This episode picks up where every episode does- with the whole group sitting around and getting wasted, bitching about how much they fucking suck at this game. I’m getting a little bit of deju vu at this point.
Hunter is like WE ARE FAMILY, WE NEED TO CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER. Look Hunter, I know in bumfuck, dogshit nowhere you and your family get down with each other like that, but in my family home we don’t have a fucking “boom boom room.”
Hunter then starts talking about how he can write poetry, and frankly I was shocked after he said “I can write.” Good for you Hunter. Maybe you’re more of a George than a Lennie (he won’t understand that reference).
They decide to have a talent show, because they are still all mentally in the third grade. Magic Mike is like “every talent is amazing”, which is kinda sad because clearly poor Mike has never actually seen real talent before. Watching Chuck butcher a ukulele is not an amazing skill.
Speaking of not being amazing, Devin still exists. Kiki is eye-fucking the shit out of him and is like “god, he treats me like absolute shit, but sometimes he makes a joke and I love him all over again.” Women like you are the reason we don’t get paid as much in the workplace.
Hunter performs a poem that is remedial as fuck and doesn’t use a word with over 5 letters. They all start screaming and jumping when it’s over because HUNTER CAN READ!!!!! BABY’S FIRST WORDS!!!!!
We meet up with Ryan Devlin, who is growing some grey hair because of this shit, and he explains the game. Essentially, it’s a block stacking game- because we’re sticking to the theme of being immature AF.
The boys are blindfolded and have to listen to their girls and stack blocks in the correct order. The girls have to squeeze their legs together and balance the blocks on a platform held in between their legs. Its MTV’s subtle way of giving the cast-mates some advice: Boys, why don’t you shut the fuck up and girls, close your legs and stop fucking with these brainless douchemonkeys.
Everyone pairs up and almost immediately Melanie and Alec win because Melanie is an actual real competitor. She obviously wanted to audition for Survivor, but took a wrong turn in the casting call and ended up on MTV. Whoops.
Everyone else can’t figure this shit out to save their goddamn life. Rashida and Hunter end up getting second, making them the next unlikely duo to go on a date. Does anyone else not see how ridiculously stupid these matches are? How many IQ points do you need to be on this show? Single digits?
When they get home, Alec starts flirting with Melanie, which pisses off Stacey. Alec’s asking Mel what her favorite ice cream flavor is, and it’s like, you would ask that Alec. You can take the fat off the body, but you can’t take it out of the heart. Stacey is glaring at them and I don’t understand how anyone can possibly be jealous at this point. If this guy was flirting with me at a bar, I would be immediately plotting the nearest way to run to the bathroom and sneak out the fucking window.
Alec in a bar: Hey, so, come here often? I like Cookies n’ Cream ice cream.
Any woman in the world: I have mace in my purse.
Meanwhile, Tyler is talking to Zak/Bae about how he wants Melanie and Zak is like stop being a pussy about it and just fucking figure it out.
Kayla is flirting with Magic Mike, who probably has her confused for Stacey or Amanda or whichever other Jersey Shore Barbies live in that house. Seriously, they all look the same. Just because you have Rashida and Tyler in there, it does not mean you are diverse, MTV!
Mike takes an egg and playfully cracks it down Kayla’s pants. I’m serious. This is real- people like this exist. Kayla retaliates by throwing a fucking egg at Mike’s face, which was pretty deserved. While Kayla is busy getting yolk out of her thong, Amanda/Freckles starts flipping out. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE STARVING AND DON’T HAVE ANY EGGS AND YOU’RE LITERALLY SHOVING THEM IN SOMEONE’S ASSHOLE!!!
Okay, I get the wasting food is kinda douchey, and if Alec was there I’m sure he’d be livid at the missed opportunity, but it’s 2 fucking eggs. I’m sure the children in Africa aren’t going to become magically full off of two eggs. Nelson states the obvious and is like “this isn’t about the eggs.” Very good Nelson, would you like a cookie for your fucking genius observation?
They are going on a horseback riding adventure for this date and Hunter is trying so hard not to prematurely ejaculate on the car ride over.
Rashida doesn’t even look like she’s seen a horse in her life, so Hunter helps her. Hunter’s like “she’s from South Carolina, so we might be a match,” because geographic location is very important in the match making process.
While looking off into the distance, Hunter tells a sob story about Bison, letting a single tear roll from his cheek. He’s like “they are endangered….BUT I LOVE BISON BURGERS.” He starts talking about all the innocent little animals he loves to murder and skin and Rashida is like, wow okay. How about we talk about something else? What’s your favorite ice cream flavor??? It’s too bad Hunter is so busy fapping off in this farm that he forgets he is trying to woo his date.
