222. Resting Betch Voice

Today is a day to celebrate because we’ve officially named a new characteristic by which to judge people based on traits they’re born with and have little chance of changing. We can hardly believe it’s taken us this long to put this phenomenon into words, mostly because it technically only exists in words. It is Resting Betch Voice and just like your Resting Betch Face, it serves to intimidate and inform the world that you’re just not fucking interested.

You probably experience so much Resting Betch Voice in your daily life that you may not even notice it, simply because everyone you know speaks this way. Think Kelly Cutrone, Victoria Beckham if she ever spoke, or Kourtney Kardashian whining, Scaaaahhhttttt whhhat do you think you’re dewwing? Even when telling Scott he needs to curb his alcoholism and punching of mirrors she conveys as much emotion as I do when my mom calls and I have to act disinterested so she’ll want to stop speaking to me.

The key to a successful RBV is almost whining except you don't care enough to whine, so RBV reflects the sound of extreme boredom instead. Less is more, so the more monotonous you sound the better. If your voice in any way fluctuates or expresses any small degree of interest in the topic at hand then your voice is neither resting nor bitchy. Always remember octaves are the enemy.

Some people think that sounding disinterested in others may be rude and try to make up for that with enthusiastic or nice words. You should obviously never do this because that would be just like apologizing for who you are, and you will also risk sounding like Anne Hathaway. 

So like my therapist once said, “your external chaos will always be reflective of your internal chaos,” or something zen like that. Obviously this means that if you yourself are a betch who loves napping, then your voice should be just as well rested as you.


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