The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Can We Tone Down The Realness?

Welcome back to another week of the sob story that is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Here’s hoping they pep shit up this week because I can’t deal with all this depressingness. It’s already Sunday night and I have work tomorrow morning. Isn’t that enough for one evening? I say yes. Let’s get this over with.

We start with all of the housewives getting their kids ready for school. I know this is the real housewives, but shit’s a little too real this season. The Bravo producers need to throw together a dinner party ASAP. Nothing worth mentioning happens for like a solid three minutes except Joe Gorga is STILL bitching about Melissa getting a job and him actually having to be a father. Being a white male is so hard. How do they do it?

Meanwhile, Jacqueline is really overanalyzing the phone call from Teresa last week and decides to go over there and ask her what’s up. Seems like a terrible idea, but fine. Spice this shit up, Jacki. We’re counting on ya!

Teresa asks Joe Giudice if he wants to do yoga. LOL. Wtf, Tre? Have you ever seen your husband before? I don’t think that’s his truth, but I don’t wanna stereotype. Do you, Joe. Then Jacqueline shows up completely unannounced. Do you not have a phone? You could have at least let her know you were five minutes out… I mean damn. YOU SNEAKY MOM!

Jacqueline tells Tre she’s getting mixed signals and starts crying and this is ridiculous. I like Jacqueline. I think she is a genuinely nice person, which is rare on reality television. BUT Teresa just got out of fucking prison and her husband is on his way in like, a month for four years. She has bigger things to worry about than whether or not you know where things stand. Teresa is like “okay fine we can be friends” and Jacqueline hasn’t been this excited since she got cleared for a neck lift.

Side note: Any chance Bravo can show off Teresa’s ankle bracelet they jump at it. Fucking animals.

They start talking about sex and dildos and shit, so Teresa gets sidetracked and misses an orthodontist appointment. I call bullshit. I think she was just trying to get Jacqueline TF out, but maybe I’m just meaner than these bitches. Doubt it though.

Melissa is in her boutique and tbh, it doesn’t look half bad. I might go in there. Her business partner has a pink pixie cut and a tutu on… Am I the only one confused as to how this chick and Melissa queen-of-the-club Gorga became acquaintances? Doesn’t seem like a match. Anyway, she starts serving Melissa some truth tea about not being able to just sell tight dresses and rompers because most people can’t wear that shit all the time, and Melissa isn’t fucking having it. I see this whole venture going terribly wrong and it hasn’t even opened yet. Call me the next Long Island Medium.

New girl Dolores is hanging with other new girl Siggy and they’re figuring out how to redo D’s house because she used to live there with her fiancé and shit has bad energy. I guess a home renovation is what rich people do instead of changing their hair after a breakup. Jacqueline shows up and this is starting to look like a pattern here. She’s like that really annoying friend that sneak attacks you all the fucking time. Like, they probably have a GPS tracker in your arm because they pop up wherever you go. Jacqueline tells Siggy and Dolores that her and Tre are BFFs. Again, could you not have just texted them this? I’m gonna go with yes.

We cut to Teresa and Milania chilling in the kitchen. And when I say chilling, I mean Milania is screaming for no fucking reason. This was a lot cuter when she was little. Shit’s getting a little old. Melissa comes over and starts complaining about Joe Gorga not helping her with the kids. Oh shit. This is a stupid idea. Can’t you find another friend that’s not related to your husband to bitch to about this to? Tre obvi takes her brother’s side. They move on to Teresa telling Melissa that Jacqueline came over and this better be the last time I hear this story tonight. I mean, goddamn, is there nothing else to talk about?

Dolores is hanging with her kids, their friends and her ex husband eating pizza. Just some more normal, boring shit that we could have done without. Dolores and her ex say they’re just friends but they seem SUPER friendly. Maybe I’m just incapable of having a mature relationship with an ex, but I’d bet they hook up occasionally based on the vibes I’m picking up. Or maybe I’m just trying to make this shit more exciting than it is. Somebody has to.

Siggy is going to meet Teresa for the first time and is talking about herself in the third person. Great. The Real Housewives franchise needed more of that. We learn Siggy was born in Jerusalem. Oh fuck… You’re not Italian? Teresa is gonna hate you. Friendship criteria #1 for her is an Italian heritage. Fucking duh. Against all odds, they seem to get along well so far. They bond over leopard print. Jersey problems. 

We’re back at Dolores’ house and we’re still doing normal shit with her family. They’re all talking about her dating life and if she’ll ever find love. This is what happens to me at every holiday and it is literal hell. I feel for you, D.

Dolores: Growing up in a strict Italian household, all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother. But divorce? Prison is more accepted in the Italian culture.

I just texted my Italian dad if he’d rather me get divorced or go to prison, and he definitely prefers the former. But we’re not in the mob so I guess it’s different. Idk.

We’re getting ready for Dolores’ party, and does anyone know what this is for? I’m going to assume it’s a bday party, but all I know is Dolores is wearing red and everyone else is wearing cheetah print. You really should need a passport to go to New Jersey. Kathy and Rosie show up and shit is tense because they have beef with Tre. Finally some drama. Except no. Nothing fucking happens. Zen Teresa is lame for TV. Quick, someone call her stupid. That usually does it.

To get the party going, they start telling stories about Dolores, and Melissa gets up and tells the tale of a young boy who wanted to do one of his sister’s hot friends and the young boy was Joe Gorga and the hot friend was Dolores? Well that’s awkward. What kind of party is this?

Then Teresa gets up and is like I’m going to tell a story that has nothing to do with Dolores, but I want Dolores and Jacqueline to act it out. Well, that’s not the fucking game so… Anyway, Tre starts telling a story about girls in a college dorm touching each other and going down on each other, which is a really weird/random thing to bring up rn. Seems like Tre misses all the hot OITNB-style lady sex she was having in prison and wants to watch two women feel each other up. This all makes so much sense to me now. She pretty much begs them to make out. This is not how ladies’ lunches go where I’m from, just saying.

The soft-core porn that is this party ends and we start talking about Jacqueline and Teresa’s friendship. Jesus Christ, I’m going to kill myself. Who fucking cares? They talk about it for a sec, then Tre shoots out a dagger at Melissa being like you’re family… I have no choice to like you. She can’t help the shadiness.

Kim Kardashian shade balls

Siggy sits down and Teresa asks if her husband is loud or quiet, which is a really strange question to ask someone, but somehow, Siggy makes shit even weirder by answering it with: He is a man on every level. And for the first time in my life, I’m having orgasms. Well, that’s not what she asked, but good for you I guess. Teresa takes this opportunity to go into another prison sex story about squirters. Excellent. She also refers to prison as “camp.” Yo Tre, the gig is up. You literally wrote a book about being in prison, so we all know where you’ve been for the past year.

The show ends with these women leaving the restaurant two hours later, fucking wasted. Hey, at least it wrapped on a happier note than last week. Amiright? 


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