Melanie and Alec are continuing their junior high school romantic conversation- “we have the same favorite ice cream! Oh my god me too!” And share the most PG kiss in the history of MTV. Seriously, I’ve seen more passionate kisses on a Disney Channel Original Movie. Then again, I may just be hardened from the porn Britni and Chuck make us watch every week.
THE TRUTH BOOTH
The group is like, we need to figure this shit out and decide to send Mel and Rat Faced Alec to the truth booth. Good choice, seeing as how Hunter was more attracted to the fucking livestock than Rashida. #prayforRashida. Alec is like MY BAGS ARE PACKED. lol okay, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that one.
Stacey and Tyler are not pumped about this. Stacey is still convinced that Alec is lying to himself and he actually loves her, and Tyler is still in the process of growing a pair.
Alec and Mel go to the truth booth and I know what you’re all thinking- thank god it’s not Kiki. Everyone is waiting to see if this could be another confirmed match and wouldn’t you know- IT’S NOT A MATCH.
Alec is like, well fuck me, now I have to go with Stacey. Whereas Stacey is like “Alec would be lucky to be with me.” Modesty, thy name is Stacey. I lowkey love Stacey though, so I feel it girl. I feel it.
Kayla decided to let her brain function properly and is like we all need to mix this shit up and stop being so fucking dumb. So they decide to speed date, which is like, semi a good idea. Kayla is the newest smart member of the house. Austin, your throne has been taken.
Alec and Rashida are talking, Britni is talking to Devin, it’s all gravy right? Leave it to Kiki to fuck shit up and talk about Devin the whole time she’s dating. Nelson is like, here’s a thought: Stop fucking talking about Devin, k thanks.
Kiki tells Devin she’s been falling in love with him, whereas Devin is like “you’re a fucking idiot” and plans to use her for a pump and dump. This is like the plotline of a bad teenage movie. Kiki, what are you seeing in Devin that literally the rest of the world doesn’t? He’s got this nasty pube looking thing for a hairstyle and he’s a bagel- aka, he’s plain AF.
Her and Devin follow in Brittni/Chuck’s footsteps and fuck publicly, except it’s literally in the room where everyone sleeps. No chill whatsoever. Everyone keeps trying to tell Kiki that Devin is using her, but Kiki can’t hear it because the horse shit in her brain has now effectively clogged up her ear canals.
Kiki is like “I think what Devin and I have is real” and Cheyenne is like SHUT THE FUCK UP. Kiki starts crying and is like “if I’m happy and he’s happy why can’t they be happy”. Uh hello bitch, this show isn’t called “KIKI BE HAPPY SHOW.”
We go back to Chelsey and Connor, who are dicking around at the honeymoon suite, looking like all they do is giggle and climb on trees. This show should just be called “3rd grade,” with all the talent shows and playing. What’s next? Are they going to hold a student body election?
THE MATCH CEREMONY
The genius of the episode, Kayla is like “we’re gonna get at least 6,” which is like, highly unlikely but ok. It’s the girls’ turn to pick tonight, so we’ll see how this shit goes.
Rashida picks Alec, fucking over Stacey. But Alec is wearing salmon colored pants, so Stacey you can do better. We will rebuild.
Kiki goes up and Ryan Devlin is like “yo, what’s up with Devin” and she’s like idkkkkkkk. And everyone immediately flips out. They all start yelling at Devin for being a piece of shit jackass, and Kiki just sits there. Even Connor, in his quest to remain relevant, starts yelling at Devin for being a dick. It’s all a mess.
Kiki picks Nelson, who feels sorry for Kiki. You may feel sorry for her, but I fucking don’t.
Amanda picks Hunter because he’s a little socially retarded but he’s still her friend.
Britni picks Devin. OH FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY LET THEM BE A MATCH. PLEASE RID ME THE BURDEN OF WATCHING THESE TWO FUCKING IDIOTS ON TELEVISION EVERY WEEK. I DON’T GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS TORTURE.
Melanie picks Chuck, which is random AF. The only thing they have in common is hair length. Cheyenne is also semi bummed because she was going to pick Chuck to fulfill her long-haired, skinny white-boy fantasies and ultimately piss off her parents.
Stacey picks Mike, screwing over Kayla.
So Kayla gets stuck picking Austin, who resumed his usual position of being the ghost of the house and having no airtime.
Cheyenne and Tyler are left. But didn’t they already confirm to not be a match before? idk I can’t keep up. Maybe if they fucking won this stupid game they could put me out of my misery.
They don’t get a blackout, so that’s a plus. Will they get more?
LOL NAAAAAHHHHH. They get 3 out of 10 matches AGAIN.
My boyfriend, who refuses to watch this show with me, starts laughing from the other room at this point. When I ask him what’s so funny, he looks me straight in the face and says “These guys are so fucked.” Retweet.