Welcome to the first-ever Real Housewives of New Jersey recap. If you’ve never seen it before, I don’t know why the fuck you’re reading this tbh, but whatever, live your truth. The basic rundown is it’s a bunch of wealthy Jersey-based Italian women who give off serious mob vibes. Last week was the first episode of the season, but it was just a buildup of Teresa (the Nene/Bethenny/Vanderpump of the Jersey version) getting home from prison and it was kinda boring so we skipped ahead to episode two. Here goes nothing…
It starts off with a press conference about Tre getting out of the slammer, and I’m bored already. WE GET IT. She went to jail… Can we get to the table flipping now? Also, is she famous enough to warrant a press conference for this? Like who the fuck watched that besides these bitches Andy Cohen is making do it?
Jacqueline (who’s had SERIOUS work done just fyi) and new girl Dolores do what any friends do when their girl gets out of prison: talk shit. Turns out Teresa got a Lexus for coming home… Don’t they like, owe people and/or the US government money? Cut to Teresa’s house and her 10-year-old daughter Milania getting an eyebrow wax. LO-fucking-L. You can’t even make this shit up. Glad to know confinement doesn’t change you.
Five seconds out of jail and Teresa decides it’s time for a photoshoot with the fam. Side note: I’m getting fucking whiplash from this show rn. Can we stick with one family for a second? I mean, goddamn. Teresa admits that a magazine is paying her to exploit her family. And kudos. People deny this shit all the time, and it’s like we’re not fucking stupid. We know what you’re doing. Good for you for being like “yo, prison work doesn’t pay shit and this is an easy way to make a buck.” Way to go, Tre.
Joe Gorga picks Teresa and the fam up, and it’s oddly normal. Like, no big hug or tears or “I missed you” or anything. I’m friendlier when I see my drunk aunt every Sunday for family brunch and neither of us has been locked up this past year. It’s like they’ve all been hanging out and it’s nbd. They get to Melissa and Joe Gorga’s house and at least she’s nicer to her parents than she was to her bro and his wife. Baby steps, I guess?
Melissa gets up to go get some water, and Tre follows. And I’m immediately like oh fuck. They have the same convo they’ve had every fucking season about wanting to be sisters and doing it for Joe Gorga and the parents, but they’re throwing side jabs like Muhammad Ali (RIP).
Teresa: You know me, if you were treating me like a sister, I’d welcome you with open arms but…
Melissa: Bitch, idk you
Teresa, per usual, is dumping all the fault on Melissa and that shit just isn’t true. They both are kinda awful to each other on the reg. Let’s call a spade a spade. Side note #2: Melissa looks amaze in her interview with the shorter, blonder hair and white dress. SLAY HONEY. This argument keeps going, but I’ve honestly stopped listening because I’m bored and these rosé gummy bears have more kick than I thought. Way to go, Sugarfina. You da real MVP.
We skip two days to a therapy session with Dolores and we learn that she’s divorced because her ex was a fuckboy. Aren’t they all? We also learn she’s worked in prisons, ended an engagement and now she’s lost. WELCOME TO CLUB. This therapist seemed pretty weak. Dolores, give me a call. I’ve got a doctor who will change your life.
We’re at Teresa’s house and Gia asks if she can go out for NYE, and Tre freaks the fuck out. Gia’s gotta be in high school by now. That’s a pretty tame request, but fine. Then Joe Giudice loses his fucking mind and calls his own kid a fathead and a pain in the ass because she wants to hang out with her friends, and I’m really confused.
Jacqueline and her train wreck daughter, Ashlee, who’s also had a shit ton of work done, are putting concealer on or something and then we cut to a commercial? Producers must be really tapped for content beyond this Teresa-prison storyline. Somebody fake an illness, quick! It’s worked wonders for the West Coast wives.
We’re back and Ashlee tells Jacqueline that she wants to move out because her and her boyfriend have “needs” that they cannot “fulfill” there. What the literal fuck? You’re 25 and he’s 30. A good sex life shouldn’t be the only reason you don’t want to live with your mom. Then they go into a weird conversation about how Jacqueline and her husband have “that time” and how “vocal” she is and I officially want to kill myself. Bring on the gummy bears.
Tre and Dolores are hanging out and discussing how much they have in common because they’re both Italian. And I’m over here like, wtf are you talking about right now? I’m Italian, and I can tell you with 100% certainty that not once in my life has that been my reasoning for being friends with someone. Cheers to me for not having heritage prejudice when picking friends. Besides, everyone knows the real way to make friends is to bond over your mutual hatred of someone else. Fucking duh.
Melissa is at her boutique because she wants to be a working woman, which I can get down with. Her kids come in and they’re like “I fucking hate this. It looks terrible.” And it’s honestly pretty funny. Little assholes. Joe Gorga is all heated because he wants Melissa home and doesn’t want, and I quote, “a part-time wife.” Seriously? I would divorce his guido ass right there. He goes into this spiel about how he’s like a single parent now and has to bathe them and get them dressed and do normal parent stuff. And I’m fucking baffled. How can you be married to this?
The Italian friends Tre and Dolores are getting their nails done and talking about the struggles of prison, ya know, just a typical girls day. Tre’s having a NYE party and I’m excited because a) that’ll be more exciting than this episode and b) Bravo will stop jumping from scene to scene. This is exhausting. Dolores suggests this being a reunion dinner and inviting Jacqueline, who Tre has beef with now, but because she’s a changed woman and contractually obliged, Teresa is like okay fine. Can’t wait for that episode. I hope there’s a fight.
Now, Teresa is getting ready for some shindig at her house. She really did a lot of party planning in prison. Do they have Pinterest there? Jacqueline is all butt-hurt because she wasn’t invited, and I’M SO BORED. Wait… This is the New Year’s party? I thought Jacqueline WAS invited. Fuck… There goes the excitement. Kathy, Richie and Rosie go to Jacqueline’s house to have a party for the non-invites. Lame.
Back at Teresa’s house, Gia is having a teenage tantrum and I’m officially not having kids because this shit looks terrible. Gia storms out and my ass would have been so grounded but I’m not from Jersey and God knows they do shit different there. Then Dolores starts talking about how much Tre loves her kids or something. Idk.
Dolores: Teresa’s Achilles’ heel isn’t the IRS. It’s her children.
Well then she has two fucking Achilles’ heels because the IRS fucked her and her family’s shit up last year.
Dolores peaces out and goes to Jacqueline’s and Tre is like, I’m gonna call her. That’s a fantastic idea. The world’s awkwardest phone call takes place and they talk about new beginnings and getting out of prison and happy New Year’s. Kathy chimes in so Tre gets pissed because she’s on speaker and is like “well I have 36 of my closet friends and family here so yeah.” Petty. I live for it.
Rosie: 2016, I’m not giving a shit about anyone but myself.
Retweet, Rosie. Retweet.
We’re going back and forth between the two parties, both of which look lame AF. Why is no one drinking? Dolores is now at Jacqueline’s house talking about the phone call. I just can’t even pretend to care about this anymore.
We countdown to 2016 and Gia makes it home. I’m personally happy about this because Joe Giudice scares me. I definitely feel like he’s killed a person before. It gets really emotional because this is Joe Giudice’s last New Year’s out of prison for like four years, which is actually really sad. And then this hour of my life I’ll never get back ends. Here’s hoping shit picks up next week.