Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Leave Rosie Alone

Besides being afraid for my life with all of the newfound mob references, I’m actually looking forward to RHONJ this week. Shit’s picking up. I really hope we continue to follow Don Corleone or whoever tf that mafia guy was from last week because that was fascinating. But let’s dive in, shall we? I’m trying to watch Miss America this because I consider superficially judging people a passion of mine, so chop chop.

Over at Siggy’s house, her shitty daughter is getting ready for a Jewish federation trip, which I’m not 100% sure what that is but sounds like something that might straighten her ass out so I’m all for it. The shitty son just passed his driving test so go ahead and add that to the list of reasons why I’m NEVER going to Jersey. He immediately starts bitching about not having a car. You’ve had your license for a minute. CHILL.

You need to relax

Dolores calls her ATM—I mean, ex-husband—Frank and is looking for her son. These Jersey wives do a lot more with their children than the other wives. Do OC or NY even have kids? You wouldn’t know it. Anyway, D is pissed because her son is never home and, tbh, I’m gonna need him to be around more too because, despite him being way too young for me, he is beautiful.

Frankie RHONJ

Some big Italian guy comes over to Tre’s house, and I’m praying real hard it’s the mafia dude from last week. Well fuck, it’s just their lawyer. Snooze. The lawyer is here to lecture them about hanging out with said mafia dude. Yo lawyer, what planet are you on? Look at these people. I’m pretty sure every single person they know has mob connections. Wake up.

wake the fuck up

At Melissa’s, Joe is pissed off because he didn’t sign up for this working wife shit. Apparently he missed a work auction because he had to take care of his kids, GOD FORBID, and he’s got a real bone to pick. But mad props to Melissa for not taking this shit and sticking up for herself and working women everywhere. Here are some real life quotes from this orangutang.

“It’s a joke. What you do, you bring in crumbs. See, I bring in the cake. I don’t want what you bring in.”

“I don’t need your money. I need my wife.”

“That’s my, fucking Joey Gorga’s, luck. My job pays for this. **Gestures to tacky-ass house in Jersey** Her job, maybe I get a pair of sneakers.”

Who let this SOB out of his cage? Like for real though, I would divorce him faster than Kim K. did Kris Humphries.

he's a sucky person

Thank god. It’s time for Jacqueline’s angel baby son Nicholas. Teresa and her kids come over since she and Jac are #besties now. Nicholas gives Teresa’s youngest daughter, Audriana, a rose and I’m crying again. I mean, watching Milania play with him is the most precious thing I’ve ever seen. Milania for president. I’m glad Tre and Jacqueline are good now and all, but am I supposed to think this shit will last? This isn’t my first rodeo, Bravo.

Back at Melissa’s, her house is a mess because Joe is a man and refuses to clean and Melissa has a job now. It’s called a maid, y’all. Siggy comes over and starts dropping some philosophical metaphors about Melissa and Joe. Saying they still have the fairytale, it’s just a different chapter, blah blah blah. If that asshole was the prince at the end of Cinderella, I’d be like no fucking thanks, keep the shoe. But nice try, Sigs. I always appreciate the effort.

Thats very nice

Dolores goes to hang out with Kathy, and Rosie. D casually mentions Tre’s book party that they weren’t invited to. Lol, that was subtle. They get on the topic of Kathy’s daughter who’s had brain tumors before and fainted today and how life is too short to have beef with family. I just took the world’s biggest sip of wine trying to absorb all this. This is hands down the heaviest, most depressing season of any housewives franchise to ever exist. I would spit my wine out if something funny happened just once.

Joe Giudice is having a hard time with whole idea of going to prison and whatnot. Reasonable. So what does Teresa do to ease the stress? No, not a blow job, although that probs would have worked better. But she takes him to some weird room with like air mattresses and rose petals for the world’s jankiest massage. How nice. Joe proceeds to tell Tre that the kids actually knew she was in prison and not just away writing a book for year like she told them. Wow, my mind is blown. How, with friends and phones and the internet and magazines, could they possibly ever find out?!?!

Dolores goes to her gym for what I’m assuming is the first time since we saw her there a few weeks ago. Her business partner is still pissed off that she like, doesn’t ever come to work. Again, reasonable. They didn’t meet their sales goal, which based on the look of the gym, isn’t all that surprising. To make up for D not contributing at all, a Bravo producer she comes up with the idea of a ladies’ night out weekend pass so all the girls can come work out for free on national television. Genius.

Melissa is trying to un-piss off Joe Gorga so she’s cooking him dinner because barbaric men from the 1950s expect that kind of shit in return for their love. How romantic. Melissa’s mom is no fucking help, and is like but why do you want to work when you don’t have to? I’m on the same page here because working sucks, but if she wants to work that’s her fucking prerogative. Joe comes in and is immediately aroused at the idea of his wife being back in the kitchen. All is well in the Gorga household once more. Thank God.

Tre and Joe Giudice are headed to her book signing. Jesus Christ, did we not just do this last episode?

Siggy and the terrible son go to dinner with the baby daddy and his new lady, and everything is perfectly normal. How are all these women so level-headed and mature with their exes? It’s so impressive. They all start ganging up on Sigs again for being a clingy mom and they make her cry. I’m over this “making your mother cry” thing. Shit needs to stop.

We get to the book signing. Dear god, please let this be the last thing to do with this fucking book all season. I literally couldn’t give less of a shit.

Rando at book signing: My daughter is your biggest fan.

Lady, it should concern you that your daughter idolizes a convicted felon. Like, even the Kardashians are better role models than Teresa at this point.

Siggy and fam are done with dinner so they go outside and what do ya know? The son gets a car. And not like some banged up Pontiac like the rest of us got for our first car. Like a fucking Batmobile with tinted windows and black rims and shit. Maybe I should have made my mom cry more?

Back to the millionth book party for Teresa, Melissa and Tre are talking about how far they’ve come and the Joes are discussing prison. The usual. Don’t you miss the days when the four of them being in the same room meant an all out brawl? I sure do.

Rosie and Kathy walk in and it’s awkward af. They go and get their books signed and stare at Teresa in silence for a second and then Rosie, the sweetheart she is, is like would you like to have lunch, my treat? What a gem. How can you say no to that? Well Teresa manages. Ugh, what a bitch. Rosie goes and greets Joe Giudice and it doesn’t go any better. And roll the credits. Maybe someone will be nice to Rosie next week.


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