I wonder who’s going to find him in that vulnerable position. Definitely not the murderer.

Despite her mother’s very rational advice and the fact that a serial killer is actively stalking her, Emma decides to meet up with Noah at the campgrounds anyway. She only makes it about three feet down the street when she gets a flat tire. Not suspicious at all. She attempts to call Noah, who is waiting at the campgrounds alone. Naturally there’s no service in this particular corner of this miniscule town, so Noah heads in alone.

Kieran shows up and fixes Emma’s flat tire before making her promise to not go to the fairgrounds. She agrees and then waits approximately two seconds after he drives away to head directly there. The trust issues with these two, I swear. It’s almost like one of them accused the other one of being a murderer at one point.

Noah spends about thirty seconds in the funhouse before he becomes incredibly self-aware and sprints back to the car. Too bad the killer is in the backseat and chloroforms him before he can get away. If this seems out of character that’s because it totally is.

Brooke goes to see Stavo and almost walks in on his Brandon James mask selfie fest, which was very reminiscent of that scene in Silence of the Lambs, just without all the dick tucking. She cries about Jake while he hugs her and stares creepily at the box holding his mask. I still don’t think this kid is a killer, just a teenager with a weird murder fetish.

Only Noah would turn a kidnapping into discourse about horror movie genres. He wakes up tied into a fair ride with Audrey in the car behind him and immediately begins dissecting the many themes tied to their capture. Once he’s accepted that this is indeed the time for death, he starts making embarrassing admissions about topics including, but not limited to, his cat and his unrequited feelings for Audrey.

Audrey: I love you.

Audrey: Just not like that.

Audrey: Also stop admitting things because I fabricated this entire situation.

That’s right, Audrey faked the kidnapping to throw Noah off her trail. She tells him as much, and they discuss the contents of her phone when Emma arrives, brazenly walking around an abandoned amusement park at night, nary a self-preservation instinct in sight.

Noah reveals that they’d been lead there by the desk clerk, and Audrey reveals the unfortunate fact that the desk clerk is dead, which takes this little outing from an ill-timed prank to a very deadly situation. Emma sees the killer on her way in, and everyone starts losing their shit. Naturally Kieran, who followed Emma because he knows she’s a lying whore, joins the crew and now all four of them are running around a terrifying amusement park while the killer slowly stalks them. Could they feasibly overpower one high school kid with a knife? Yeah, but where’s the fun in that?

Somehow they all make it out alive, but Emma is probably wishing otherwise because now she has to suffer through a lecture from Kieran.

Kieran: You lied to me.

Emma: I know.

Kieran: When I specifically asked you not to.

He’s jilted enough to go straight to the sheriff, who had just received some very interesting news. It turns out that the emails from “Riley” that Mr. Duvall had been receiving were all sent from Emma’s IP address. DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Deputy: Are you surpised?

Acosta: Nah that bitch is crazy

Kieran: Let me tell you.

Audrey shows up to Noah’s for a big confession, just not the one Noah was hoping for. She tells him that she brought Piper to Lakewood to research Brandon James because she identified with him. They were both misunderstood loners and both of their actions resulted in the deaths of a bunch of people. Weird. She didn’t, however, help with the murders. Audrey claims she had no idea it was Piper until the very end. Noah takes her side, telling her that she was a victim in all of this. Not sure how sincere he was about that, seeing as how his Podcast recorded (and published?) the entire conversation.

Still tied up in a hotel room across town, Branson is finally happened upon by none other than the killer. We all knew it would happen, and yet the entire scene was possibly the most cringeworthy yet. The killer enters the room and removes Branson’s blindfold before very ominously turning on the iron. He then proceeds to cut his fucking hand off before cauterizing it with said iron. Tbh, there would probably be a lot less statutory rape out there if this became regular protocol.


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