Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: How Many Shitty Businesses Can We Fit In One Season?

Jambo! Did ya miss me? Bravo decided it was cool to skip housewives and air a shit ton of Olympic tennis so RHONJ was a no-go last week. But don’t worry, we’re back. I hope the producers took the time to re-edit this shit and put in something interesting. If I have to watch more of Dolores and her kids being normal, I’m gonna lose my fucking mind.


We kick this episode off with some mommy-daughter bonding between Tre and Milania.

Teresa: Do you wanna workout with mommy? Do you wanna do yoga?

Milania: No that’s so stupid.

Retweet, Milania. Retweet.

Melissa calls and starts low-key bragging about her kids being in NYFW and Milania gives the world’s biggest eye roll. Damn I love that kid. Also, are there toddler shows at fashion week? It’s not like Melissa’s kids are the fucking Hadids.

Meanwhile at Dolores’ house, their dog has kidney failure. Again… Can we cut the heavy shit? Doggy illness? Add some Sarah McLachlan and I’ll be in fucking shambles. Keep it up, Bravo. Dolores is upset for a sec, but she gets over it real quick because there are more important things at hand aka her home renovation. Fucking duh.

We learn that her ex, Frank, used to Mr. New Jersey, which is the most Jersey thing I’ve ever heard in my life, and opened some gyms. What? No tanning salons and laundromats? The Situation would be disappointed in you, Frank. So now D is opening a gym too. Is that a commonly successful business venture for people other than SoulCycle or Pure Barre? I’m thinking no. Side note: D’s son is hot so that’s an added bonus to this typically boring show.

Melissa takes her kids to a fitting for the children’s fashion show. These are the douchiest kids’ clothes on the planet. Between their ape of a dad and their wardrobe, these little boys are destined fuckboys. Just in case we needed more. Joe Gorga then gives Melissa some really great advice about her relationship with Teresa.

Joe: If she’s a pain in the ass, you need to tell her that.

Melissa… DO NOT DO THAT. Like, whatever you do, make sure it’s not that.

Abort abort Bethenny Frankel

Siggy and Jacqueline are back in Jersey arguing about whether or not Sig’s daughter is an Instagram slut. An ass shot of a 13-year-old? I’m gonna go with yes. The convo switches to Jacqueline and Teresa’s friendship. Color me shocked. It’s not like that’s all these bitches talk about or anything.

Jacqueline and Chris meet up at his office to chat about their popcorn line. I’m refraining from talking shit because it’s for their sweet autistic son, remember? Jacqueline puts on her glasses to “look smart” but her injections are getting in the way. Next life maybe. I really do love Chris though… He seems like a gem. Unlike Joe Gorga, he gives his wife good advice and tells her some kumbaya shit about forgetting the past and forgiveness for when Teresa and Joe Giudice come over. I hope she ignores him for my entertainment purposes but good advice nonetheless.

Sigs is driving around pissed off because she’s gotta go pick up her daughter, Sophie, from detention. Is this the one with the trashy Instagram? And she’s doing shitty in school? Sounds like a real peach. She gets the kid and yells at her for a minute, and after momentarily freaking out about getting her phone taken away (the horror) Sophie realizes she wants some Dunkin’ Donuts. Soph and Milania are my spirit animals on this show. Change Dunkin’ to Krispy Kreme and I’m fucking there.

god i want a donut

Back to kiddie fashion week. I’m really wishing I wasn’t watching this online so I could fast forward through this rn. Melissa and Teresa are in the front row… This must really be a D-list show for them to make the cut. After the show is over, they go to dinner at a restaurant you probs shouldn’t take kids to. Or people from Jersey in general, tbh, and nothing happens. That’s becoming an overarching theme this season.

Dolores goes to her gym and her business partner greets her with “look what wind blew in,” which is a cheeky way of saying “where the fuck have you been and why am I doing all the work?” Also, this gym looks like a shithole. Maz (business partner) says he wants to see 1,500-2,000 memberships in the first month. LOL. Yeah, that shit isn’t gonna happen. Dream big though.

dream big

Siggy and her kids go to a diner that I wouldn’t step foot in. It’s pretty much just Sigs nagging the shit out them. They tell her that their dad doesn’t give them rules so Siggy is the worse parent and they’d rather be with him. He’s not a regular dad. He’s a cool dad. They make her cry. I’m literally about to drive to New Jersey and throat punch these kids. What brats. Never mind, Sophie, spirit animal card revoked because my ass would have gotten murdered for making my mom cry at a diner for Christ’s sake.

Teresa and Joe Guidice get to the Laurita’s and this charcuterie spread looks phenomenal. The Chad Bear would have a fucking heyday. Jacqueline’s son, Nicholas, is the cutest little human I’ve ever seen in my life. The kids make this show.

chad the bachelorette

Ah finally… Bromance time! Joe Guidice and Chris are totes adorbs. I don’t even know what they’re talking about but I like it. Teresa and Jacqueline, on the other hand, are tense AF and rehashing shit. Part of me hates it, but the bigger part is pumped that something is finally happening on this show. Teresa tells Jacqueline that an article about her going to prison wasn’t true… LOL. Tre—you wrote a fucking book about being in prison. The gig is up.

Teresa Giudice Shrug

The guys come in looking for a wine opener and just pretend nothing is going on. I guess they’re used to this shit by now. Somehow Joe Gorga gets dragged into it. They call him and go back and forth about who said what to whom and I’m so confused. Who cares about Joe Gorga? What does he have to do with this? Jacqueline accuses Teresa of leaking stories about herself and her legal issues to the press and she’s like yeah but none-ya. That’s a whole new level of fame whoredom right there.

Teresa: You had legal issues too.

Jacqueline: But like, we didn’t file fraudulent bankruptcy.

Teresa: See! That’s a low blow.

Not really because that’s what fucking happened so…?

Teresa summons Joe Giudice because the party’s over. Damn… Jacqueline is serving Tre some truth tea rn. She’s being a bitch, but she ain’t lyin. Chris and Joe hug it out, so I’m holding out hope that they’ll stay friends. In the car, Joe goes from being like “y’all should work it out” to “fuck that bitch” in about 2.4 seconds. Whoa did I miss something? I just got fucking whiplash. I guess we’ll just add that to the mile-long list of his criminal charges.

So I guess the Teresa Jacqueline friendship really is dunzo. At least we got some good television out of it, amiright?


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