Help, My Boyfriend Is Literally Replacing Me With A Sex Doll: Ask A Pro

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Dear Head Pro,

I don’t know what to think or even do about this?

I have been in a relationship with a man for 2 years. He has told me he is not a very sexual person.  But I know that’s not true. He sneaks away to strippers and I found his stash of nudes from previous relationships. Among his morning routine he spends an hour or more in the bathroom each morning. Most mornings I can hear him masturbating. I know this bc I wake up and he is gone in the bathroom and so is the lube.

Just recently he ordered the both of us sex toys. It would be my first time having one and I have not used it yet.. I feel it was given to me soley because he wanted a toy. Now I feel this toy is replacing me. He now gives me things to do so I am out of the house more…  and again every chance he gets he uses it… I know because with in the first week he needed a replacement sleeve. I feel ignored.  Now his usual routine is work video games every morning and masturbating. 

He won’t even play with his toy when I am around. He suggests that I use my toy. I don’t want to.  And just writing this is making me cry. I want him to want me not a toy… I feel he is being so selfish.

What in the actual fuck? I believe this is the first time in my tenure here at Betches that a story about sex toys has ended so terribly sadly. What makes this difficult to answer is that you’ve provided absolutely no other details about your relationship. So you’ve been together two years? Great, but how have those two years been? Do (or did) you have a sex life not involving masturbation aids? Have you talked about it in, like, a serious way? Because this isn’t the kind of issue you just sweep under the rug, like a semi-innocuous gambling problem. This is real shit.

I guess if you haven’t, you need to have an ultra-awkward talk about why he expects you to be chill with the fact that he’d rather fuck himself instead of you. I think this is also an instance where an ultimatum is a good thing. After all, you’re asking him to not fuck a plastic tube so often, not to never play golf with his buddies again. If he won’t agree to work on being a normal person, get the fuck out of there. I don’t care how long it’s been; shit is getting WEIRD in your house.

Also, if you’ve never had much of a sex life, don’t discount the fact that he could be gay. You don’t know the gender of the strippers he’s going to see, and the nudes from his “exes” could be false flags. I can’t imagine why else anyone would keep nudes from exes; pornstars are way better to look at than anyone I’ve ever dated.


Dear Head Pro,

So one of my best friends is kind of a fuckboy who cheated on his long distance girlfriend with me in the beginning of school year (I’m a freshman in college) and for a while I was really delusional and acting desperate, thinking that he would actually break up with her. Well he did, over winter break, but not because of me, and he got with another girl soon after. I know, bad start. The thing is, for some fucked up reason, we kept hanging out in the same group and we sorta became really good friends. I remember your book saying something about how you can’t be just friends with guys you’ve hooked up with or whatever, but I guess that’s happening now, so…

Anyway, I’m doing pretty well for myself ever since I realized I was being delusional and it’s not like I have expectations of me and this bro ever getting together (even though he has tried to hook up with me when drunk at parties and shit but I said no) and I’m perfectly fine with being just friends, but…are we really? I mean okay, I don’t obsess over him anymore, I’m seeing other guys and we do seem to get along really well, but I’m wondering if deep down, there isn’t still a part of the BSCB in me who’s just being his friend in the hopes of getting together one day. I don’t feel like that, but it’s not like I would totally mind it either…Am I crazy or just over-analyzing?

Possibly Still Delusional Betch

I mean I hope I didn’t say that, exactly, because that’s not really true. It’s more that people who’ve been in significant relationships can’t usually be GOOD friends, because life is complicated that way. The guy you fucked once at the beginning of freshman year, not so much.

A few weeks ago, I was flipping through the radio and ended up on a talk station. It was An Afro American studies professor and a white lady talking about racism, southern iconography, etc., and it was mildly interesting until the point where the girl expressed that because her family had owned slaves, she was worried that those attitudes were still lurking somewhere inside of her, and that was her “frame.” The professor, in as many words, told her that black people don’t really give a fuck about her “frame.”

That’s kind of how I feel about your faux-dilemma, because it is utterly pointless to worry about what you “might” do. Think about it, you’re basically in a situation where the guy “friend” wants to fuck the girl, but she’s not feeling it. That’s far from an ideal scenario for a long-lasting friendship, but provided the paradigm doesn’t change, what’s the problem? And say you do decide to hook up again with him one day, how does that affect how you act now? Cross that bridge when you come to it.

This is not a problem. Elsewhere in the world, people are being replaced by sex toys. Goddamn.

Email Head Pro your questions to, and you might become anonymously internet famous!


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