Dear Real World Casting Crew,
Welcome to the 215. Get ready for some crazy accents (ex. “wooder,” “go-win”), the finest assortment of cheesesteaks you’ll ever consume, and the most well-suited cast members for the next season of The Real World.
First, let me commend you for still having a following. Your show hasn’t been canceled yet, because who can resist watching a bunch of drunk/mildly high 20-somethings insistently argue and occasionally give back to the community? I know I certainly can’t. That’s a solid platform you’ve got yourself.
Secondly, welcome back! The only reason I know you were here before is because you scooped up a total bro from my high school and gave him a chance at stardom. Naturally, that was a season I watched. Also, the season when you were actually filming in Philadelphia, because duh.
I love my city dearly. It’s rich with history, the food is amazing, and I find it really hard to get bored around here. And in the eyes of MTV producers, Philly’s full of ideal cast members for the next season of The Real World.
Why, you ask? Philadelphia breeds some of the finest, most dramatic 20-somethings you’ll find anywhere. You cannot make most of this shit up. And even if MTV does script their shows now, the job would be made simpler by casting any of these Philadelphia stereotypes:
- South Philly’s has some v. friendly ladies and gentlemen. You won’t find a finer Jersey-Shore wannabe anywhere else in the city, with the over-the-top hairdos, the cheesy Italian accents, and the consistent desire to want to break things, nor someone more inclined to take their clothing off or like, cheat on their sig. other.
- “The Northeast” (AKA the edge of the city) is where you’ll find all of the best jabronis. I’m talking big personalities that will both entertain for hours on end while simultaneously annoying the hell out of you.
- Fishtown, Brewerytown, and Manayunk breed high quality hipsters, and in today’s world, you really can’t have a show unless you feature someone who eats a non-fat, gluten free, vegan diet and who uses natural deodorant that doesn’t work (they really are the modern-day hippies).
I want to thank you, MTV, from the bottom of my heart, for giving the people of my city who would have otherwise stayed in their homes and worked on their couch-surfing abilities after waking up from a Tuesday-night bender, a chance in this life. Because no one would have recognized their keen ability to party or their confrontation skills had you not made a stop in the City of Brotherly Love.
I hope you’re sending the hoe-bags and jabronis you choose somewhere nice this season! Best of luck with your endeavors.
Your Phialdelphia Sensei,
Betch No. 5