Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Can Chris Laurita Get His Own Show?

Another weekend has come and gone and you know what that means: wine and RHONJ. Well that and dreading getting up in the morning and actually having responsibilities, but that’s a given. Anyway, I think this episode has the ladies going to Vermont or New Hampshire. Tbh, idk the difference. I’m hoping there’s a big fight, but knowing this season there will probs just be a lot of buildup that ends in a rational adult discussion and/or Joe Gorga pissing me off. But why keep guessing?

I'm ready the hills

We pick shit up at the lunch where Tre tells Kathy and Rosie to leave her tf alone. Didn’t we see this already? Damn, you know there’s not a lot of good material if they’re literally playing the same scene in two different episodes to take up time. Can’t fool me, Bravo. If you want a play by play of this scene, go read last week’s recap. I feel the exact same way.

Sigs and Dolores go over to Jacqueline’s house so they can do a group call with Rosie and Kathy. So many middle school three-way call sneak attack memories going through my head rn. Ah the good ole days. I ran shit at Shiloh Middle, y’all.

Over at Teresa’s, Milania is slaying per usual. She’s says she hates her sisters because they’re doing their homework. LOL. That was literally me with all my smart friends in college. Teresa tells the kids she’s going out of town and they get to hang out with their dad, which is nice because he’s going to prison soon. They’re visibly annoyed that Tre is leaving them alone with the asshole that is Joe Giudice. I get it.

I never want to see you again

Melissa is packing for the trip to Vermont. See? I knew it was one of those. Joe Gorga is sitting there talking about how great at sports he is. Given that he’s like 5’3″ I’m gonna guess that’s inaccurate but that’s none of my business. Melissa is sensing that Jacqueline is a ticking time bomb and is actually still mad at Teresa even though they’ve been totally chill lately. Hopefully this is foreshadowing for some shit going down, but I’m not holding breath.

Speaking of ticking time bombs, Jacqueline and Sigs go to Posche. Ya know, Kim D.’s store. This season could really use a little Kim D. Maybe she’ll go to Vermont. Also, the fact that they’re not shopping at Melissa’s store isn’t lost on me. Shady. Fucking. Boots. In true Kim D. fashion, she stirs the pot, saying Melissa’s store manager sells stories to the press about Tre and all the illegal shit she does. Hot damn. I hope that’s true. Would it break apart the fam? Yes. Would it bring some much needed action to this show? Definitely.

All the ladies meet up at the Giudice residence before the trip. They’re taking some tacky-ass party bus, because of course they are. Apparently this isn’t just a girls’ trip. Husbands are coming too except Joe Giudice because he may or may not be a flight risk. Well that fucking sucks. He’s gonna have a serious of case of FOMO. Vermont? This is the trip of a lifetime!


We’re on the bus and Joe Gorga says some misogynist shit. I’m not even surprised at this point. Besides that, we find out the Chris “nice guy” Laurita went on a date with Teresa before he met Jacqueline. I bet she is REALLY wishing she had gone that path instead of her sweaty butterball of a husband since Joe got her arrested and Chris is an angel.

Siggy is still #TeamRosie and same, tbh. Teresa is obviously annoyed by this, which is fine. Some random bitch named Robyn gets overly heated given that a) this is none of her fucking business, and b) she’s not on this show so who tf even are you? Turns out she hates Rosie because she didn’t respond to a text or something? Oh so you’re one of thooossseee. Yeah those are the worst. Melissa gets involved and so does Jacqueline and then they start fighting. Fucking narcissists. This has NOTHING to do with you. Just sit there and drink your wine.

she doesn't even go here

Chris, the angel he is, takes these BSCBs and calms them all down with one rational sentence. I fucking love him.

They finally get off the damn bus and are staying in some cottages that are nicer than the “spa” they stayed at last time but still a far cry from where the Bev Hills ladies stayed in Dubai. You can definitely tell who Andy’s faves are. After checking in, they all come down to dinner in robes, which is really fucking weird. I at least put on pants even when I go to like, Panera, let alone a nice restaurant at a ski resort.

Some of the ladies go outside to sit by a fire. Is it just me or does this franchise have more bonfires than most? Naturally Jacqueline and Sigs tell Melissa everything Kim D. said about her store manager aka the dude who tattle-told on Teresa. Because that’s gonna go well. Melissa freaks tf out for a second and then everyone moves on. Ugh, this is getting so old. Hold a grudge or something!

Melissa and Teresa disappear to God knows where, probably a tacky home decor or shitty husbands convention if I had to guess, while the other ladies stay outside making s’mores. How cute. Except not, because rando Robyn decides this is a good time to tell Jacqueline why she hates her. Here are the Cliff Notes: Jacqueline isn’t direct and she prejudged her. This doesn’t seem like a big deal to me at all, but fine.

I don't know what we're yelling about

Again, Chris wins househusband of the year. He goes outside when he sees things getting heated, checks on his wife, and when he realizes she’s doing just fine and has some friend backup if he needed, he backs tf up. The other men of Bravo need to take fucking notes.

Anyway, back to the fighting. This Robyn lady is way turnt. Jacqueline called her a soldier for Teresa or something, which to me just sounds like the Jersey/mafia interpretation of “friend” but not to Robyn. Fucking chill, lady.

Robyn: You calling me a soldier makes me wanna rage on your fucking ass.

Jacqueline: What’s good?

Miley what's good

Don’t get me wrong. I love this drama because it’s the only thing to happen all season long, but like, this seemed to come from nothing. Whatever. I’ll take it.

Back in Jersey, Joe Giudice is doing nothing while Milania makes some baller pancakes and then tells her dad she’s gonna kick him in the balls. I have a feeling if I ever decide I should have a kid, it’s gonna be a lot like Milania.

Milania Giudice

The ladies are getting ready to go skiing and surprise surprise, Teresa has leopard snow gear. It’s been a while since animal print has made an appearance. Jacqueline isn’t going skiing with Robyn the psychopath and the women think this is weird. Why tf would you spend a whole day with someone who said they were gonna “rage on your ass”? Like, no fucking thanks.

Oh wait. They’re not skiing. They’re going dog sledding. Balto was my shit growing up. Just saying. This snow doesn’t look like Aspen or Vail or somewhere nice. This looks like the shit we get in Georgia.

Now they decide to go skiing. This seems like a lot of activity for one day. What about a cocktail or a spa treatment?

Tre: I wish my honey was here. He can ski so good.

Every part of my being highly doubts that.

Chris and Jacqueline are having bloodies by the fire. Drink every time there’s a fire on this damn show. Sigs and Dolores show up and Jacqueline tells them she’s planning on going home. Again, I totally don’t blame her. I’m anti-getting threatened too. But Siggy and Dolores don’t like it. Sigs says she won’t even eat Vermont cheese if Jacqueline leaves. That seems dramatic. I don’t give enough of shit about anyone to not eat cheese.

Gimme some more cheese

On the mountain, Teresa and Melissa are talking shit about Jacqueline. I have no idea where this beef has come from, but shit’s a brewing. That’s all I have to say about that.

Jacqueline and Chris are packing and here come Dolores and Siggy again. These two are fucking everywhere. Dolores has come up with a genius plan to tell Melissa to kick Robyn out because Teresa is on probation and fighting, or raging as Robyn calls it, kinda violates that. She ain’t wrong, folks. But that’s where it ends. I guess they’ll drop this truth bomb next week, and from the looks of it, it’s not gonna go well. It’s about fucking time.


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