Well folks, we knew it would happen, it was just a matter of when. No, ABC hasn’t cancelled Grey’s Anatomy, although that’s gotta be happening soon. We’re talking about Scheana’s official Instagram response to the breaking news of her breakup with Rob Valletta. Fucking duh. What I personally didn’t anticipate was the level of thotiness said announcement would entail. I know, I know… It’s Scheana bang-your-husband-and-never-STFU-about-her-exercise-and-diet-regimen
Shay Marie (?). Of course she’ll fucking leap at any opportunity to post an extra af ‘gram with little to no clothing. But how in the literal hell was I supposed to be prepared for this?
First of all, huh? Why tf are you in the California desert with a fur on? You cold? That makes absolutely no sense. But I guess you’re not cold, because I can actually see your vagina. I’m all about an edgy no pants photo shoot (do you, boo boo) but could we not have found a different angle? You know, one that isn’t so similar to the one your OBGYN gets for your pap? No? I guess this is her version of winning the breakup. Idk.
Once you’ve recovered from the thot of the year photo above, let’s move on to the basic-ass caption, shall we? But I’m only doing the highlights… Read the whole thing for yourself. “Looking optimistically into the future. Life doesn’t always turn out how you plan. It is filled with roadblocks, bumps, twists and turns.” Is that how you ended up naked in the desert? Bless your heart. Oh, you’re talking about your breakup with the Z-list actor you started dating five minutes after your divorce. My b. That was a twist? Seems kinda obvious if you ask me, but to each their own.
“I am very fortunate to be surrounded with an amazing family and group of friends, including @robsvalletta.” STOP WITH THE FRIENDS WITH EXES BULLSHIT. Literally no one believes you. Go stalk their Instagram and subtweet the shit out of them like everyone else. That’s real life, fam. You mean to tell us that Rob, the dude you broke up with, is helping you deal with the breakup? K.
“Now let’s see what life’s next chapter has in store for me…. ♥” Well, if I had to guess, the next chapter will include you be annoying af on my television, gushing about a relationship we all now know is over, talking about fitness, and not drinking because you’ve worked really hard for your flat stomach. But that’s just a guess.