Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: What Is This, A Spa For Povos?

Sup, betches? It’s time for the week’s most depressing hour of television. How much you wanna bet Joe Gorga is an asshole and we talk about Dolores’ sick dog? I’m thinking the odds are pretty fucking high. I guess we’ll know soon enough.

This week, all the ladies are headed out of town for a spa weekend, which is good because anytime you put an entire Housewives franchise in a room, shit gets heated. Jacqueline has a knit turban on so that’s a good sign. The whole road trip is just a buildup to the shit show that is Jacqueline and Teresa’s friendship. Bring on the screaming.

Teresa, Melissa and Dolores get there first and this spa looks a lot like the clubhouse at my janky apartment complex, but whatever. Given their home state, my expectations are pretty low. There’s a mad dash to get the best room, which is a reccurring theme with all the wives. Like, who fucking cares? This is a Bravo sponsored trip. It’s not like any of these rooms are disgusting. These chicks have no chill.

When Jacqueline and Siggy show up, Jacqueline doesn’t immediately say hey to Teresa, the person she just got in a huge argument with like a day ago, and everyone thinks this is just the rudest thing to ever happen. Y’all really need to get a grip. People are dying. This is not a big deal.

Kim there's people dying

Back at home, Joe Gorga is proving once again that he is a completely incompetent father. He manages to burn chicken nuggets and popcorn in one sitting, which is pretty impressive. Everyone knows the popcorn companies lie about how long it takes and if you follow the instructions you’ll burn that shit. I mean, come on.

The women head to dinner and the waiter brings out a whole wheel of brie, and this is hands down the most exciting thing to happen all season. I fucking LIVE for a cheese plate. The dinner convo gets really heavy, really quick. They’re all talking about how they’ve had serious money problems and how they stood by their men despite them fucking them over financially and I just don’t care. Somewhere in this convo, Siggy tells the story of how her husband was super broke when they met, but now he’s rich and she’s getting the last laugh.

Siggy: He gone make it into a Benz out of that Datsun. He got that ambition, baby, look in his eyes.

They head out to make s’mores by the fire for some girl bonding time. Look, I love the idea that women can be supportive and not verbally assault each other every other minute, but damn this shit is boring. They talk about Dolores’ dying dog (told you) and how upset Teresa’s kids were that she was in federal lockdown and everyone is crying again. I’m gonna need a prescription to watch this show every week.

They go back to the “spa” because Jacqueline and her nipples are cold and a game of beer pong breaks out. What kind of spa is this? Everyone goes to bed and Melissa talks about her sex life life to Teresa, which is weird since that’s her brother. Do they not understand boundaries in Jersey?

They wake up, and Dolores is clearly a rookie because she doesn’t have an ounce of makeup on, while everyone else comes out like Miss fucking Universe. Lol. She’ll catch on. Everyone starts talking about their kids’ wrestling matches and Jacqueline peaces out and starts sobbing because her sweet angel autistic baby isn’t able to do the same things as everyone else’s kids. And now I’m officially pounding my sav b. This shit is so sad.

Finally it’s time for an actual spa treatment except it’s not a spa treatment it’s like a fucking indoor pool with frozen pina coladas. This is my definition of hell rn. Dolores and Melissa get in the pool and Jacqueline overhears them talking about her beef with Teresa. But not really. Melissa maybe says her name one time, but fine. You might think this means a big Jersey-style fight is about to go down. Nah. They move on and go to get their massages. Ugh.

Teresa and Jacqueline end up in a mudroom together and actually make amends. This kinda seems like the old days when they were homies. Is this too good to be true? Probs. I’m not holding my breath.

After the spa day, they go back to their house and cook their own dinner. This is pretty ratchet as far as Bravo trips go. I’d be fucking pissed if I got this shit after the Beverly Hills ladies went to Dubai. Anyway, the cooking dinner thing seems to be going pretty well.

Joe Giudice meets his friend at a restaurant to talk about prison. Joe is against Teresa’s smaller post-prison ass. Must be hard for ya, Joe. Then they start talking about life when Joe goes to prison. I’m having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that incarceration is such a topic of discussion on a show with “housewife” in the title. Just a little bit of a curveball.

At the dinner, everything is still going fine. Teresa and Jacqueline are friends. All the ladies are laughing. Hold up, jk. Melissa literally walks by Dolores and Jacqueline freaks tf out because she’s sick of them whispering about her. Ahhh classic narcissism, when you think everything is about you all the time. I’m pretty sure they were just making fun of Teresa sitting in chocolate, but whatever floats your boat, Jacqui.

The whole pool thing comes back up and everyone calls Jacqueline out for being a psycho paranoid bitch and then she agrees. Like a perfectly stable, self-aware adult. The Food Network is more exciting than this shit.

The next day, Teresa leads a yoga class. Thank God because a whole episode without reminding us that Tre is zen now seems like a missed opportunity. She also teaches Siggy what queefing is. That’s a conversation I could have done without. And then, once again, the show ends. No cussing. No table flip. No wine in the face. Not shit. I wonder when this is going to stop surprising me?


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